extended VROOM
Sunday, June 30, 2002
oh.. and about that fuckbuddy thing.... joke lang. thats just narsty. its one of those times when i like having a boyfriend willing to kick some ass. ;) "i love you babe" GAG
THIS POST WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON JUNE 28, 2002!!! unfortunately, i had to peace out cuz my lola needed the phone. then brian called. n i couldnt bring myself to sign on because conversation was so bubbly. but here's the post anyway.
today was GREAT! haha. up until i started to have those depressing thoughts of what ive done with my life. but ye. today was okie dokie pokie! started off with... well what else? you coulda guessed that i didnt sleep til about 3am-ish. and yah know what i was doing? take a wild guess. here's a clue... its the same thing i do almost EVERYNIGHT. yes. phone call from bri. kept me up all night. this sucka needs to stop drinking coffee so he can get some rest at night. but yeah. we both slept at 3ish. i woke up. went to work. and got a call on my way to work. so from fighting traffic from around 8ish to about 930ish when i had to do my sunglass counts, this foo kept me company. i think ive been spending way too much time with him lately. but what can i say? my best friend is in hawaii. gotta fill the time that i woulda spent with him somehow. brian is the perfect alternative. i mean think about it:: they're both bald. live in mira mesa. drive integras. have a nasal voice. work out entirely too much. and i feel no pressure to hook up because our friendship is perfect the way it is. its great i tell yah! GREAT!
work was awesome. me n Terry tore that shit up! we made half of our sales goal in 3 hours. that's $1550 in sales on a WEEKDAY! in the morning no less. then on my lunch break, i ran into CHRIS. wunna my old co-workers when i used to hussle for cingular. i miss that guy. turns out he works 5 stores down the hall from my store. YEY! i have buddies in the mall now! well.. buddY. but more will come. they will bow down to my charisma! j/k. geez. what a fathead.
oh yeah oh yeah OH YEAH! and on our (me n chris) way to get lunch at wendys, starbucks was giving out free cans of their new DOUBLESHOT. i grabbed a coupla cans. cuz you know.. they were FREE!!!! ever since Bri brought it up a few weeks ago, my curiousity has been killing me. but my funds always seem to run out right when i get to starbucks or the grocery store. but now.. no worries. my curiousity shall be rewarded. hip hip HOORAY!
woo! okay. dont you LOVE it when i do a "this is what i did today" blog? you know you do. i can just FEEL your excitement. hardy har har. yeah. and i know you can sense my sarcasm.
but before i go, i have to tell you something:: i bought books! how i was able to afford them, i will never know. somehow i managed to squeeze twenty bucks out of NOTHING. i got TWO books. one to satisfy my intelligence (Sense and Sensibility), and one to satisfy my superficial-materialistic-breezy craving (Shopaholic takes Manhattan). looking forward to reading both. but wondering if ill be able to hang reading both at the same time. cuz i cant decide which one i wanna read first. so i might just read them simultaneously. that will heed some crazy dreams. but im looking forward to it.
POWERPUFF MOVIE COMES OUT ON WEDNESDAY! wowee! doubt that imma go see it in theaters, but ive been needing a dose of girl power. figger that i can do it that way.
oh and yes:: ive decided to go with glasses for the remainder of this year. my eyes are WAY overdue for a check up (like 4 months overdue), and my eyeballs are startin to TRIP. so imma go with glasses. just so my balls can relax for a while. take in some rays. im gonna miss the compliments about my eyes, but ey. health before looks. sorry dwin. no contacts for me this fall. but i know you love me in my glasses too.
today was GREAT! haha. up until i started to have those depressing thoughts of what ive done with my life. but ye. today was okie dokie pokie! started off with... well what else? you coulda guessed that i didnt sleep til about 3am-ish. and yah know what i was doing? take a wild guess. here's a clue... its the same thing i do almost EVERYNIGHT. yes. phone call from bri. kept me up all night. this sucka needs to stop drinking coffee so he can get some rest at night. but yeah. we both slept at 3ish. i woke up. went to work. and got a call on my way to work. so from fighting traffic from around 8ish to about 930ish when i had to do my sunglass counts, this foo kept me company. i think ive been spending way too much time with him lately. but what can i say? my best friend is in hawaii. gotta fill the time that i woulda spent with him somehow. brian is the perfect alternative. i mean think about it:: they're both bald. live in mira mesa. drive integras. have a nasal voice. work out entirely too much. and i feel no pressure to hook up because our friendship is perfect the way it is. its great i tell yah! GREAT!
work was awesome. me n Terry tore that shit up! we made half of our sales goal in 3 hours. that's $1550 in sales on a WEEKDAY! in the morning no less. then on my lunch break, i ran into CHRIS. wunna my old co-workers when i used to hussle for cingular. i miss that guy. turns out he works 5 stores down the hall from my store. YEY! i have buddies in the mall now! well.. buddY. but more will come. they will bow down to my charisma! j/k. geez. what a fathead.
oh yeah oh yeah OH YEAH! and on our (me n chris) way to get lunch at wendys, starbucks was giving out free cans of their new DOUBLESHOT. i grabbed a coupla cans. cuz you know.. they were FREE!!!! ever since Bri brought it up a few weeks ago, my curiousity has been killing me. but my funds always seem to run out right when i get to starbucks or the grocery store. but now.. no worries. my curiousity shall be rewarded. hip hip HOORAY!
woo! okay. dont you LOVE it when i do a "this is what i did today" blog? you know you do. i can just FEEL your excitement. hardy har har. yeah. and i know you can sense my sarcasm.
but before i go, i have to tell you something:: i bought books! how i was able to afford them, i will never know. somehow i managed to squeeze twenty bucks out of NOTHING. i got TWO books. one to satisfy my intelligence (Sense and Sensibility), and one to satisfy my superficial-materialistic-breezy craving (Shopaholic takes Manhattan). looking forward to reading both. but wondering if ill be able to hang reading both at the same time. cuz i cant decide which one i wanna read first. so i might just read them simultaneously. that will heed some crazy dreams. but im looking forward to it.
POWERPUFF MOVIE COMES OUT ON WEDNESDAY! wowee! doubt that imma go see it in theaters, but ive been needing a dose of girl power. figger that i can do it that way.
oh and yes:: ive decided to go with glasses for the remainder of this year. my eyes are WAY overdue for a check up (like 4 months overdue), and my eyeballs are startin to TRIP. so imma go with glasses. just so my balls can relax for a while. take in some rays. im gonna miss the compliments about my eyes, but ey. health before looks. sorry dwin. no contacts for me this fall. but i know you love me in my glasses too.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
just saw pictures of my niece back in the philippines. my closest cousin from WAAAAY back had a daughter 2 years ago. she's so BIG! big as in tall. i need to go back there. and see my family. take me back to when i was the little girl who didnt know how to comb her own hair and loved to hide in the yard with the virgin mary statue. back when i loved to perform. back when all i needed to be happy was my best friend, my big brother, a big yard to run around in all day, and my mom to tie my hair up.
the simple times. growing up is great. but sometimes.....
the simple times. growing up is great. but sometimes.....
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
conversing.w/.brian
we must have been on the phone for like how many hours. i dont really remember. but my phone hung up on him a few times. but that was some good shit. some very needed laffter in my otherwise banal life. and i was surprisingly mellow. usually when i talk to him i turn into HYPERMAR. beyond supermar. only to mellow out to say that last goodbye. but tonight was different. tonight we talked. learned a lot about each other. even if i forgot to ask him what his last name is, we got to know each other a lot better. ive forgotten how that felt. its nice.
and yes. i guess there has been a lot on my mind. a lot that ishould be venting about. but each time i do vent, and get it all out, and forget that shit... it comes right back around to bite me in the ass. like some bad dream that i just cant wake up from. and im thinking that the only way around it is just TO WAKE THE FUCK UP. but i get stuck in that lull... where i just want to be motionless. and not disturb the sea. it just makes me wonder how you out there perceive me. makes me wonder what kind of shit that you think i might be going through. it has to be obvious by reading my entries. its just not obvious to me. this is the time for you to email me and tell me what the fuck my problem is. tell me what is wrong in my life, so that i can target it, and FIX IT. not just let it bother me and have all of these bad vibes litter my journal. i hate feeling this way. i hate thining this way. i hate being so negative. but at this point, i just cant help it. i cant help but think "what the fuck happened in my life? what the fuck did i do to get me in this position? and what THE FUCK was i thinking?" but i guess im just not used to this. im just not used to being so emotional. go figure. its the hormones acting up again.
