extended VROOM

so... who am i again?

that's the question. i've had some time to look around and browse and catch up on some reading. it seems as if... these days, people are either set on getting hitched, or staying single forever. i'm somewhere in the middle.

in my case, i have a WONDERFUL boyfriend. loving, honest, and willing to do anything and everything to make me happy, as long as it's good for the both of us in the long run. I can see myself growing old with him. i can live with him. we've planned our children (err... imaginary ones, at least). everyone expects us to get married. and honestly, it's probably gonna happen.

if i dont sound too excited about it, it's because i'm kind of wishing that things weren't as great. because i dont want to miss out on what could be. i met him when i was TWENTY. damn that's young. and to commit at this point is freaking me out. i still want to live the single life. i still want to do the things that single, late-twenties/early-thirties gals do. i want to establish myself ON MY OWN before i get tied down.

i restructured my life when genaro joined the military. i dont want that to happen again. EVEN IF things are guaranteed. even if things will inevitably work out. i still have this fear that they wont, and i'll be left hangin again. with a new plan that i didnt really want in the first place.

and to every lover out there, you know that FEAR is what kills a relationship. fear drives someone to cheat, to stray, and to grow cold. fear kills passion and joy. for me to have fear in this relationship is not good.

i dont want to set up this relationship to fail, but i dont want to compromise myself either. and it should never be a choice. but i want to do so much else.

there's that old saying... if you love it set it free, if it returns, then its meant to be. and we all know that it doesnt work out that way in real life. if i do it... shit happens. and that's when you start to regret.

i've regretted a few things in my life. and most of the time, when it was time to make that decision, i knew in my gut that i would regret it in the future. my gut tells me that if i let him go that i'm gonna regret it.

so what to do? i'm not so sure. i know regardless of the decision i make, i'll end up happy. with one or the other. but THERE HAS TO BE A WAY to get BOTH. someway.

but i guess we'll see.... right?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:23 PM

it makes me wonder what others think of him. because honestly, if i wasn't that close to him, i would think it too. just from the way that he talks, the way he walks, the way he thinks, and the things that he says. he almost has a lisp, but not really.

it's kinda sad. because i choose not to see it. and i try my darndest to ignore it. but sometimes it just creeps on me at awkward times.

because i know people that have been made fun of for that. but they have these close relationships too... that i dont really understand. so maybe he's my THAT relationship. BAH.

i know he's not. i KNOW he's really not. but there are times.....

but he's one of the most stable things in my life. so i wont think bad about it. even though he left me hangin for a good 4 months. but that's okay. we picked up where we left off. SO ITS OKAY.

and who care's if he is. i dont. it doesnt change our friendship. well... it might. but not dramatically.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:41 PM