extended VROOM

I had a dream about Y the other night. About how we needed to have a talk... About what has happened since we last saw each other, what is happening now, and what it means for the future. I woke up with a strange feeling. Like I needed to take action, but I felt soooooooo bad!!

I do care about him.... More than I care to admit. I still think of him. How great we were together. How good we could have been if the timing was right. It was horrible timing. Both times. I genuinely believe that if the timing was different, that we would have something absolutely amazing. We are pretty much the same person... But different enough to make things interesting. There were lots of reasOns for it not to work out. But had the timing been right.... We would have worked around them. He always said we would figure things out. And for the most part we did. I just didn't expect things to happen the way they did with J.

So now here things are. I'm having a hard time deciding how I want to end things. I feel so horrible!! But it's necessary if I want things to work with J.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:04 PM

Just finished watching "Dear John" and it absolutely broke my heart. It's one of those movies that you just didn't expect to relate to. BUT. holy balls I heard the exact same words coming out of my mouth at some point during this past year.

"Don't ever tell me I don't understand."
"I don't know what to do. What do you want from me?"

That we'll make it work long distance? Or that it was a marathon living my life without you? And the heartache of watching the one that you love leave.

I hurt right now because of the opened wounds. I want to retreat and be nonchalant and live with no strings attached because the strings hurt so bad when disturbed.

There is no happy ending, is there? IS THERE?!??!

Flight response. At the same time, I want to be brutally honest. Because that honesty will temporarily numb the pain as I watch my words hurt him. But... more harm than good.

You know that look that Ned gets on his face when he looks at Chuck? That's all I want. To see those bright eyes looking at me... seeing past the flaws and to see the reflection of pure and honest and genuine LOVE. Yes, there are undoubtedly flaws. But we are only human. And as cliche as that sounds and as many times as you hear it used as an excuse by those who are careless.... it's TRUE. We are only human. As God intended... to make and learn from our mistakes.

And btw, I have seen that look. Moreso than ever recently. It's no longer a confused, disheartened, overprotective one... it's enlightened. It's the look that he was too afraid to show because he was too afraid to feel.

And here I am with cold feet. Because I've already let my guard down. And if you think that I'm gonna be that stupid again, you have another thing comin. It's not what you think it is. It's fear. It's hurt. It's a lack of trust in your judgment and decision making skills.... when it comes to this stuff, anyway.

I'm willing and able. However, there is still a long way to go before that point of trust where we once were. It's not so easy to surrender to an old flame.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:24 AM