i just finished reading a letter from bestfriend/exboyfriend. it was the longest letter he's written to me since we started going out like 4 years ago. so its been awhile. he's tellin me about this girl. who has a bf. who still talks to a grip of guys. and he's tellin me how she reminds him of me when we first started goin out. how i had to train myself to stop talkin to other guys because he was always gettin jealous. always gettin paranoid. [side note: brian told me that emil told him about the time emil came over to my pad one day. it was sposed to be me n emil's day together. but pooh came over cuz he was all paranoid that we were gonna do shit. so emil left early. we didnt even get to do anything cuz pooh gave off that "you stay the fuck away from my girl" vibe. which pretty much killed me n emil's friendly vibe. cuz emil felt uncomfortable. and it made him always feel uncomfortable around me. fuck that. jealousy kills.] not that i had to train myself at all. i just had to show him that i am trustworthy. and everything that he was doing was just a big fat turn off. because it restricted me from being myself. and i became the girl in the relationship with the jealous boyfriend. the typical asiangirl/asianguy relationship. and that's what it became. we became each others' worlds. because he didnt talk to other girls in the first place. and i didnt talk to girls. guys were my friends. new, old, it didnt matter. my friends are my friends. and just cuz they were all guys, they were all ripped away because of the jealous boyfriend. i hate myself for that. i hate that i closed all the doors. i hate that i let myself get trapped. i hate how i let a fuckin relationship consume me.
i dont want that to happen again. fuck that. its one thing to adjust, another to let it consume you. im done adjusting. from now on, i will live my life. as it was meant to be. to make me happy. and i will fill it with whomever i wish. and i will filter out whoever wishes not to be in it. or to be a significant part of it. and i will stop overanalyzing everything. stop taking this shit to heart. because im done with it. i need to find my willpower again. time to find my center, and re-center it on myself. fuck it.
we must have been on the phone for like how many hours. i dont really remember. but my phone hung up on him a few times. but that was some good shit. some very needed laffter in my otherwise banal life. and i was surprisingly mellow. usually when i talk to him i turn into HYPERMAR. beyond supermar. only to mellow out to say that last goodbye. but tonight was different. tonight we talked. learned a lot about each other. even if i forgot to ask him what his last name is, we got to know each other a lot better. ive forgotten how that felt. its nice.
and yes. i guess there has been a lot on my mind. a lot that ishould be venting about. but each time i do vent, and get it all out, and forget that shit... it comes right back around to bite me in the ass. like some bad dream that i just cant wake up from. and im thinking that the only way around it is just TO WAKE THE FUCK UP. but i get stuck in that lull... where i just want to be motionless. and not disturb the sea. it just makes me wonder how you out there perceive me. makes me wonder what kind of shit that you think i might be going through. it has to be obvious by reading my entries. its just not obvious to me. this is the time for you to email me and tell me what the fuck my problem is. tell me what is wrong in my life, so that i can target it, and FIX IT. not just let it bother me and have all of these bad vibes litter my journal. i hate feeling this way. i hate thining this way. i hate being so negative. but at this point, i just cant help it. i cant help but think "what the fuck happened in my life? what the fuck did i do to get me in this position? and what THE FUCK was i thinking?" but i guess im just not used to this. im just not used to being so emotional. go figure. its the hormones acting up again.
i just finished reading a letter from bestfriend/exboyfriend. it was the longest letter he's written to me since we started going out like 4 years ago. so its been awhile. he's tellin me about this girl. who has a bf. who still talks to a grip of guys. and he's tellin me how she reminds him of me when we first started goin out. how i had to train myself to stop talkin to other guys because he was always gettin jealous. always gettin paranoid. [side note: brian told me that emil told him about the time emil came over to my pad one day. it was sposed to be me n emil's day together. but pooh came over cuz he was all paranoid that we were gonna do shit. so emil left early. we didnt even get to do anything cuz pooh gave off that "you stay the fuck away from my girl" vibe. which pretty much killed me n emil's friendly vibe. cuz emil felt uncomfortable. and it made him always feel uncomfortable around me. fuck that. jealousy kills.] not that i had to train myself at all. i just had to show him that i am trustworthy. and everything that he was doing was just a big fat turn off. because it restricted me from being myself. and i became the girl in the relationship with the jealous boyfriend. the typical asiangirl/asianguy relationship. and that's what it became. we became each others' worlds. because he didnt talk to other girls in the first place. and i didnt talk to girls. guys were my friends. new, old, it didnt matter. my friends are my friends. and just cuz they were all guys, they were all ripped away because of the jealous boyfriend. i hate myself for that. i hate that i closed all the doors. i hate that i let myself get trapped. i hate how i let a fuckin relationship consume me.
i dont want that to happen again. fuck that. its one thing to adjust, another to let it consume you. im done adjusting. from now on, i will live my life. as it was meant to be. to make me happy. and i will fill it with whomever i wish. and i will filter out whoever wishes not to be in it. or to be a significant part of it. and i will stop overanalyzing everything. stop taking this shit to heart. because im done with it. i need to find my willpower again. time to find my center, and re-center it on myself. fuck it.
Monday, June 24, 2002
rekt monkee: maria maria
super M A R 52: she reminds me of a westside story
rekt monkee: so like.. i thought you called me way back when
rekt monkee: cuz some chick named maria used to call me
rekt monkee: but i was never home
super M A R 52: oh whoops
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: i never had yo numba
rekt monkee: i thought you go by "maria" on the phone or something
super M A R 52: nah
rekt monkee: haha yeah. when she called. i was like.. HOW DID MAR GET MY NUMBER?
rekt monkee: HAHAH. i thought you stalked me!!!
rekt monkee: that's why i didnt really like you at first. HAHAHAHAH SORRY!
super M A R 52: whoa thats scary
super M A R 52: no, you're just POPULAR
super M A R 52: oh greatt
super M A R 52: thanks
rekt monkee: moo ha ha
rekt monkee: all good now. even though you DID do some stalker moves to get my cell number
rekt monkee: haha. mcD's drivethru window
super M A R 52: WHATEVER!
super M A R 52: that was pure accident
super M A R 52: ... err coincidence
rekt monkee: sure, sure
super M A R 52: and that was SO not stalker moves
rekt monkee: whatever stalker
super M A R 52: 'sides... if i was stalking you, doncha think i woulda known that you didnt live by peter pansy?
rekt monkee: you're a stalker AND an alkie now
super M A R 52: okay pothead
rekt monkee: true that
super M A R 52: that stuffs getting to you
rekt monkee: HAHA whatever
super M A R 52: makin you all paranoid
rekt monkee: not even holmees
rekt monkee: holmes
super M A R 52: sure sure
rekt monkee: dude i need to eat. but im too lazy to conjure up something
rekt monkee: what should i go out and buy
super M A R 52: jollibees
super M A R 52: in n out
rekt monkee: hmmmmm
super M A R 52: dennyes
super M A R 52: -e
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: i want something healthy. im freekin out
rekt monkee: ever since i started exercising
rekt monkee: i dont let myself have fast food. doesnt that suck?
super M A R 52: oh WHOA
super M A R 52: wow. good luck with that
rekt monkee: I KNOW!
rekt monkee: i need help
rekt monkee: but you should see.. i lost some weight
super M A R 52: go to wendys n get wunna those salads
rekt monkee: i wore my butthugging jeans. and they were loose!
super M A R 52: EW
rekt monkee: doesnt that look like.. but thugging
super M A R 52: sure erik
super M A R 52: try to play off that you wore butthuggers
rekt monkee: haha. butt thugging. that's gay
super M A R 52: hhahahahah
rekt monkee: NO NO NO.. i have these AE jeans i bought from tjmaxx
super M A R 52: ERIK WEARS BUTTHUGGERS!
rekt monkee: but i didnt try them on cuz i relied on the size from the other jeans i bought
rekt monkee: and they were tight as a mother when i tried them on at home
rekt monkee: i couldnt even put my hands in the pockets!
super M A R 52: but ae jeans are usually one size larger
super M A R 52: hahahahahhh!!!!
super M A R 52: did u get the 5 pocket?
super M A R 52: cuz those are butthuggers
super M A R 52: the ones w/ the red tag
rekt monkee: they were like.. normal jeans... no carpenter style
rekt monkee: just regular blue jeans.. "loose fitting" supposedly
super M A R 52: hahha
super M A R 52: suuuuure
rekt monkee: i dont know what kind they are. they just got a small square tag on the right rear pocket
super M A R 52: oh
rekt monkee: you know it's like... waaaay last season.. cuz i bought it from tjmaxx. haha
super M A R 52: those are loose fit
super M A R 52: ew you got wunna the pairs that were mistagged
super M A R 52: hahah! they do that A LOT
rekt monkee: haha really?
rekt monkee: what are they supposed to be tagged with
super M A R 52: with the right size
super M A R 52: they always tag the sizes wrong
super M A R 52: and people get all pissy
rekt monkee: OHHHH. haha yeah maybe they were size 27
rekt monkee: good lord. no way.. i wear 30s
super M A R 52: maybe they were
super M A R 52: you wear 30?
super M A R 52: what weight do you need to lose?
rekt monkee: i dont know.. but all i know now is imma try the jeans on before buying them
super M A R 52: you're tiny already!
