extended VROOM

Pisces
All those eager suitors are busy looking elsewhere. This position is filled. As far as you're both concerned, you chose the best candidate for the job. Maybe he or she chose you. No matter how it happened, you're staying together.

Libra
Your basic understanding may be getting lost in the busy times or chaos of your individual lives. It's unrealistic to expect nonstop passion. Be good to each other, and leave a door open for the love that never really went away.

hmmm... that was TODAY's horoscope. and technically, we didnt break up til today. er.

you're right erik. we are drama. thanks for the talk. helped a lot. next weekend. you. me. n bri. and maybe emil too.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:35 PM

...i realized that it wasnt love. not on his part anyway. i didnt doubt him when he told me he did. i believed him. i guess my mistake was mistaking that feeling for something else. it wasnt the pure kind of love. the kind of love you share with someone you care so much about that nothing else in the world matters. the kind of UNCONDITIONAL love. something that is to be SHARED between two people. not just as a mutual understanding that each cares about the other. hmph. i guess you'd have to have that kind of love at least once in your life to really understand what im talking about. i thought we had it. until the atom split and i opened my eyes just a wee bit more. i trusted him with my already bruised and battered heart. but i guess what i had in place of his was something different. i was barely about to open my eyes, when *WHACK!!!* truth bitch slaps me across the face. eyes open. both cheeks stinging. and when i raise my head, what do i see? my sad little heart alone in the dark. next to the glass one. the glass one gleams. and laughs at my pathetic heart for being such a fool.

yeah. i know ive been, there done that. but this time... was different. i woke up this morning not feeling like myself. missing a large chunk. i couldnt concentrate at work. generally, im pretty good at brushing things off while im at work. but today... i couldnt shake the feeling. felt like i needed to talk to him. felt like i needed closure. when i watched the modem dial up to call the credit card company for approval, all i could think was how we used to walk with his arm around me. and id look up at his face. and not worry about a thing. I DONT GET LIKE THIS AFTER A BREAK UP. i move on. so why is it this time...

fuck me. fuck this pathetic heart. "love is a prison when you are in love alone"

posted by ahoy there matey @ 5:49 PM

so true or false?
i think ill go with B

hahahhahahahah!!!!! man. this guy cracks me up!

Living on the edge out of control
And the world just wont let me slow down
But in my biggest picture was a photo of you and me
***** you know I tried I work hard to provide all the material things
That I thought would make you happy
I'm confused, can you make me understand
Cause I tried to give you the best of me
I thought we were cool maybe I was blind
But never took time to see

Can u help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you want to leave
***** help me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy! Life's a prison when your in love alone

(Oh *****) I need you to come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone

***** I put your love up on the shelf
And I guess I just left it to die
Now we're not together, cause I hurt you too many times
And now you're not around
I wish for every moment of time that got wasted
We used it to make sweet love
Want you to know that I got you if you need it
I don't want to be on the outside looking in
I got to have you *** can't you see

Can you help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can you help me
Tell me why you want to leave
Baby help me
Cause without you my whole world is falling apart
And without you I think I'll go crazy
Life's a prison when you're in love alone

(Oh ***) I need you to come back home (you know I need you)
I don't want to be alone

To give me another chance I want to be your girl
***, you got me down here on my knees
Crying, begging, pleading
I'll do anything for your love
Would you help me?


Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
I don't understand
*** I'm just a man
Help me
Can you help me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And without you, ***, I'm going crazy
Life's a prison without your love

Can you help me
Tell me why (why) why (why) why why why why
Can you help me
***, I'll never stop, cause you're all I got
Baby help me
Help me understand, I can be a girl
Drivin' me crazy (crazy crazy crazy)

Ooh *** I love ya (said I love ya ***)
You know I need ya (oooooh I need ya)
Can't live without ya (can't go one day without ya)
Oh *** I love ya (ooh *** I need ya)
You know I need ya (oohh no no)
Can't live without ya (can't have ya)
Ooh *** I need ya (oh no no no)
You know I need ya (no no no no)
Can't live without ya
Ooh *** I love ya (if u understand )
Ohh *** I need ya (can you help me)
(sing along)
You know I need ya

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:04 PM

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

Please love me or I'll be gone
ive been crying out for it for a while. i guess i just dont have the knack for getting my point across.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:27 PM

bri said "to all of those who flaked on mar, yall SUCKAS!"

yeah. he's the nice, shy, timid guy! hahahahahahahahha! you can call him TIMMY! TIMMY!!!!

hahaha. okay. enough of that. but he's the only one that kept me company. was even about to ditch his workout to keep me company cuz he felt bad that no one called me. man. see... that's a true friend. i need more of those.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:58 PM

well ive kept my room clean for the most part. but i have yet to vacuum. and there are still 3 piles of laundry waiting to be done. which will be done by 2pm today. and that's fo sho. damnit. im determined to get my shit together. first i tackle my environment. next i tackle my finances. next i tackle my body (ooh. that sounds kinky) yes. by the time school starts, my shit will be straight. that gives me one month.

i have a couple of financial hurdles to get over. one being a new washing machine for my moms. then figure out where all my credit card payments are going. no matter how much i pay off per month, the balance never seems to decrease. then pay for tuition. parking. books. and my first car payment is gonna be hard. my mom just informed me a couple of hours ago that i will also be paying for insurance as well as my car. meaning that i will have to ask bossmanMark if i could stay on for 40 hours per week when school rolls around. i know i can do it. the problem is time management between school, work, sorority, and social life. my mom has yet to understand the situations i put myself in.

i have a tendency to overload myself. i commit to things that i know i dont have the time for. or the money to do so. i need to discipline myself and say NO more often. NO to shopping. NO to volunteering for so many sorority activities. cuz if i think about it, work and school come first. work because i have so many bills to pay. school because that's the only way out of retail. the rest can wait.

chillin with my family this weekend has also made me realize how much i miss them. lately, my mom has been making an effort to spend time with us kids. maybe its because we havent seen our dad in such a long time. he's always at work. or across the street drinking w/ the rest of the uncles. or at sycuan gambling. i dont think ive seen him in over a week. its pretty bad. and my mom sees how its affecting us kids. and she sees that his behavior is starting to rub off on me. hmmm. i need to stop. cuz its having a negative effect on her as well.