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: hahahahaahahaha
rekt monkee: im just trying to lose my gut
super M A R 52: beer belly
rekt monkee: that's why im scared to eat.
rekt monkee: cuz it'll grow
super M A R 52: GROW BELLY! GROW!
rekt monkee: but i've been running. and i've been losing weight everywhere i guess. hahaha
rekt monkee: i have to shit
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: are you gonna be online for awhile?
super M A R 52: probably
super M A R 52: go take a shit
rekt monkee: i wanna go to mcDs. fuck it im splurging
super M A R 52: hahahah!
rekt monkee: i have to go to mcDs first cuz i dont wanna lose my parking
super M A R 52: get something chicken then
super M A R 52: are you at school?
rekt monkee: no im at home
rekt monkee: i mean.. apartment
rekt monkee: but parking SUCKS here
super M A R 52: ohhh
rekt monkee: my brother gets the carport so i have to park on the street
super M A R 52: you should shit first
super M A R 52: cuz what if you go get food
rekt monkee: and everyone's at work still.. so i have to beat them
rekt monkee: haha. nah. i just had to fart. im good
rekt monkee: prrrrt
super M A R 52: then when you get back, you'll really really REALLY need to go
rekt monkee: hahaha
super M A R 52: and you cant get parking?
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHAHA
rekt monkee: oh yeaaaah. that makes sense
super M A R 52: WET FART!
super M A R 52: ew
rekt monkee: well i could park in the carport cuz my brother isnt home yet
rekt monkee: so there
super M A R 52: well sooorrryyy mr. i know everything
rekt monkee: i win. i'll be right back. want something from mcDs?
super M A R 52: just some napkins
rekt monkee: haha okay. brb
super M A R 52: and the lilo & stitch toy
super M A R 52: k
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: i ended up going to carl's jr
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: yeah.. REAL healthy erik
super M A R 52: did u get the spiderman toy?
rekt monkee: haha. i got a spicy chicken!
rekt monkee: that's gotta be a bit healthy... but then.. i got two
rekt monkee: haha. i didnt know there's a spiderman toy
super M A R 52: haha
super M A R 52: yeah its in the kids meal
super M A R 52: i got a bendable spiderman yesterday
rekt monkee: whoa kinky
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: he was ridin in my pocket when we went toplaza
rekt monkee: WHOA WHOA
rekt monkee: hahah that took me long to type
rekt monkee: it's harder to type while eating than i thought
super M A R 52: share sucka!
rekt monkee: dude i didnt know how large large was.. this is a LOTTA fries!
super M A R 52: awwwww
super M A R 52: im hungreh now
rekt monkee: moo hahaha
rekt monkee: soooooooooo yummy
super M A R 52: BLEH!
super M A R 52: i think ill make an in n out run
rekt monkee: mmmmmmmm in n out
rekt monkee: which one do you go to
super M A R 52: mission valley
rekt monkee: dang....far!
super M A R 52: its as close as the nat city one
rekt monkee: really? where u live again
super M A R 52: by spring valley
super M A R 52: by the kmart
rekt monkee: ohhhhhh
rekt monkee: no wonder
super M A R 52: seeee
super M A R 52: they're cleaner over there anyway
rekt monkee: hahah
rekt monkee: i feel sick
super M A R 52: thats what you get
super M A R 52: for not sharing
rekt monkee: ahah
rekt monkee: i didnt finish all my food
super M A R 52: chuck it this way
super M A R 52: i forgot that i have no gas
rekt monkee: *throws up*
rekt monkee: there
super M A R 52: EW
then there was more. but you're probably tired of reading. it was still funny. but highly doubt that anyone outside of us two would find it amusing. now that i think of it, none of the above is probably amusing to anyone else either. oh well. must remind self that blogger is for sake of own sanity. and nice to look back on when needing humor in life. yes.
i am such a lazy fuck. i told myself i would have all of my errands done by 11am. its 4pm and im still in my pajamas. well at least i changed my right brake light. its bad when your bf's dad is wondering wether you changed it yet or not. i changed it uncle! proud of me? uh hur. maybe if ill change my fluids later. or maybe not. its hot outside.
currently conversing with erik. he thinks i used to stalk him. what the fuck. must post details of conversation later. hopefully i wont accidentally close the IM box again. good job mar. idiot.
hi jan! so how much do you have to catch up with? probably a lot right? i havent seen you online in the longest. and my entries lately have been superlong. ill explain the one from last night later. and ill even link you to her so you can read her archives. haha. maybe ill even show you her old letters to me. so you can see the whole picture. bleh. maybe not. that's a lot of reading. and you have school. and you need to concentrate. and your TAP/TLP friends need you. (i need you too jan!) are you coming for the retreat on sunday? its at my twin's apt. its a NICE apt! hey we saw brian w/ his shirt off! WHOA! but i dont have much else to say. except i miss you. cant wait to see you again... p.s. i havent picked up your sweater yet. sorry. but ive been getting really super lazy lately.
maybe i should learn how to utilize email. but blogging is so much easier. and more convenient! i hate opening my mailbox and having to TRY to read the millions of emails. GRR. egroups suck. i mean its nice to hear from sisters and everything, but sometimes, its just way too much info at once. and im not even on the SD AphiG egroups list yet. oh crap. that's gonna be a GRIP.
did you know that spongebob carries a picture of his brain around with him? that's some shit dude.
currently conversing with erik. he thinks i used to stalk him. what the fuck. must post details of conversation later. hopefully i wont accidentally close the IM box again. good job mar. idiot.
hi jan! so how much do you have to catch up with? probably a lot right? i havent seen you online in the longest. and my entries lately have been superlong. ill explain the one from last night later. and ill even link you to her so you can read her archives. haha. maybe ill even show you her old letters to me. so you can see the whole picture. bleh. maybe not. that's a lot of reading. and you have school. and you need to concentrate. and your TAP/TLP friends need you. (i need you too jan!) are you coming for the retreat on sunday? its at my twin's apt. its a NICE apt! hey we saw brian w/ his shirt off! WHOA! but i dont have much else to say. except i miss you. cant wait to see you again... p.s. i havent picked up your sweater yet. sorry. but ive been getting really super lazy lately.
maybe i should learn how to utilize email. but blogging is so much easier. and more convenient! i hate opening my mailbox and having to TRY to read the millions of emails. GRR. egroups suck. i mean its nice to hear from sisters and everything, but sometimes, its just way too much info at once. and im not even on the SD AphiG egroups list yet. oh crap. that's gonna be a GRIP.
did you know that spongebob carries a picture of his brain around with him? that's some shit dude.
once i had a friend who used to criticize everything about everyone. there was a select few who she could talk to. a select few whom she trusted with her criticisms. a select few who had to deal with her depressing bouts of "fuck the world and everyone in it" speeches. she had everything negative to say about everyone who could have shallow fun. she categorized everyone she met until they were able to meet her "standards" of depth. and once you decided to float up for just a while from the depths for a refreshing breath of air, she would put you on her "fuck off" list. and she thought that being that way was being mature. because to her, maturity wasnt higher thinking, it was thinking that her way of thinking was better because she "knew" better than everyone else. not even trying to see the different sides to everyone else. not taking the time to actually getting to know them before she judged them. and do you know what happened to this friend? eventually she grew up. she found herself doing the things that she once deemed as shallow and only brainless fucks who dont think things through do. she became the person that she criticized. because she realized that there is more to life than just trying to be better than everyone else. there's more to life than just being an observer and criticizing the actions of others. there is more to life than being deep. a little bit of shallow, brainless fun is necessary for health. in its own twisted way. to let go of all your cares and just have the time of your life. to meet people that you otherwise might never meet in your solitude. and you might realize that there is more to what you see. there is a lot to learn about other people. not just their stereotype. not just by their actions of the one night that you encountered them. and if you do decide after trying to get to know people that they are just shallow fucks, then so be it. but why not just give it a chance first? this friend i had... she learned that being social isnt so bad. that its actually a good thing. and being social doesnt mean giving up your morals. or forgetting everything, for that matter. its actually a learning experience. i feel sorry for her. because she's learning this so late in life. and now... even if she's seen everything and have already played out the scenarios in her head, when she's put in a situation that she would never have pictured herself in, she will have no clue what to do. and that's sad. because maybe if she didnt shun everyone in the past, she would know what to do now. instead of acting on what she thinks she knows.
speaking of stereotypes, i think i came off as a breezy today. all slang. wearing an alpha phi gamma shirt. in tight jeans. bein all loud n giggly.
but whatever. i dont care. i know i have substance. i know that regardless of my sometimes boring blogs, i've got content damnit. you think you see everything. but what you see in my blogs isnt even half of my personality. what others around me is only a part of me. i wish i could display what was exactly in my head, but that would kill the mystery. and i think that if i actually wrote exactly what i thought and felt... id just run into hiding. because frankly, i would like for you to get to know me, but i dont think you would understand. and besides... i dont think i would be able to verbalize it anyway.
i had me and erik's IM window up. i was gonna share that conversation with yalls. i thought it was quite amusing. but since i jet the fuck outta my pad so quickly to hit up QUICKLY, i didnt realize that my aim closed the windows automatically. aw fuck it. you've probably already had enough of mar n erik speak.
i dont get why people talk about online in person. isnt that was AIM is for? that bothers me. there are so many other things to talk about. or do. or anything. leave that internet shit on the internet.
but i cant talk. i do it all the time too. fuck.
you know what else bothers me? when people allow themselves to be over-influenced by someone who they want to be like. or think like. or think that that person is above them in some sense. and whatever that person says, they follow faithfully and allow those comments to change their views on things. just because they think that its the right way to think or the right thing to do. fuck that. think how you wanna think. do what you wanna do. dont let someone change your views just because you think that they have a better sense of whats right and wrong. SCREW IT!
speaking of stereotypes, i think i came off as a breezy today. all slang. wearing an alpha phi gamma shirt. in tight jeans. bein all loud n giggly.
but whatever. i dont care. i know i have substance. i know that regardless of my sometimes boring blogs, i've got content damnit. you think you see everything. but what you see in my blogs isnt even half of my personality. what others around me is only a part of me. i wish i could display what was exactly in my head, but that would kill the mystery. and i think that if i actually wrote exactly what i thought and felt... id just run into hiding. because frankly, i would like for you to get to know me, but i dont think you would understand. and besides... i dont think i would be able to verbalize it anyway.
i had me and erik's IM window up. i was gonna share that conversation with yalls. i thought it was quite amusing. but since i jet the fuck outta my pad so quickly to hit up QUICKLY, i didnt realize that my aim closed the windows automatically. aw fuck it. you've probably already had enough of mar n erik speak.
i dont get why people talk about online in person. isnt that was AIM is for? that bothers me. there are so many other things to talk about. or do. or anything. leave that internet shit on the internet.
but i cant talk. i do it all the time too. fuck.
you know what else bothers me? when people allow themselves to be over-influenced by someone who they want to be like. or think like. or think that that person is above them in some sense. and whatever that person says, they follow faithfully and allow those comments to change their views on things. just because they think that its the right way to think or the right thing to do. fuck that. think how you wanna think. do what you wanna do. dont let someone change your views just because you think that they have a better sense of whats right and wrong. SCREW IT!
Sunday, June 23, 2002
for those of you who were lost when i gave my whole "rule #1" shpiel.. i apologize. i recognize that not everyone is up to par w/ my 52govroom.com entries as well as my blogspot entries. i must remember that some of you people actually have lives (not unlike myself) and do not have the time to view the tidbits of my insignificant life. i understand that it would make it much simpler if i had just condensed each post onto one page. unfortunately, im not so simple. (contrary to the current formal title of my 52govroom site "simple kind of life") but anyway... let me start.
RULE #1:: you are more attractive to the opposite sex when you are unavailable/unattainable.
right now, rule #1 is kickin my ass. it's throwing each and every possible temptation at me. you'd be surprised. actually, im pretty surprised myself. its never gotten this bad before.
but... sucks for rule #1. cuz im STRONG WILLED (when it comes to faithfulness)! the attention is nice tho. i just wish these guys had different intentions. cuz they make awesome buddies... but they just want more than i can give them. and i love my fish. if i didnt, then id be all up in the scene hollerin back at em. but then if i wasnt unavailable/unattainable, then i highly doubt that these guys would be around. sucks for them. yeow well. what was my point again?
RULE #1:: you are more attractive to the opposite sex when you are unavailable/unattainable.
right now, rule #1 is kickin my ass. it's throwing each and every possible temptation at me. you'd be surprised. actually, im pretty surprised myself. its never gotten this bad before.
but... sucks for rule #1. cuz im STRONG WILLED (when it comes to faithfulness)! the attention is nice tho. i just wish these guys had different intentions. cuz they make awesome buddies... but they just want more than i can give them. and i love my fish. if i didnt, then id be all up in the scene hollerin back at em. but then if i wasnt unavailable/unattainable, then i highly doubt that these guys would be around. sucks for them. yeow well. what was my point again?
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
at least i made some new friends on FAP. via forum chats. and threads. FUN FUN FUN! but i think ill just hit the sack tonight. theres word of hookah smoking at dale's. so i think id much rather do that. sorry online peoples, but real people await.
and on that note, i guess emilio has been MIA in the real world too. i thought he was just MIA online. but i guess its in both. see what having a girlfriend does to you? but really... i cant wait til i hit drinking age. to bring out the alkie in erik n emilio. maybe have an AA reunion w/ all their homies too. and mine too please? w/ all the cool new FAP people. woop woop! come on guys... i cant do this without you. and we can take a big group GUFFAW!
hee hee hee. i was crackin like a mutha last night. makin weird animal noises. shut up brian.
BUT NO LONGER A FLAKE! woop woop! eep! hell the fuck yeah!
and on that note, i guess emilio has been MIA in the real world too. i thought he was just MIA online. but i guess its in both. see what having a girlfriend does to you? but really... i cant wait til i hit drinking age. to bring out the alkie in erik n emilio. maybe have an AA reunion w/ all their homies too. and mine too please? w/ all the cool new FAP people. woop woop! come on guys... i cant do this without you. and we can take a big group GUFFAW!
hee hee hee. i was crackin like a mutha last night. makin weird animal noises. shut up brian.
BUT NO LONGER A FLAKE! woop woop! eep! hell the fuck yeah!
i give up! between trying to keep up w/ the forum posts on FAP and tryin to keep up with text messages... oh geez. im gettin all confused!
i've spent the majority of the night on the findapix forums. it was hella poppin. there were quite a few of us posting at the same time, editing cuz our posts got intercepted n all. havent formally met any of the forum-ees, but looking forward to. seems like they've warmed up to me, and i to them. even the girls. its like AA all over again! aww!! i miss that shit! hey erik n emilio... COME JOIN THE FUN! getting addicted to an online venue isnt the same without you two to back me up.
so this girl was hitting on me... and i told bri. which sparked an endless text-tag conversation. honestly, i dont know why one of us just hit that speed dial button and just TALKED. go figure. neither of us arent too bright at this hour. and the both of us are a little too wired to think clearly.
im addicted. must. resist. findapix. forum.
remember when i said i have no willpower? well..... nothing has changed. ILL SEE YOU IN THE FORUMS!
i've spent the majority of the night on the findapix forums. it was hella poppin. there were quite a few of us posting at the same time, editing cuz our posts got intercepted n all. havent formally met any of the forum-ees, but looking forward to. seems like they've warmed up to me, and i to them. even the girls. its like AA all over again! aww!! i miss that shit! hey erik n emilio... COME JOIN THE FUN! getting addicted to an online venue isnt the same without you two to back me up.
so this girl was hitting on me... and i told bri. which sparked an endless text-tag conversation. honestly, i dont know why one of us just hit that speed dial button and just TALKED. go figure. neither of us arent too bright at this hour. and the both of us are a little too wired to think clearly.
im addicted. must. resist. findapix. forum.
remember when i said i have no willpower? well..... nothing has changed. ILL SEE YOU IN THE FORUMS!
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
james said, "im still waiting for you." what a cheeseball.
big bro said, "i wear a large. just like the love i have for my little sis" even bigger cheeseball.
me and mark.... velveeta. haha.
big bro and sandee.... words cant describe how cheesy they are. what was it again jan? *BOOM!*
lunch w/ james tomorrow. was gonna go out w/ erik tonight. planning on sushi excursion w/ bri. YEY! im not flaking! WOW! proud of me?
and i have one load of laundry left. this is the first time i will ever have finished laundry in one sitting. YEY! proud of me?
big bro said, "i wear a large. just like the love i have for my little sis" even bigger cheeseball.
me and mark.... velveeta. haha.
big bro and sandee.... words cant describe how cheesy they are. what was it again jan? *BOOM!*
lunch w/ james tomorrow. was gonna go out w/ erik tonight. planning on sushi excursion w/ bri. YEY! im not flaking! WOW! proud of me?
and i have one load of laundry left. this is the first time i will ever have finished laundry in one sitting. YEY! proud of me?