yah know what? i just realized that ive had the same password for the past 2 years already. hey. that's a record.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:11 AM

thoughtfulness. patience. understanding. humor. sponteneity. values.

qualities that i admire. qualities that i love for the person that im with to possess. as a friend. as a companion.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:02 PM

wednesday night, my worlds collided. not all of them, but just a couple. i brought sisters, work, and boys together for dinner and drinking. i thought it would be horrible. i pictured myself bouncing around the room making sure that each element was having a good time. but i didnt have to.

jason (the other asst manager at work) had a good time. so did brian. and they both held their own with my sisters. they interacted. i found myself enjoying their company amongst my sisters, instead of making sure that they werent being bored to death. i LOVE that. i love it when i can just relax and not have to worry about my guests. as much as i love playing hostess, i dread being the one to console a friend who lacks the ability to click with those around them.

so that's three worlds that have come together. i have yet to infuse my home life, my school life, and brother life. i would love for all of them to come together in harmony. i wish my parents would understand and accept my social life. so that i wouldnt have to sneak out. as soon as the time comes, i know my bros will fully accept my sisters as well as my boys. i would like my sisters to get to know my family. i would like for my boys to get to know my family. i would love for each element in my life to harmonize with all others. ofcourse, that's all a dream. but there's no harm in wishing. and no harm in trying.

as for now, everything works out being separate. but ideally, my parents would know about everything. ideally, i wouldnt have to split up my time between my boys, work, and mark. its not that it's a burden or anything... i do well when it comes to splitting time between them all. but it would be so convenient to chill with all at the same time. hmm. oh well. things are like this for a reason. and i guess its nice to be able to pull from different places. that are so different.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:56 PM

i really need to get some solids in my tummy. all ive had all day was coffee and ice cream. man. and its REALLY not agreeing with me.

and today's horoscopes say:::
BOYFRIEND:: One partner wants the other to assume a more active role. If you're the inattentive one, wake up. If you're the impatient one, make your wishes known as a fun suggestion rather than a heavy demand. This is about supporting each other.

BEST FRIEND FILL IN:: Your always-predictable significant other is saying and doing strange things. Maybe you set this change in motion and didn't even notice. Step back to your original position and see if that stabilizes the dynamic. It's probably time for a long overdue talk.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:48 PM

rekt monkee: dude
rekt monkee: dued
rekt monkee: dued
rekt monkee: dude
rekt monkee: dude
super M A R 52: DUDE!
rekt monkee: im drunkish
super M A R 52: just a little
rekt monkee: i have a guitar between my legs
super M A R 52: DUUUUUUD
super M A R 52: dude
rekt monkee: dude
rekt monkee: wine is wonerf=ful
rekt monkee: wonderful
super M A R 52: tell me a STORY!
rekt monkee: i cant think
rekt monkee: what kinda story
super M A R 52: tell me a funny story
rekt monkee: i cant think of one
rekt monkee: nothing funny happened today
rekt monkee: why dont you tell me one and i'llt ell you
super M A R 52: tell me about rice
rekt monkee: i like jsamoine ridc
rekt monkee: e
rekt monkee: i made rice today
rekt monkee: it was tdry
rekt monkee: i like it dry
rekt monkee: rice
rekt monkee: dry drcis
rekt monkee: aaaaaa
rekt monkee: why am ionline
rekt monkee: '
rekt monkee: j;lkaljldfjfkjldkcolderthanitoughtabeinmarch
rekt monkee: intoyourarmsagain
rekt monkee: peoplehereareaskingafteryou
rekt monkee: doesntmakeiteasierdoesntmakeiteasiertobeaway
rekt monkee: WHAT'S UP DDUE
rekt monkee: jjdude
rekt monkee: what's uipddue
super M A R 52: you have a monster as a buddy icon
super M A R 52: GO LOOK!
rekt monkee: it's like a maze to my romom!
rekt monkee: i saw dude
rekt monkee: i dknow what id it
super M A R 52: describe your room to me
rekt monkee: it's a room
rekt monkee: four walls and a ceiling
super M A R 52: whats in it?
rekt monkee: me
rekt monkee: what the dilli izzy
super M A R 52: nada mucho hucho
rekt monkee: dude man dud
rekt monkee: haha. what are you doing
rekt monkee: they're smoking out there i dont wanna smoke
rekt monkee: but i already did
rekt monkee: shhhh
rekt monkee: dont tell no body
super M A R 52: dont worry i wont tell
super M A R 52: but ill tell ellie!
rekt monkee: better not
rekt monkee: HAHAH
rekt monkee: dude
rekt monkee: what?!
super M A R 52: but i already did!
rekt monkee: you still talk to her?
super M A R 52: yeah im talking to her right now
rekt monkee: you fucking lie
super M A R 52: im telling her that you're a crackhead
rekt monkee: what else is new
rekt monkee: okay you liar. dont mess with me like that
rekt monkee: she was.. special
rekt monkee: hahahaha sike
rekt monkee: im druunk
super M A R 52: you're drunk?
super M A R 52: really?
super M A R 52: whatd youdrink?
rekt monkee: dude
rekt monkee: didnt i tell you?
rekt monkee: rekt monkee (10:13:49 PM): im drunkish
super M A R 52: no you didnt
rekt monkee: 10:13 mothereffer
super M A R 52: well soooorrryyyyy
rekt monkee: sheesh dont pay attentiont o me
rekt monkee: mim not drunk im just tipsy wipsy
super M A R 52: no im just messing with you
rekt monkee: what!?
rekt monkee: im confused
super M A R 52: tell me more tell me more
super M A R 52: about that one girl
rekt monkee: what!?
rekt monkee: dude. wait
rekt monkee: why did y ou bring up ellie
rekt monkee: do you still talk to her?
rekt monkee: i dont wanna know.. but do yoU?
super M A R 52: no i dont
super M A R 52: im just fucking with you
rekt monkee: wbhydid you bring uer her up!?
super M A R 52: i dont know
super M A R 52: because
super M A R 52: jsut because
rekt monkee: why?
rekt monkee: what do you know
super M A R 52: I DONT KNOW!!!
super M A R 52: stopp pressuring me!
rekt monkee: WHAT DO YOU KNOW
rekt monkee: WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR
super M A R 52: ill never tell
rekt monkee: she's a whore
rekt monkee: do you know what i used to call her
rekt monkee: im kidding about the whore thing
rekt monkee: but do you know what i used to call her?
super M A R 52: smellie whre
rekt monkee: HEY
rekt monkee: how do you know
super M A R 52: cuz im in your head
rekt monkee: yowza
super M A R 52: im running around in there!
rekt monkee: sotp
super M A R 52: now im JUMPING! JUMPING!
rekt monkee: HAHA sotp
super M A R 52: boing boing boing boing
rekt monkee: that stands for seat of the pants
rekt monkee: STOP
rekt monkee: s
rekt monkee: t
rekt monkee: o
rekt monkee: p
super M A R 52: NO!
super M A R 52: boing boing boing boing BOING!
super M A R 52: HERE"S THE BIG ONE!!!
super M A R 52: BOING!!!
rekt monkee: hahaha you're dork
rekt monkee: wait hold on. im playing an evil trick
rekt monkee: are you gonna be online for long?
super M A R 52: what evil trick?
rekt monkee: on my friend
rekt monkee: cuz im mad at him
super M A R 52: you have to reveal your plan first
rekt monkee: he only talks to me when im in san diego
rekt monkee: so i messaged him and said.. HEY GUESS WHAT!
rekt monkee: and he said.. "what?"
rekt monkee: and im not gonna reply
rekt monkee: but also i wanna converse out there with the other drunk people
rekt monkee: so be right back. dont leave or else
rekt monkee: (left)
rekt monkee: (update) im being the guy perspective in the conversation out there. not good
rekt monkee: and you know that sheesha? that stuff you smoke out of hookahs?
rekt monkee: i put some in my mouth
rekt monkee: dont try it
rekt monkee: it's not as good as it seems
rekt monkee: (okay brb)
rekt monkee: DUDE!
super M A R 52: DUDE!
rekt monkee: okay im back
rekt monkee: and normal again
super M A R 52: you sobering up yet?
super M A R 52: aaaawwwww
super M A R 52: did you ever close this window?
rekt monkee: im cooliojiggy
super M A R 52: GO READ!
super M A R 52: its hilarious
rekt monkee: nope
rekt monkee: huh
super M A R 52: man you crack me up
rekt monkee: you didnt say anything
super M A R 52: but YOU did
rekt monkee: what the
rekt monkee: i dont wanna read anymore
rekt monkee: haha it's giving me a headache
rekt monkee: it's only 11:40!
rekt monkee: what the hell!?
super M A R 52: man o man o man o man
rekt monkee: what have you been doing?
super M A R 52: nothing
rekt monkee: im still having trouble typing but im straight enough to delete
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: ive been on the phone
rekt monkee: word to big bird
super M A R 52: haha
rekt monkee: so what's new
rekt monkee: tell me a story
super M A R 52: no. YOU tell ME a story
rekt monkee: i dont haaaave any
rekt monkee: you have to be here
super M A R 52: booooo
rekt monkee: i wasnt ddrunk
rekt monkee: oops
super M A R 52: sure you werent
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: what?
rekt monkee: what what what?
super M A R 52: YOUWERE TOO!
rekt monkee: man we need to get drunk
super M A R 52: yeah we do
rekt monkee: together
rekt monkee: i have a new thing
rekt monkee: no more rolling on floors
rekt monkee: did emil ever tell you about that?
rekt monkee: cuz that wasnt true at all
rekt monkee: ever
super M A R 52: ohhh ! TELL ME!
super M A R 52: see... tahts a storey
super M A R 52: ... that is a story...
rekt monkee: HAHA
rekt monkee: that never happened!
super M A R 52: okay. ill ask emil then
rekt monkee: i dont know why people said i rolled on the floors when i got drunk
rekt monkee: NO!
super M A R 52: aww.w...!!! ive never been drunk with you guys!
super M A R 52: =(
rekt monkee: ME NEITHER!
super M A R 52: okay. you and emil are taking me out the week of my bday!
rekt monkee: YES PLEASE
super M A R 52: YEAAHHH!!!!
super M A R 52: you know when my bday is right?
rekt monkee: spetember
rekt monkee: whoa
super M A R 52: noooo
rekt monkee: september?
rekt monkee: august?
rekt monkee: october?
rekt monkee: november?
super M A R 52: october
super M A R 52: FIRST
super M A R 52: sucak
super M A R 52: sucka
rekt monkee: SUCAK!?
rekt monkee: hahahaha
super M A R 52: you are gonna make me SUKA!
rekt monkee: SUKA tash
super M A R 52: suka is sour
rekt monkee: suka
rekt monkee: oh
rekt monkee: my name is luka
super M A R 52: hello luka
super M A R 52: im hungy
super M A R 52: hungRy
rekt monkee: hungry hungry hippo
super M A R 52: thats me!
super M A R 52: luka luka warm water!
rekt monkee: not even steven
rekt monkee: you need to gain weight