Monday, June 17, 2002
erik is a pothead. damn pothead. you hear that emilio? erik is a pothead! and you are an alkie! what does that make me? an etard? damnit guys. cant we just be addicted to aa just like the good ol days?
so erik IMs me askin what's up in 4 months. and we goes "lets go out right NOW." again. i woulda gone. but i have no gas. and no money. so its not like i can drive. and he doesnt have his piggy. damnit. i was really up to hang out tonight too. cuz i had the LONGEST nap today. overindulging in sushi tends to do that to you.
you know what else overindulging in sushi does? makes your farts smell funny. ew man. that was narsty. unbearable even for me. and you know its bad when you cant handle your own gasses.
so erik IMs me askin what's up in 4 months. and we goes "lets go out right NOW." again. i woulda gone. but i have no gas. and no money. so its not like i can drive. and he doesnt have his piggy. damnit. i was really up to hang out tonight too. cuz i had the LONGEST nap today. overindulging in sushi tends to do that to you.
you know what else overindulging in sushi does? makes your farts smell funny. ew man. that was narsty. unbearable even for me. and you know its bad when you cant handle your own gasses.
Saturday, June 15, 2002
its sad that i have to resort to blogging to vent. when i know that i should be relieving this tension in other ways (i.e. making a phone call). but i just dont feel comfortable with it. to me it feels like making that call is waving a white flag to defeat. admitting that maybe i am wrong.
i wasnt blogging then, but back when i was with erik, we used to be on the phone all the time. not really talking. not really doing much of anything except being on the phone. and that always bothered me. it always bothered me that it felt like he couldnt open up to me and say exactly what was on his mind at that exact moment. i could care less if it was about his hair on his chinny chin chin. wouldnt care if it was about some weird dream he had when he was 7 years old. id think that it was cute. that he could share his past with me. or that any inhibitions were gone because none of that matters when you're "in love."
and now i find myself engulfed in that same silence. him doing his thing while i do my own thing. ofcourse, id rather be conversing about anything and everything. it doesnt have to be the dissection of the relationship... in fact, id rather it be not. just everyday "getting to know you" stuff. where's the humor here? didnt i specificaly say that i needed constant humor in my life? or is that the explanation of the recent stream of text messages from other people? i would much rather talk about the time when he got smacked around while wrestling with his friends than what's on tv. and im an information box ready to explode, but only with the right catalyst. rule #1 is rearing its ugly head because he knows that im on the verge of reality check breakdown. because rule #1 knows that if he can chuck enough temptation, then someone is eventually gonna have to crumble to his command, and rule #1 will snatch away everything the second that rule #1 no longer applies. (but rule #1 doesnt know me very well does he? im strong! damnit. just not in the mall)
but is any of this making sense? everything except the whole rule #1 shpiel right? right. so lets move on shall we?
i think ive tried to incorporate enough that i am a product of my past. a past full of people who have had a tremendous amount of influence in my life, my abilities, and my strength. along with the very similar isms that we share. i would like to know where/ who his isms came from. but im not dumb enough to ask, as i know how much it bothers him for me to ask. but a majority of the spark in my personality as well as in my life comes from the daily comings about of people and the past that i dwell in.
no past + no stories = a very boring maria.
a very simple equation, really. as i said before, i am a product of my past. without it, there is no product. i.e. there is no me. so take all of me or take none of it at all. ive learned (from my past... HAH!) that only giving a portion of myself heeds temptation. the other parts taking full advantage of rule #1 and the fruits of its ... well ...its rule.
im not very complicated. im very simple. but when you try to make it seem complicated, then the puzzle begins. and there's no ending to that puzzle, cuz you dun gone on the wrong path.
i wasnt blogging then, but back when i was with erik, we used to be on the phone all the time. not really talking. not really doing much of anything except being on the phone. and that always bothered me. it always bothered me that it felt like he couldnt open up to me and say exactly what was on his mind at that exact moment. i could care less if it was about his hair on his chinny chin chin. wouldnt care if it was about some weird dream he had when he was 7 years old. id think that it was cute. that he could share his past with me. or that any inhibitions were gone because none of that matters when you're "in love."
and now i find myself engulfed in that same silence. him doing his thing while i do my own thing. ofcourse, id rather be conversing about anything and everything. it doesnt have to be the dissection of the relationship... in fact, id rather it be not. just everyday "getting to know you" stuff. where's the humor here? didnt i specificaly say that i needed constant humor in my life? or is that the explanation of the recent stream of text messages from other people? i would much rather talk about the time when he got smacked around while wrestling with his friends than what's on tv. and im an information box ready to explode, but only with the right catalyst. rule #1 is rearing its ugly head because he knows that im on the verge of reality check breakdown. because rule #1 knows that if he can chuck enough temptation, then someone is eventually gonna have to crumble to his command, and rule #1 will snatch away everything the second that rule #1 no longer applies. (but rule #1 doesnt know me very well does he? im strong! damnit. just not in the mall)
but is any of this making sense? everything except the whole rule #1 shpiel right? right. so lets move on shall we?
i think ive tried to incorporate enough that i am a product of my past. a past full of people who have had a tremendous amount of influence in my life, my abilities, and my strength. along with the very similar isms that we share. i would like to know where/ who his isms came from. but im not dumb enough to ask, as i know how much it bothers him for me to ask. but a majority of the spark in my personality as well as in my life comes from the daily comings about of people and the past that i dwell in.
a very simple equation, really. as i said before, i am a product of my past. without it, there is no product. i.e. there is no me. so take all of me or take none of it at all. ive learned (from my past... HAH!) that only giving a portion of myself heeds temptation. the other parts taking full advantage of rule #1 and the fruits of its ... well ...its rule.
im not very complicated. im very simple. but when you try to make it seem complicated, then the puzzle begins. and there's no ending to that puzzle, cuz you dun gone on the wrong path.
super M A R 52: thanks for the text today
super M A R 52: ;-) that was cute
inovasian619: :-D
inovasian619: no prob
inovasian619: i was just thinkin bout u
super M A R 52: awww
inovasian619: i was like whats up with mar she never calls me or goes online anymore
i think hotboy is finally learning some game. or not. he's always been pretty genuine.
Friday, June 14, 2002
decided that tonight, i will be on IIstix all night. and post a few of my favorite stories/ paragraphs. mainly because when i read them, i can hear MY voice saying the exact same shit. cuz these people have fallen into the exact same situations as i have. funny shit. this is gonna be a long one. so sit back, relax.... and get your abs ready to burn. (p.s. i've linked each story. read the whole thing. its funner that way.... besides... that's what you have the "back" button for. dont worry. im always here for ya hon.)
Dead Nerd Society by shallene c.
Now, is part of that rampage attributable to the fact that Silk can't stand that stupid bitch? Possibly... but part of it is just the fact that she can't stand stupid people who think they're smart. Her reasoning? For most of the human population, there will always be someone who is more intelligent than one deems his own self to be. Therefore there is no basis upon which one may designate his level of intelligence and simultaneously fail to designate his level of stupidity as well.
So... what's the point of all this ranting and raving? While many people, especially after reading this, probably don't think she's all that sane at the moment, Silk just can't help but think that owning arrogance, particularly with respect to one's own intelligence, is proof of one's lack of intelligence to begin with. And yes, she recognizes the fact that this little rant and rave is rather incoherent at certain points... contains perhaps more than a few run-on sentences... and went off tangent perhaps one too many times, but accredit it to her rhetorical use of a "stream of consciousness" style of writing. Or not. Whatever.
a whole lot of something going on another by shallene
Recently I've been told that because I'm "not over what happened," boy #2 and I "can't be friends the way we used to be." My reaction (as emotionally and psychologically loaded as it was) to that statement?… 1) Who the hell are you to tell me what I am and am not over? 2) Fine, I relent. To some degree, I'm not over it all. However, dear boy #2, I only relent so much as to say that I'm not over the pain of being hurt by someone I trusted and cared about. I relent no further because, sweetie, trust that I've seen the light. I'm definitely over you.
Blah blah blah… that's what they all say right? Everyone says that they're over their ex's when deep down they really aren't. Eh, not me... Skeptics out there? You asked for it... time for a little ranting, a little raving, and a whole lotta story sharing. Time for the II stix audience to add another item to the list of reasons as to "Why Shallene Is Crazy."
this next one is just funny. and i know you asian girls... have had this experience (or one VERY similar) before.
2.7 minutes
... and this one... a subject ive been thinking of heavily over the past few weeks...
all growed up by neil ghosh
What are you saying to yourself right now? Maybe it's always like this…shit, friends don't last? Fuck that. The volume of acquaintances I have has only served to bring me to the realization that through your life you have just a few close friends who are going to stick by you through thick and thin. To be there to listen to your problems, and to let you cry on their shoulder and pick you back up when you're down. To yell at you for hours and still be tight with you afterwards. And no matter how many acquaintances you have, no matter what you go through each day, you can never replace these guys.
this next one, cracks me the fuck up. been there, done that. that's some shit dude.
am i hot or not by laney lee
that's all for now folks. im lacking tremendously in the attention span department.
Dead Nerd Society by shallene c.
Now, is part of that rampage attributable to the fact that Silk can't stand that stupid bitch? Possibly... but part of it is just the fact that she can't stand stupid people who think they're smart. Her reasoning? For most of the human population, there will always be someone who is more intelligent than one deems his own self to be. Therefore there is no basis upon which one may designate his level of intelligence and simultaneously fail to designate his level of stupidity as well.