super M A R 52: whateva treva
super M A R 52: YOU need to gain weight
rekt monkee: whatever
rekt monkee: i need to lose weight
rekt monkee: hahahaha
super M A R 52: yeah i do
rekt monkee: no
rekt monkee: i
rekt monkee: not you
rekt monkee: i
super M A R 52: what?
super M A R 52: shut up toothpick
rekt monkee: whatever
super M A R 52: you sound like a girl
rekt monkee: you want me in your mouth
super M A R 52: "oh. im fat. i need to lose weight"
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHAH
super M A R 52: ew
rekt monkee: i didnt say that
rekt monkee: i just said i need to lose weight
rekt monkee: for the match against valley
super M A R 52: okay slater
super M A R 52: "what does AC stand for?"
rekt monkee: haha. dude
rekt monkee: air con
rekt monkee: duh
super M A R 52: "absolutely charming"
rekt monkee: albert clifford
super M A R 52: but thats not the line he used
rekt monkee: i dont know what you're taling about
rekt monkee: im confused
super M A R 52: sure sure
super M A R 52: you know you watched every episode
rekt monkee: i did
rekt monkee: quiz me
super M A R 52: what did slater
super M A R 52: ... oh crap
super M A R 52: what did slater's girlfriend from germany call him?
rekt monkee: alby
rekt monkee: al b sure
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: yeaahhhh
rekt monkee: i am the master
rekt monkee: i think i even know the college year episodes to
rekt monkee: o
super M A R 52: wowo
super M A R 52: i dont know the college episodes that well
super M A R 52: damn fanatic
rekt monkee: true that
rekt monkee: hahaah
rekt monkee: im bored
rekt monkee: entertain me!!!!
super M A R 52: okay.
super M A R 52: what do you get from a cow thats been pampered her whole life?
rekt monkee: steak
super M A R 52: no
super M A R 52: SPOILED MILK!
rekt monkee: stuuuuuuuuuuupid
rekt monkee: wait that doesnt make sense
rekt monkee: pampering - giood
rekt monkee: = good
rekt monkee: spoiled = bad
super M A R 52: yeah... SPOILED
rekt monkee: hahahahhha what?
super M A R 52: nooo... like a spoiled brat
rekt monkee: i get it
super M A R 52: like those rich kids
rekt monkee: i just wanted to kill it
rekt monkee: hahahahahahahahahahahhah
rekt monkee: ruin your life
super M A R 52: duummmbbbbbb
super M A R 52: thanks
rekt monkee: hahaha
rekt monkee: high five
rekt monkee: WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY
super M A R 52: whoops! i missed!
super M A R 52: 10.01.81
rekt monkee: 1981?
rekt monkee: how did that happen
super M A R 52: yesh
super M A R 52: that was the day of my birth
rekt monkee: haha. i thought 1981s graduated in 1999
super M A R 52: shuuuut up
super M A R 52: im a fob remember?
rekt monkee: no
rekt monkee: you are!?
super M A R 52: yeah
super M A R 52: came here when i was 5!!!
rekt monkee: that dont mean you're a fob
rekt monkee: i thought you just came like.. last year
rekt monkee: hahaa
super M A R 52: hahahah
rekt monkee: you aint a fob
rekt monkee: but that explains it
rekt monkee: i was wondering how you're turning 21 already
rekt monkee: when you just graduated
rekt monkee: sorta. two years ago
rekt monkee: damn you're old
super M A R 52: hhaha
super M A R 52: thanks
super M A R 52: you're OLDER
super M A R 52: so shut up
rekt monkee: HAHA
super M A R 52: man.
super M A R 52: i just tried to say "me and jan are gonna join the gym together"
super M A R 52: and i COULDNT!
super M A R 52: im such a fob
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHA
rekt monkee: wait. that's right
rekt monkee: i read it like a fob though
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: i bet you did
rekt monkee: hahah whatever non-fob
rekt monkee: stop trying for pity
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: no really.. i couldnt say it
super M A R 52: im on the phone w/ the bf right now
super M A R 52: and i kept trying to say it but i couldnt
rekt monkee: your bf is jan?
rekt monkee: oh wait
rekt monkee: that wouldnt make sense
super M A R 52: no
super M A R 52: my bf is mark
super M A R 52: but im talking to jan online
rekt monkee: is jan a girl?
super M A R 52: yes jan is a girl
rekt monkee: is she cute?
super M A R 52: http://geocities.com/marpictures/marjan.JPG
rekt monkee: ooh yeah baby. picture
rekt monkee: except it's wrong
super M A R 52: aw damnit
rekt monkee: it's janmar.JPG
rekt monkee: haha found your pics
super M A R 52: haha cool
rekt monkee: ahhhh
rekt monkee: richie!
rekt monkee: i think?
super M A R 52: richie?
rekt monkee: never mind
super M A R 52: are you looking through my pictures?
rekt monkee: yes
rekt monkee: haha square nostrils
super M A R 52: hey.
super M A R 52: OH MAN
super M A R 52: hahaha
super M A R 52: are you using dial up?
super M A R 52: WHOA!
super M A R 52: your monster started moving again!
rekt monkee: hahahaha
rekt monkee: kinky
rekt monkee: no i have cable
super M A R 52: aw
super M A R 52: punk
rekt monkee: why
super M A R 52: nothing
super M A R 52: cuz i have dialup
super M A R 52: and it SUCKS
rekt monkee: NEENER NEENER
super M A R 52: okay weiner
rekt monkee: you like that, dont you
rekt monkee: are you still on the phone
super M A R 52: not anymore
super M A R 52: i just got off a minute ago
rekt monkee: why
rekt monkee: did he get pissy
super M A R 52: his friends came over
rekt monkee: oh
rekt monkee: girls?
rekt monkee: yeah, girls
super M A R 52: guys
rekt monkee: "guys"
super M A R 52: something ike that
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: darn
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: ew
rekt monkee: i feel nasty. let me take off this shirt
rekt monkee: oh right. thatonly works if you're here
rekt monkee: HAHA sike
rekt monkee: ew
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: theres always a webcam sucka
rekt monkee: EW
super M A R 52: gimme ur isp addy
rekt monkee: you want it
super M A R 52: hahhahahah
rekt monkee: HAHA EW
rekt monkee: i lost my gut!
rekt monkee: almost all gone!
super M A R 52: so... how you doin
rekt monkee: how YOOOOU doin
super M A R 52: wow. im jelly
rekt monkee: junk in the trunk
rekt monkee: whatever you're a twig
super M A R 52: whatever toothpick
super M A R 52: wait.. that doesnt rhyme
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: loser
rekt monkee: but you are!
rekt monkee: a loser
rekt monkee: AND A TWIG
super M A R 52: im a lowig
rekt monkee: HAHA
rekt monkee: i didnt get that at first
super M A R 52: does that make you a lostpick?
rekt monkee: what?
rekt monkee: wait
super M A R 52: wait.
super M A R 52: no.
super M A R 52: shit.
rekt monkee: WHAT?
super M A R 52: scratch that
super M A R 52: NOTHING
rekt monkee: i dont get it
super M A R 52: didnt say a word
rekt monkee: DAMN what's wrong with you'
rekt monkee: confusing!
super M A R 52: nothing
super M A R 52: SO ANYWAY.....
super M A R 52: IM A MONSTER!! ROAAARRR!!!!
rekt monkee: WHAT THEHELL
rekt monkee: i just checked my tracker
rekt monkee: someone searched for erik mar
super M A R 52: WHOA!
super M A R 52: thats probably emil
rekt monkee: HAHA what?
super M A R 52: hey i signed your guestmap
rekt monkee: yes i know you did
rekt monkee: i saw
rekt monkee: haha didnt you see what i wrote?
rekt monkee: latest entry at the very bottom
rekt monkee: dude have you been reading my page?
super M A R 52: i read it like 5 hours ago
rekt monkee: umm. i dontknow
rekt monkee: hah. so when's the last time you talked to emil
super M A R 52: that one night
rekt monkee: at band camp
super M A R 52: when i was like "hey erik emil says..."
rekt monkee: oh duh
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: friday night
rekt monkee: you talk to him on the phone?
rekt monkee: or in person
super M A R 52: cuz his girl couldnt come down til sat
super M A R 52: on the phone
rekt monkee: his girl couldnt come down til saturday on the phone!?
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: no no no
super M A R 52: his girl couldnt come down til saturday so he went out w/ his boys on friday
rekt monkee: you ruin my jokes ruining your jokes
super M A R 52: and i was talkin to brian and brian was with him
rekt monkee: your nonjokes
super M A R 52: hahahah
super M A R 52: shut up
super M A R 52: they're not jokes
super M A R 52: so i ruin YOUR jokes
super M A R 52: sucak
rekt monkee: HAHA that's why i said NONjokes
rekt monkee: SUCAK!
super M A R 52: SUKA
rekt monkee: HAHAHA AGAIN
rekt monkee: SUKA!
rekt monkee: AGAIN!
rekt monkee: LOL
super M A R 52: again!
super M A R 52: YAK YAK YAK
super M A R 52: ew
rekt monkee: HAHAHA funny
rekt monkee: brian looks like a little boy
rekt monkee: but dont tell him i said that
super M A R 52: i think i will
super M A R 52: you do realize that this entire conversation will be posted on my blog tomorrow
super M A R 52: well no.
super M A R 52: just the part when you were "tipsy wipsy"
rekt monkee: NOOOOOOOO
rekt monkee: haahha
rekt monkee: make me anonymous. haha
super M A R 52: oh HELL no
super M A R 52: anonymity does not exist on my blog
rekt monkee: YOU SUCK
rekt monkee: SUKAC
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHAHA
super M A R 52: SUKA
rekt monkee: sukac looks like.. suck cack
super M A R 52: you guys have to make me drink so much that i YAK that night
rekt monkee: okay maybe not
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
super M A R 52: no it doesnt
rekt monkee: i dont like being responsible like that
rekt monkee: i feel guilty
super M A R 52: awww
super M A R 52: we'll make emil the responsible one
rekt monkee: haha i obviously do that a lot to people
rekt monkee: no i dont
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: since he's no longer an alkie
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: SUUUUURE
super M A R 52: its okay. i dont mind
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: nah really. i get scared cuz i think they're gonna die of alcohol poisoning
rekt monkee: hahaah
rekt monkee: and then it ruins my buzz
super M A R 52: hahah
rekt monkee: HAHAHAHAHA
super M A R 52: WOW
super M A R 52: how adult of you
rekt monkee: i know
rekt monkee: it sucks
rekt monkee: but i wanna get drunk with you guys!
rekt monkee: WHERE THOUGH
super M A R 52: yeaaahhhh!!!
super M A R 52: i dont know
rekt monkee: i aint hanging out at a crackhouse
super M A R 52: it wont matter... cuz ill be LEGAL!
super M A R 52: finally
super M A R 52: hahah
rekt monkee: DUDE
rekt monkee: i have a plan
super M A R 52: ...
rekt monkee: but i dont want to
rekt monkee: dammit
super M A R 52: and EVIL plan?
rekt monkee: dammit
rekt monkee: no
rekt monkee: i mean. about us drinking
super M A R 52: ooh!
super M A R 52: do tell
rekt monkee: cuz see. when i was coming down the first weekend of august
rekt monkee: ..it was for our annual barrio fiesta
rekt monkee: but then i dont have to go now
rekt monkee: so my parents wont be there
rekt monkee: here
rekt monkee: there
rekt monkee: at my house in san diego
rekt monkee: mothereffer!
rekt monkee: but im not going down anymore. HAHA
super M A R 52: booooo
rekt monkee: sucker emcee
rekt monkee: i dont wanna do that drive again
super M A R 52: boooo
super M A R 52: then FLY!
rekt monkee: fucking shittage
rekt monkee: yeah. pay for my flight
super M A R 52: haha sure
rekt monkee: then the end
super M A R 52: ill pay with monopoly money
rekt monkee: YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE
rekt monkee: we could get wasted till the break of dawn
super M A R 52: yeah. cuz my mom will let me right?
rekt monkee: 24 fucking 7
rekt monkee: oh yeah, huh
super M A R 52: remember????
rekt monkee: HEHEHEHEHEHE
rekt monkee: now i do
rekt monkee: never mind you suck forever sucak
super M A R 52: going on 6 hours....
rekt monkee: 6 hours of what
super M A R 52: and those are 6 ACTIVE hours of internet
super M A R 52: what a LOSER!!!!
rekt monkee: so what
super M A R 52: nothing
rekt monkee: no shame in communicating with me
rekt monkee: hahaha
super M A R 52: i feel like a gump
rekt monkee: GUMP
rekt monkee: hahah i remember that word
rekt monkee: ellie used to call me gimp
super M A R 52: hahaha
rekt monkee: ew
rekt monkee: what are we talking about
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: i dont know
super M A R 52: okay. my bf is chasing a POSSUM
super M A R 52: WTF
rekt monkee: that's code dude
rekt monkee: dont you know?
super M A R 52: I WANNA CHASE IT TOO!!!!
rekt monkee: whoa
rekt monkee: i wanna see that
super M A R 52: no... they're ACTUALLY chasing a possum
rekt monkee: mmmmmmhmmmmmmm
rekt monkee: do you SEE the possum?
super M A R 52: no but i hear them. and they were chasing that shit up a TREE!
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: WTF
rekt monkee: MORE CODE
super M A R 52: these guys are hilarious!!!!!
rekt monkee: morse code
rekt monkee: what the hell
rekt monkee: where are you
super M A R 52: DORK!
super M A R 52: im on the phone
rekt monkee: literally!?
rekt monkee: dude im coming down
super M A R 52: what?
super M A R 52: yeah im sitting on my cel
rekt monkee: what
super M A R 52: "im on the phone"
rekt monkee: yeah i know
rekt monkee: ANYWAY
super M A R 52: erik: "literally!?"
rekt monkee: hahah
rekt monkee: DUDE
rekt monkee: you're killing my jokes
super M A R 52: haahahaha
super M A R 52: YEAHHHHH!!!!
rekt monkee: STOP THE MADNESS
rekt monkee: haha you're no fun
super M A R 52: hahaha
super M A R 52: and im even funner DRUNK!
super M A R 52: haha
rekt monkee: I WANNA DRINK WITH YOU
rekt monkee: october what?
super M A R 52: the weekend of the first
rekt monkee: wait i stopped drinking
super M A R 52: yeah well you're gonna drink with me!
rekt monkee: no. only if emil drinks
super M A R 52: awwww
super M A R 52: thats not cool
super M A R 52: i dont wanna drink by myself
rekt monkee: HAHA
rekt monkee: emil dont drink at all!?
super M A R 52: hahah
super M A R 52: okay okay!
super M A R 52: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
super M A R 52: we're getting CRUNKED!
rekt monkee: what?
rekt monkee: what???
super M A R 52: you'll only drink if emil drinks
rekt monkee: yes
super M A R 52: but ofcourse emil will drink
rekt monkee: yeah right
super M A R 52: so that means we'll all be drinking
super M A R 52: awwwwwwww
super M A R 52: NOOOOO!!!!
rekt monkee: not
rekt monkee: he wont
super M A R 52: you HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO!
rekt monkee: dont bring your bf
super M A R 52: i wont
rekt monkee: haha cool
rekt monkee: i dont like that pressure
super M A R 52: i wont
rekt monkee: good
rekt monkee: haha. i was just saying
rekt monkee: soooo yeah. where?
rekt monkee: haha
super M A R 52: i dont know
super M A R 52: you guys are the former alkies
rekt monkee: hm.. we've chatted since... 1999?
rekt monkee: finally met in 2002
super M A R 52: 98
rekt monkee: soooooooo, i say we're bound to drink up in.... hmmm... 2006
rekt monkee: HAHAHAH
rekt monkee: wait i'll be back. dont leave
rekt monkee: 10 minutes or less
rekt monkee: (gotta brush teeth and shit)
rekt monkee: (not literally shit)
super M A R 52: hahahah!
super M A R 52: ew
rekt monkee: haha
rekt monkee: okay im done
rekt monkee: i feel refreshed. took my shirt off.....oooooooooh yeah
super M A R 52: ooh minty fresh and CLEAN internals
super M A R 52: nice
super M A R 52: oooooh yeah
rekt monkee: im burnin up baaaaaaaybeh
rekt monkee: im burnin up
super M A R 52: oh yeaaaah
rekt monkee: haha. kylie minogue
rekt monkee: okay i gotta go
rekt monkee: i might hit my head on the way down
super M A R 52: hahha
super M A R 52: okay
super M A R 52: good luck gettiing to floor
super M A R 52: nite nite
rekt monkee: I DONT ROLL
rekt monkee signed off at 1:17:37 AM.