So... what's the point of all this ranting and raving? While many people, especially after reading this, probably don't think she's all that sane at the moment, Silk just can't help but think that owning arrogance, particularly with respect to one's own intelligence, is proof of one's lack of intelligence to begin with. And yes, she recognizes the fact that this little rant and rave is rather incoherent at certain points... contains perhaps more than a few run-on sentences... and went off tangent perhaps one too many times, but accredit it to her rhetorical use of a "stream of consciousness" style of writing. Or not. Whatever.
a whole lot of something going on another by shallene
Recently I've been told that because I'm "not over what happened," boy #2 and I "can't be friends the way we used to be." My reaction (as emotionally and psychologically loaded as it was) to that statement?… 1) Who the hell are you to tell me what I am and am not over? 2) Fine, I relent. To some degree, I'm not over it all. However, dear boy #2, I only relent so much as to say that I'm not over the pain of being hurt by someone I trusted and cared about. I relent no further because, sweetie, trust that I've seen the light. I'm definitely over you.
Blah blah blah… that's what they all say right? Everyone says that they're over their ex's when deep down they really aren't. Eh, not me... Skeptics out there? You asked for it... time for a little ranting, a little raving, and a whole lotta story sharing. Time for the II stix audience to add another item to the list of reasons as to "Why Shallene Is Crazy."
this next one is just funny. and i know you asian girls... have had this experience (or one VERY similar) before.
2.7 minutes
... and this one... a subject ive been thinking of heavily over the past few weeks...
all growed up by neil ghosh
What are you saying to yourself right now? Maybe it's always like this…shit, friends don't last? Fuck that. The volume of acquaintances I have has only served to bring me to the realization that through your life you have just a few close friends who are going to stick by you through thick and thin. To be there to listen to your problems, and to let you cry on their shoulder and pick you back up when you're down. To yell at you for hours and still be tight with you afterwards. And no matter how many acquaintances you have, no matter what you go through each day, you can never replace these guys.
this next one, cracks me the fuck up. been there, done that. that's some shit dude.
am i hot or not by laney lee
that's all for now folks. im lacking tremendously in the attention span department.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
i've been reading through "beyond marfiles." well actually, i just started reading a few minutes ago. there were a lot of entries about nemo. a lot of entries about james. a lot of entries about evan. a couple about mark.
i had to hide a lot before. and now i have nothing to hide. but when i wrote those entries, i was pretty disturbed. for yall long term readers, you could probably tell from the entries that i posted "i feel a beyond marfiles entry brewing."
bleh. i have no point here....
well... point is, ive decided not to go public w/ these entries. because its unfair. not to you. but to the people that are involved. bleh. whatever. ill just shut up now. i want some ice cream.
i had to hide a lot before. and now i have nothing to hide. but when i wrote those entries, i was pretty disturbed. for yall long term readers, you could probably tell from the entries that i posted "i feel a beyond marfiles entry brewing."
bleh. i have no point here....
well... point is, ive decided not to go public w/ these entries. because its unfair. not to you. but to the people that are involved. bleh. whatever. ill just shut up now. i want some ice cream.
Saturday, June 08, 2002
michelle's debut. gave me a chance to get an inside look at Danawoods. kinda creepy how everything changes. but all in all, a very good time was had by all.
there was one point during the night that just got me to thinking... one picture.... in the montage.... i didnt bring it up. he did. it was after an SCPA dance. i think it was at Lolitas. and some girl was on his lap. and for a nanosecond, i felt kinda jealous... not really hurt, but it felt like a slap in the face... for a NANOSECOND. i didnt have second thoughts about it, but then he asked "you didnt really see ALL of the pictures did you?" and right that second, i knew EXACTLY which picture he was talking about. we think so alike, its scary.
and it's BECAUSE we think so alike that i've come to the conclusion that maybe i should start cutting time from certain people in my life. or.. rather... just cut down all the guy time. cuz feeling that slap sucked. and multiply that nanosecond by like a million, and that must be how it feels for him. i know it doesnt occupy his every thought. but guys have been a large portion of my life, and so i tend to talk about it, and them frequently. so that means frequent nanosecond slaps. and as much as he hates that it even bothers him that much, even as little as it does, that shit adds up. so i should stop. get into girlfriend mode. and just stop this junk.
but its like... regressing back into that phase where i was JUST the girlfriend. no life outside of the relationship except for the shit that i HAD to deal with (i.e. work, family, sisters). because to every guy that i have been with, am with, and ever will be with... he just needs to deal with the fact that i grew up with all brothers. so in that, i've learned to connect better with guys. i've made it a point in my life to include them all. include all of my past in my present. but with each relationship that arises, i find myself excluding them for the sake of the relationship that i was in. a kind of "out with the old and in with the new" thing.
but when i do that, i end up going the shady path. letting the guy that im with see what he wants... which is basically nothing. even if i still keep my ties to the the guys in my life, i dont let MY guy see any of it. out of sight, out of mind. which is a horrid thing to do to him. even worse for the relationship.
so im left in limbo::
a) out of sight, out of mind. if he doesnt wanna hear about it, then he wont.
b) turn into just the girlfriend. good bye old friends. hello wifey life.
c) neither of the above, but live with the fact that each time i mention something, its like a slap in the face for him.
i cant be selfish. but i cant set aside that part of my life either.
there was one point during the night that just got me to thinking... one picture.... in the montage.... i didnt bring it up. he did. it was after an SCPA dance. i think it was at Lolitas. and some girl was on his lap. and for a nanosecond, i felt kinda jealous... not really hurt, but it felt like a slap in the face... for a NANOSECOND. i didnt have second thoughts about it, but then he asked "you didnt really see ALL of the pictures did you?" and right that second, i knew EXACTLY which picture he was talking about. we think so alike, its scary.
and it's BECAUSE we think so alike that i've come to the conclusion that maybe i should start cutting time from certain people in my life. or.. rather... just cut down all the guy time. cuz feeling that slap sucked. and multiply that nanosecond by like a million, and that must be how it feels for him. i know it doesnt occupy his every thought. but guys have been a large portion of my life, and so i tend to talk about it, and them frequently. so that means frequent nanosecond slaps. and as much as he hates that it even bothers him that much, even as little as it does, that shit adds up. so i should stop. get into girlfriend mode. and just stop this junk.
but its like... regressing back into that phase where i was JUST the girlfriend. no life outside of the relationship except for the shit that i HAD to deal with (i.e. work, family, sisters). because to every guy that i have been with, am with, and ever will be with... he just needs to deal with the fact that i grew up with all brothers. so in that, i've learned to connect better with guys. i've made it a point in my life to include them all. include all of my past in my present. but with each relationship that arises, i find myself excluding them for the sake of the relationship that i was in. a kind of "out with the old and in with the new" thing.
but when i do that, i end up going the shady path. letting the guy that im with see what he wants... which is basically nothing. even if i still keep my ties to the the guys in my life, i dont let MY guy see any of it. out of sight, out of mind. which is a horrid thing to do to him. even worse for the relationship.
so im left in limbo::
a) out of sight, out of mind. if he doesnt wanna hear about it, then he wont.
b) turn into just the girlfriend. good bye old friends. hello wifey life.
c) neither of the above, but live with the fact that each time i mention something, its like a slap in the face for him.
i cant be selfish. but i cant set aside that part of my life either.
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
"To those still attending a fine institution of higher learning: "Sucks to be you."
SDSU's been done for awhile. =P"
my big bro rocks.
ann came down a couple of weekends ago. it was actually the weekend that i went up to pomona. we got boba. got sushi. then headed to her pad for some barbeque. her mom is an awesome cook. doing some catching up. apparently, my blogs are not sufficient enough to satisfy her hunger for my daily life. go figure. its nice to see that she's growing up and finally learning how to branch out on her own. she's got her own place. got hereself a great group of friends that open her eyes to more than just hanging out at home wasting time. and submerging herself in her school work. this aint high school no more, luv. and ive seen a change in her. even if it's just a change on the outside, and her lifestyle, her personality has remained intact. she has become a little more mature, but that naive little girl that i met back in our freshman year of high school still keeps her young and full of life.
and that's a change that ive seen in so many others. take jeanelle for example. she's finally got herself a man. after all of her cynicism about all of the guys that came in and out of my life, she's finally dealing with the same situations. rude of me to pop back into her life for this episode, but i wish i could just advise her. its one thing to see how everyone else fucks up in their relationship than to experience it first hand. theres a lot of undercover shit that you dont see. but for those who are amply supplied with love/relationship experience, you already know that. relationships arent as easy as it seems. and just because you've seen others fuck up. just because you think you've pointed out the mistakes of others. just because you know what you want and you think you know how you feel.... once you get into one yourself, its completely different.