im too lazy to color code it for you. YOU do it.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:25 AM

i watched 4 hours of MTV with brian last night. he's the first person that i actually enjoyed talking to on the phone while watching tv w/ since my best friend sara from 7th grade. and how long has it been since i've watched MTV? didnt watch it til i started talking to him. hmm. im still trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. good because its fun. bad because.... well because its MTV.

i have two interviews tomorrow. hopefully these guys will actually be cool. but we were looking for girls. theres too many damn guys working with us. but its k. cuz me, kat, n davina are all tomboys. so it works out.

and im posting because???? i dont know. to kill time. to kill space.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:04 PM

I love you and I need you
****, I love you, I do
Need you

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you

Uh-uh-uh-uh
I met this chick and she just moved right up the block from me
And she got the hots for me, the finest thing I needto see
But oh, no, no, she got a man and a son, oh-oh, but that's okay
'Cause I wait for my cue and just listen, play my position
Like a shortstop, pick up e'rything mami hittin'
And in no time I better make this friend mine and that's for sure
'Cause I-I never been the type to break up a happy home
But there's something 'bout baby girl, I just can't leave her 'lone
So tell me, ma, what's it gonna be
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you

Uh-uh-uh-uh
I see a lot in your look and I never say a word
I know how n****s start actin' trippin' , and hate up all the girls
And there's no way **** go for it
Ain't no dame, as you could see
But I-I like your steeze, your style, your whole demeanor
The way you come through and holler, and swoop me in his two-seater
Now that's gangsta and I got special ways to thank ya,
don't you forget it
But it ain't that easy for you to back up and leave him
But you and me we got ties for different reasons
I respect that and right before I turned to leave
She said, "You don't know what you mean to me," come on

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
Boy, you know I'm crazy over you

No matter what I do
All I think about is you
Even when I'm with my Boo
You know I'm crazy over you

I love you and I need you
****, I love you, I do
And it's more than you'll ever know
Boy, it's for sure
You can always count on my love
Forever more, yeah, yeah

posted by ahoy there matey @ 3:46 PM

LIBRA:: You're in love with the world, but to make life easy you'll lavish your attentions on a single representative. It's flattering to know how much someone wants you. Cooperate with your partner even if he or she would gladly do all the work.
PISCES:: Love keeps you waiting. If a person that you care about breaks a date, there's probably a good reason. Most would call you a true romantic. As long as you get what you want, you don't care what they say.

LEO:: Romance is about friendship as well as satisfaction. Be helpful to your partner when he or she is having problems. Love erases the feelings of superiority and inferiority that often color other social interactions. Everyone here is equal and deserving.
CANCER:: Have you been a little clingy lately? If so, you need to prove to yourself that you can be strong and independent on your own. Go to a movie or restaurant by yourself; it will be easier than you think!

::TOMORROW::

LIBRA:: Formality is awkward but necessary. People that have been getting too close too fast need to pull back and figure out what's happening. Both parties deserve a relationship that works for them.
PISCES:: If you're inexperienced at love, you'll soon learn. Unlikely partners have a lot to teach each other. Finally, those amazing tales of true romance aren't just anecdotes that happen to someone else. If you behave with honor, you can act without guilt.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:23 PM

in this state of mind i have nothing left to do except to hide. my poor journal is still missing and i cant bring myself to type in beyondmaRfiles. so i guess im going to bottle up all of these emotions and let it corrode my state of being until i have nothing left. and i just crack. and type. publicize what i need, and inevitably destroy the relationships i have worked so hard to form and maintain.

ugh. screw this. im on my rag. and its killing me.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:33 PM

so what. i BROKE. talkin to my big bro has inspired me. nice how alike we are in terms of thought processes and actions. but you'd have to be one of us to really see it. if anyone else did, it wouldnt be a good thing. i think a lot would crumble had the similarities been publicized.
(quick thought:: damn! tuan has been on for 2 days, 10 hours, and 13 minutes. good lord. and knowing him, he's probably been sitting there and actually been using the internet the whole time!)

well anyway, he opened my eyes a little bit more. made me see the consequences of my actions. even if he did it unintentionally, he still did. i love how he can just pull quotes out of nowhere. if ever you need a suitable quote for something, he's the guy to ask. and we stumbled upon a stickyickyicky topic. he advised. and i listened. well first he listened, then advised, then i listened. and i came to a conclusion... ANOTHER ONE! hahah! and goes liiiiiike... WHOAAAAAAAA. amber is the color of your energy. no. really.. it goes...

dot... dot.... dot....

as far as what action im gonna take. that's a whole nother subject.

i know ive been kinda shady lately as far as my posts go. and i apologize. but i have to draw these out while in my shell. ive been extremely careless in the past. and a friend advised that i take into consideration the feelings of the people concerned. although this IS my blog. where i vent. where i go to try to discover parts of me via unhibited typing. but... this time i choose to sit and watch from afar. see where it takes me. and just act on that. so i apologize if i havent been myself. just readjusting.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:40 AM

i need to drink. A LOT.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:22 AM

in a text message dated 7.15.02 at 00:04am from +185872235**
""giraffes have no vocal chords""

randomness is WONDERFUL! even better when you know why! ... or is it?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:07 AM

i tried with ice cream. shot down. geez im such a CRAB. crawled back into my little shell.

but this time ive gotten stronger. i hate being such a fucking WUSS. always caving in. BLEEHHHH!!!!!

tried. failed.

in a text message dated 7.14.02 at 4:54pm received from +185872235** "i've been crawling in the dark... looking for the answer..."
.... this time i emerge with more.

BOOYAHHHHHH!!!!!!

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:20 PM

ii want my Arnettes. they're called "Swinger." i want the amber ones. but with polarized lenses. but i cant find them anywhere. damnit. well maybe cuz they dont COME polarized mar. idiot. shut up. so? i want some protection damnit!

but FUCK. i keep forgetting that ill be wearing glasses for a year. shit.

well here they are anyway::

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:18 PM

things ive learned over the past couple of months...

and some things that ive experienced for the first time...

and the people ive met...

the things ive seen...

all have brought me to one single conclusion:::::

dot.. dot... dot...

living the life. doing my thang. being me. not her. i like this change. amazing how much perspective can be acquired while in solitude.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:01 PM

nothing better than KILLING MY MOOD. day started off GREAT. but as for the remainder of the evening....

i think ill just sit here and make myself feel worse by reading all of these annoying FUCKS that have nothing interesting to say. hey, as long as i feel like shit, i might as well go the distance.

my poor ading CHRIS. spun out and slammed into the divider. some fuckface cut him off and made him swerve outta control. i hate stupid fucks that cant drive.

aw. fuck me. no really. fuck me. NOW.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:51 PM

it's the little things.....
and then there's the shit....

I know it's hard for you
To understand what I'm going through
But now I sit here to remind myself
You're always dressed to kill
And you feel like you owe it to the world
But you owe it to yourself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I
I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say
You're better alone anyways
But you're always on tour
And you're never home
I'm always dressed to kill
And I feel like I owe it to the world
But I owe it to myself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I
I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say...
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine
You're better alone anyways
And you're not here, not here
I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say...

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:52 PM

i plan on going to italy someday. maybe backpack through it. but never france. all the french people that walk through those doors at work can just kiss my ass. why must they all be so RUDE? but anyway... i want to go to italy. and see all the museums. and visit the Sistine Chapel. and see everything. WOW! im excited.

i went to the WYD send off mass last night. they're going to canada on their pilgrimage.
it brought back memories of our masses before a BNP panawagan retreat. in the tiny little chapel on the amphibious base in coronado. the mass was so personal. i miss how we would hold ultreyahs every night before the retreat. how we went to confession downtown together. it was great. then when retreat weekend came around, we were so energized. so excited about the kind of difference we might make on these kids' lives. and the fact that we touched so many youth and showed them the path... man. that's the best feeling EVER! and then there was the GRAND ULTREYAH. every october 23rd. we would meet up somewhere in the country to meet all the BNP youth. listen to Ate Salveh speak. and form a bond with everyone there. because we were all there to celebrate Christ's birth. MAN. i miss that. maybe i should be active again. i havent leaped in close to 5 years. hmmm. food for thought.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:20 PM

debt on my head wasting time on my own
sleep, rescue me. take me back to my home
for the times that you wanna go and bust rhymes real slow
ill appear, slap you on the face and enjoy the show

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:20 PM

"good job"

i think so.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:15 PM

i want the PUPPY! i will have dinoguan. and baboy. and pancit. and lumpia. and mocha. those puppies are CUTE!

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:12 PM

Bri's horoscope says:: You've been chasing the wrong person. Make your apologies and a dignified exit. There are more suitable partners, many of whom are interested and available. After a rocky start, this could turn into your most romantic month in a while.