ive had too much relationship experience. and yet this one with mark seems all too new. its different. being with him makes me feel like i had no past relationships. with all the other guys that ive been with, it was all a pattern. it was all the same. like clockwork. i've been the "first girlfriend" a million and a half times, so i know the ropes. but with mark... im just left in a confused state. maybe its cuz ive known him for so long. and finally being with him i just dont know what to do. i dont know what it is that makes it so different.
im confused. i dont understand. and now i want to crawl back into my shell that being with all of these damn cancers in my life have created. i have to get the fuck away from all of these water people. too many fish. too many crabs. too many waterbearers. WHERE IS MY SHELL?? i need to get the fuck out so i can erase all of this from memory and start from scratch again.
i started with the tangents again. what was my point again? ah yes... now i remember.
i want to get the fuck out of san diego. maybe head on out to the east coast. cuz i know that no matter where i go in california, i will inevitably bump into someone i know. whether its through a mutual friend or through the internet. thankfully, i know NOBODY out in the east coast. well, one or two, but they're in VA and NY. maybe ill just go visit sisters in NY. live there maybe.
cuz seeing what living away from home can do to a person... to finally develop their skills. mature. get a good grip of the person within. that's what i want. and i cant do that here in san diego. there are too many people from my past. too many people that expect me to be a certain way. too many people that could bring me back to a stage in my past that i would rather not revisit. everywhere i go, whether it be new or not, it's still san diego. i know that at the end of the night, i will come back to the same room ive had for who knows how long. sleep in the same bed that ive been sleeping in since the 3rd grade. and live the same life that ive always lived. i need a change. a BIG change. this recent one wasnt big enough. it was just a baby step towards what i really want. maybe ill have my senior year in new york. i could save up. apply next semester. and live with my bro. i'll be 21 by then. he can show me the ropes. and we can start that financial advising business that we wanted. itll be the cheng&weng show ... all grown up but still depending on each other.
its time to shed another layer.
SDSU's been done for awhile. =P"
my big bro rocks.
ann came down a couple of weekends ago. it was actually the weekend that i went up to pomona. we got boba. got sushi. then headed to her pad for some barbeque. her mom is an awesome cook. doing some catching up. apparently, my blogs are not sufficient enough to satisfy her hunger for my daily life. go figure. its nice to see that she's growing up and finally learning how to branch out on her own. she's got her own place. got hereself a great group of friends that open her eyes to more than just hanging out at home wasting time. and submerging herself in her school work. this aint high school no more, luv. and ive seen a change in her. even if it's just a change on the outside, and her lifestyle, her personality has remained intact. she has become a little more mature, but that naive little girl that i met back in our freshman year of high school still keeps her young and full of life.
and that's a change that ive seen in so many others. take jeanelle for example. she's finally got herself a man. after all of her cynicism about all of the guys that came in and out of my life, she's finally dealing with the same situations. rude of me to pop back into her life for this episode, but i wish i could just advise her. its one thing to see how everyone else fucks up in their relationship than to experience it first hand. theres a lot of undercover shit that you dont see. but for those who are amply supplied with love/relationship experience, you already know that. relationships arent as easy as it seems. and just because you've seen others fuck up. just because you think you've pointed out the mistakes of others. just because you know what you want and you think you know how you feel.... once you get into one yourself, its completely different.
ive had too much relationship experience. and yet this one with mark seems all too new. its different. being with him makes me feel like i had no past relationships. with all the other guys that ive been with, it was all a pattern. it was all the same. like clockwork. i've been the "first girlfriend" a million and a half times, so i know the ropes. but with mark... im just left in a confused state. maybe its cuz ive known him for so long. and finally being with him i just dont know what to do. i dont know what it is that makes it so different.
im confused. i dont understand. and now i want to crawl back into my shell that being with all of these damn cancers in my life have created. i have to get the fuck away from all of these water people. too many fish. too many crabs. too many waterbearers. WHERE IS MY SHELL?? i need to get the fuck out so i can erase all of this from memory and start from scratch again.
i started with the tangents again. what was my point again? ah yes... now i remember.
i want to get the fuck out of san diego. maybe head on out to the east coast. cuz i know that no matter where i go in california, i will inevitably bump into someone i know. whether its through a mutual friend or through the internet. thankfully, i know NOBODY out in the east coast. well, one or two, but they're in VA and NY. maybe ill just go visit sisters in NY. live there maybe.
cuz seeing what living away from home can do to a person... to finally develop their skills. mature. get a good grip of the person within. that's what i want. and i cant do that here in san diego. there are too many people from my past. too many people that expect me to be a certain way. too many people that could bring me back to a stage in my past that i would rather not revisit. everywhere i go, whether it be new or not, it's still san diego. i know that at the end of the night, i will come back to the same room ive had for who knows how long. sleep in the same bed that ive been sleeping in since the 3rd grade. and live the same life that ive always lived. i need a change. a BIG change. this recent one wasnt big enough. it was just a baby step towards what i really want. maybe ill have my senior year in new york. i could save up. apply next semester. and live with my bro. i'll be 21 by then. he can show me the ropes. and we can start that financial advising business that we wanted. itll be the cheng&weng show ... all grown up but still depending on each other.
its time to shed another layer.
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
feels like the week before me and joseph broke up. how long ago was that? like 6 years ago? more or less. but im getting that whole vibe again.
had a VERY long debate with my (biological) older brother the other night about CHANGE. yes, things DO change. because change is inevitable. but good people in general do not make a big turn for the worse. even if their actions may say otherwise, good people dont turn evil unless by some exceptional life altering event. because they still have their nagging conscience.
well, i made a much better argument last night.
and while many of us live in this fantasyland that nothing in this world changes, except for the better, it is just not true. change happens. it doesnt matter if you want it, it doesnt matter if you try your darndest to keep it from happening, it doesnt matter if you keep everything in your own life banal and unchanging.... things change... sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. and it is up to you to either adapt to it, or stick to your stubborn ways and pull a blindfold over your eyes and BELIEVE that nothing has and nothing will ever change. REALITY CHECK. shit happens.
so what do u do? the only logical and practical thing that you can. you adapt and hope things turn out well. or you can be proactive and actually shift things to go the way you want them to. just keep in mind the feelings of others when they are involved.
change of subect. im getting depressed with all this talk.
i have to get into GIRLFRIEND MODE. i know, i know. i didnt want to, but there is such a thing as compromise. as much as i know mark loves me, i know how much it sucks with all the mens in my life. im not saying to cut them out, i just have to cut down on time spent. im not single anymore. and as much as i wanna believe that nothing will change, and nothing has changed... things have, and i need to adapt to those changes. its okay. because its for the health of our relationship.
there's just a lot on my mind that i dont know how to verbalize. there's something nagging at me but i dont know what its trying to say. so im gonna go. and try to clarify this voice. you'll hear from me once i realize what this means.
had a VERY long debate with my (biological) older brother the other night about CHANGE. yes, things DO change. because change is inevitable. but good people in general do not make a big turn for the worse. even if their actions may say otherwise, good people dont turn evil unless by some exceptional life altering event. because they still have their nagging conscience.
well, i made a much better argument last night.
and while many of us live in this fantasyland that nothing in this world changes, except for the better, it is just not true. change happens. it doesnt matter if you want it, it doesnt matter if you try your darndest to keep it from happening, it doesnt matter if you keep everything in your own life banal and unchanging.... things change... sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. and it is up to you to either adapt to it, or stick to your stubborn ways and pull a blindfold over your eyes and BELIEVE that nothing has and nothing will ever change. REALITY CHECK. shit happens.
so what do u do? the only logical and practical thing that you can. you adapt and hope things turn out well. or you can be proactive and actually shift things to go the way you want them to. just keep in mind the feelings of others when they are involved.
change of subect. im getting depressed with all this talk.
i have to get into GIRLFRIEND MODE. i know, i know. i didnt want to, but there is such a thing as compromise. as much as i know mark loves me, i know how much it sucks with all the mens in my life. im not saying to cut them out, i just have to cut down on time spent. im not single anymore. and as much as i wanna believe that nothing will change, and nothing has changed... things have, and i need to adapt to those changes. its okay. because its for the health of our relationship.
there's just a lot on my mind that i dont know how to verbalize. there's something nagging at me but i dont know what its trying to say. so im gonna go. and try to clarify this voice. you'll hear from me once i realize what this means.
Sunday, June 02, 2002
everytime i read erik's blog, it makes me laugh OUTLOUD. not chuckle, but really HAR HAR HAR! that has to be one of the best feelings in the world.
im thinking on passing on the Beta Omega Phi Psi class car wash. i know that they're my pledge bros and all. but i just dont have the funds. n being a pledge sis, i know they'll be expecting a large donation. sorry guys. i love each n every one of you, but mar's got no ends.
besides... being a homebody yesterday makes me wanna be a homebody today. my blinds are wide open. the sunlight is FLOODING in, and i have a hilltop view. i feel like sunbathing. catching up on some reading and sunbathing. ah. maybe on tuesday. plans w/ mark tonight.
14 days til erik goes back home. 24 til he goes back up to bay area. this is just like last time. whne he kept telling me n emilio that he would call. n never did. punk.
im thinking on passing on the Beta Omega Phi Psi class car wash. i know that they're my pledge bros and all. but i just dont have the funds. n being a pledge sis, i know they'll be expecting a large donation. sorry guys. i love each n every one of you, but mar's got no ends.
besides... being a homebody yesterday makes me wanna be a homebody today. my blinds are wide open. the sunlight is FLOODING in, and i have a hilltop view. i feel like sunbathing. catching up on some reading and sunbathing. ah. maybe on tuesday. plans w/ mark tonight.
14 days til erik goes back home. 24 til he goes back up to bay area. this is just like last time. whne he kept telling me n emilio that he would call. n never did. punk.
Saturday, June 01, 2002
surprise surprise! i figger... i have nothing to hide. i think it's about time to start posting BEYOND MARFILES on a well-known site. i have to start owning up to everything i feel. have to start being more open to the world about it. have to stope trying to hide everything just for the sake of everyone else's feelings. sorry guys, but my sanity comes first. so here... this is a start. more will come in due time. but here are the two most recent entries::::
3.8.02:: i remember in high school when me and mark used to hang out. it was cool. he was sweet. he treated me like i mattered. we flirted. everyone thought that we were together. but i was still with pooh back then. and when pooh was gone, me and mark had drama. and it was never the same again. but recently, we've been talking a lot. hanging out a lot. flirting a lot. we played web cam tag the other night. we fell asleep on the phone the other night. and last night too. i heard him snoring. it kinda woke me up. but thats good. cuz i was having a bad dream about james. but that's a whole nother story. but he took me out for my first boba. and my second boba. i did a super stalker prank. we went to a bonfire together. he's cool around my sisters. he's cool around greeks. nice height. i think he's cute. and we have indescribable chemistry between us. a kind of tension, but not really. i cant explain the kind of connection we have. but i just know that i have to talk to him. i just know that i have to see him. hang out. and just be around him. it feels so right. when im with him, i... i dont know. its never weird. cuz i can be myself around him. and he can be himself around me. but im just scared. ugh. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i just know that i love spending time with mark. any time with mark. and ... ugh. i dont know how to explain. i just want to make him happy. ive been trying to rationalize it for a while. but its not coming to me. maybe i just need to spend some real quality time with pooh. and compare. with my feelings. but maybe its just the feeling of a renewed relationship. ... but then i know its not that. because ive always felt this way about mark. but it can be that i really like him because i know that i can never have him.... because of pooh. its just like that whole james thing. but with james it was different. specially now. cuz he's a big fat disser now. geez. i dont know. maybe im just scared of losing mark. ugh. i dont know. whatever. i have to figure this out. i would love to be with mark. but not as muich as i love pooh. damnit. its the same thing all the time. what the fuck. i cant deal with this.
4.6.02::: ive been trying so hard to convince myself that i wanna stay with genaro. because i love him. i know i love him. but its different now. its like the love i feel for him is a friend love. but it sucks to know that the way he loves me is the same as he always has. i dont wanna break his heart. but i know that no matter what, i will. but i cant help it if my feelings have changed. i dont think ive changed. but.. right now. i know that keping up with this whole charade will just make it worse in the end. i dont want to hurt anyone. but at this point, its killing me inside. i dont know. maybe its cuz of the whole mark issue. i love spending time with mark. i love his personality. i love how he treats me. how he's just himself. i told him... in my own special way... that i really wanna be with him. but i know after me and pooh break up, i have to keep it all discreet. i know that relations will hella change. so me and mark... its been going of for nearly 4 years. we've had this CHEMISTRY. its all... its all too ... i dont know how to explain it. i just know me and mark are supposed to be together. everything on the outside says it should be me and pooh. but everything else just points to mark. =T so i dont know. nsync's GIRLFRIEND just speaks to me right now. except that i know pooh cares. i know he loves me. but it just doesnt show. i dont know. but i know... i know. i just dont know how to go about it.
3.8.02:: i remember in high school when me and mark used to hang out. it was cool. he was sweet. he treated me like i mattered. we flirted. everyone thought that we were together. but i was still with pooh back then. and when pooh was gone, me and mark had drama. and it was never the same again. but recently, we've been talking a lot. hanging out a lot. flirting a lot. we played web cam tag the other night. we fell asleep on the phone the other night. and last night too. i heard him snoring. it kinda woke me up. but thats good. cuz i was having a bad dream about james. but that's a whole nother story. but he took me out for my first boba. and my second boba. i did a super stalker prank. we went to a bonfire together. he's cool around my sisters. he's cool around greeks. nice height. i think he's cute. and we have indescribable chemistry between us. a kind of tension, but not really. i cant explain the kind of connection we have. but i just know that i have to talk to him. i just know that i have to see him. hang out. and just be around him. it feels so right. when im with him, i... i dont know. its never weird. cuz i can be myself around him. and he can be himself around me. but im just scared. ugh. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i just know that i love spending time with mark. any time with mark. and ... ugh. i dont know how to explain. i just want to make him happy. ive been trying to rationalize it for a while. but its not coming to me. maybe i just need to spend some real quality time with pooh. and compare. with my feelings. but maybe its just the feeling of a renewed relationship. ... but then i know its not that. because ive always felt this way about mark. but it can be that i really like him because i know that i can never have him.... because of pooh. its just like that whole james thing. but with james it was different. specially now. cuz he's a big fat disser now. geez. i dont know. maybe im just scared of losing mark. ugh. i dont know. whatever. i have to figure this out. i would love to be with mark. but not as muich as i love pooh. damnit. its the same thing all the time. what the fuck. i cant deal with this.
4.6.02::: ive been trying so hard to convince myself that i wanna stay with genaro. because i love him. i know i love him. but its different now. its like the love i feel for him is a friend love. but it sucks to know that the way he loves me is the same as he always has. i dont wanna break his heart. but i know that no matter what, i will. but i cant help it if my feelings have changed. i dont think ive changed. but.. right now. i know that keping up with this whole charade will just make it worse in the end. i dont want to hurt anyone. but at this point, its killing me inside. i dont know. maybe its cuz of the whole mark issue. i love spending time with mark. i love his personality. i love how he treats me. how he's just himself. i told him... in my own special way... that i really wanna be with him. but i know after me and pooh break up, i have to keep it all discreet. i know that relations will hella change. so me and mark... its been going of for nearly 4 years. we've had this CHEMISTRY. its all... its all too ... i dont know how to explain it. i just know me and mark are supposed to be together. everything on the outside says it should be me and pooh. but everything else just points to mark. =T so i dont know. nsync's GIRLFRIEND just speaks to me right now. except that i know pooh cares. i know he loves me. but it just doesnt show. i dont know. but i know... i know. i just dont know how to go about it.
so this is me. reinventing. rediscovering. trying to find me. for what, i dont know. for who... for me ofcourse. and for why.. yes.. for why.
About Me
- Name: ahoy there matey
- Location: San Diego, CALIFORNIA, United States
Links
Previous Posts
- I'm finally in my first accounting class and I'm f...
- hm. It's always a strange feeling to see someone y...
- I had a dream about Y the other night. About how w...
- Just finished watching "Dear John" and it absolute...
- well hello there.I'm sitting here trying to watch ...
- Everlasting love is something that I've dreamt abo...
- I'm watching Leno and it feels so wrong. Everythin...
- I can't cook or do anything in my kitchen. The ref...
- Whoa. How long has it been? I would have to say it...
- So, another one, yeah? Holllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 2010....
Archives
- 09/01/2000 - 10/01/2000
- 07/01/2001 - 08/01/2001
- 08/01/2001 - 09/01/2001
- 09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001
- 10/01/2001 - 11/01/2001
- 11/01/2001 - 12/01/2001
- 01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002
- 02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002
- 03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002
- 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
- 05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
- 06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002
- 07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
- 08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
- 09/01/2002 - 10/01/2002
- 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
- 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002
- 12/01/2002 - 01/01/2003
- 01/01/2003 - 02/01/2003
- 02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003
- 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
- 04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003
- 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
- 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
- 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
- 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
- 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
- 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
- 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
- 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
- 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
- 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
- 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
- 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
- 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
- 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
- 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
- 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
- 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
- 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
- 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
- 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
- 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
- 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
- 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
- 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
- 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
- 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
- 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
- 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
- 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
- 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
- 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
- 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
- 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
- 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
- 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
- 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
- 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
- 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
- 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
- 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
- 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
- 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
- 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
- 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
- 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
- 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
- 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
- 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
- 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
- 07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
- 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
- 11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010
- 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
- 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
- Current Posts