Mine says:: Formally end an old relationship before starting a new one. The other party may not have someone waiting, and thus deserves compassion. In the end, though, your happiness is more important than the needs of one that you no longer love.

Boyfriend's says:: Too much of a good thing leaves you jaded. Take a rest from the pleasurable pursuits that dominate your life. Instead of constant physical communication, try talking without touching. You may find that you're compatible in other ways as well.

Pooh's says:: Even though you're having fun, you sense that it's not forever. The person with whom you're spending quality time may not be right for the long haul. You don't have to start returning house keys, CD's and T-shirts, but just don't get too comfortably entangled.

if any of it is relative, not exactly sure. but its funny as hell. know what else is funny as hell?

bUMbUMJOBY74: i'm sherwin's type.
Invazn204: Faggit!

i love my bros!

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:09 PM

drinking with the bros.. always a good time.

sex talks with the girls... always fun.

chillin with sisters.. best times ever.

napping with boyfriend... wow.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 3:24 PM

Pictures in my room

by my tv there are a few. one is me and genaro's prom picture. its only a wallet size. in the 3x5 prom favor frame. next to is is a framed letter from Clarice Bandoy about sisterhood. on top, is a professional photo of me and the bros. marlodude, bakla G, chuck, jObs, jay, dikkless cheng n cherwin. then one of me, pooh, chuck, balka G, n Ty (a rare time when he got to chill with the homies instead of being locked up at his lady's pad) chillin in the bed of pooh's truck. to the right is a pic of me n mark in la jolla. was that my first boba? i was a rockstar and he was rockin a star.

left wall. a mini collage from the fall '01 AE magalog. weezer. a description of AE jeans, american eagle outfitters. and 4 members from the cast of road rules. me, kendog, krystle, n evan did a fashion show wearing those exact same outfits. took a picture in the exact same pose. i have yet to add the picture to that collage. then a poster that jeanelle made for me. it was a bday present. tigger, pooh, and genie. drew it from scratch then she painted it. took her a while. then a pic of LET1 m/f colorguard 96-97. no one is scratched out on that one. then my varsity letter. a framed Jesus with my rosary from my first communion. a "the tigger movie" poster with an AphiG candy thing from the Sigmas from my formals.

on my door there is a DC comics poster i got from the one time i went to comic con in 97. surrounding it is various nametags (HELLO, my name is....) i collected from people. rodel C, dale duarte, maria, jasmine mayo, maria, mark oira, mark, marlon capili, jovilynn olegario, mike, tuan, james, latoiya, jane, maria, mar, mar, mar, genaro, maria. those were from link crew, ae, and fall rush 01 (aphig). two bows from christmas and my birthday. a letter from llewelyn galace. a list of names and numbers from LQ (ladies of quality in my senior year) and 4 pictures. one of me n my best friend Roma in the philippines. it was one of our birthdays. and we're both about to dig into our cake. i musta been 2 or 3. she was a year older. but i was still taller. then me and charles. with anime scrolls in the background. im choking my favorite teddy bear n he's about to clonk it with an empty roll of wrapping paper. we used to think that we could hang up scrolls and charge people to take pictures. we wanted to start our own business (but that's a whole nother story). then one of me, lynsey, sophia, and herschel at 8th grade graduation. lynsey didnt walk. i had this "i just stopped crying to take this picture" look on my face. i cried that whole week. then on of me and noi at our 8th grade formals. then one of me, sara, and rona at 8th grade awards ceremony. i was gonna put the one of our awards (they were all lined up on the floor), but that woulda just been conceited.

on another wall is my family tree. a heart-shaped box from me n genaro's first valentines day. a collage that i used to keep on the front of my clear-view binder. of random pictures of family, the bros and colorguard. an 8x10 of me and my son romeo at ucsd. the SOP from BRIGADE when we won. a thing from asb ball when i was nominated for the court. my mervyns, ROTC, and cadet club nametags.

the wall adjacent to that one: a plaque from the army instructors. a certificate from AphiG as the top fundraiser last semester. junior year RO ball. one of ablolalejandrinonog in all white. n me n genaro. then ihave up all of my panoramic pictures. chuck, jObs, bakla G playing chess at my kitchen table. bakla G and jObs sleeping on my couch. chuck, bakla G n jObs chillin in the backseat of the van on the way to 6flags. la jolla shores. leah n jeremy climbin the tree at formals. mac the moose, talking pooh, and gund pooh on my couch. downtown LA as seen from a hilltop. iczer line up doing the "suck it." another iczer line up. the family chillins during christmas in my pad. and another one.

on my computer desk: zeta pledge class at our candlelighting w/ momma gloria. the first BROs picture. me, pooh, jay, bakla G, chuck, n cherwin. then a frame of all of the sticker pictures ive ever taken. me n jeanelle at sanrio. me, irene, lloyd n jun at plaza. me n irene at mission. me n sher at plaza. me n pooh at sanrio. me n jeanelle at plaza. me n jeanelle with a turkey. me, josie, jeanelle for jeanelle's bday. me n pooh at mission. me, rodel, butch, n pooh for rodel's bday. me, ding, ty, ron, n jeromo at mission. me n jeanelle at plaza. me n some clowns. me n jeanelle while we were waiting for our food at carls jr. me, jeanelle, n momo at plaza. me, mark, n aileen after frogshots. me n rodel. me n irma after she got back from spring camp. me, chuck n ann. me n jeanelle with some pigs. then in the frame is a picture of me n my brother when i was 2. we were running through the park holding hands. we both had this look on our faces... so innocent. just having the time of our lives because we were running. then a pic of me n my brother when i was 3. he had his arm around my shoulders, i had my arm around his waist. then another one when i was almost two. me n my brother. he had headphones on (the big clunky ones from the eighties). and i had this BIG koolaid smile. then theres a pic of me, jeanelle n josie. one of those booth pictures at knotts berry farm. then a pic that llewelyn took of me, josie, bernalyn, jeanelle n melissa w/ our trophies. then the LET3CG picture w/ all of our trophies. a panoramic of me n jan at formals. a wide shot of jesse after he just came out of the shop with his new lights n new paint job. he's parked next to adam in my driveway. a halfwallet of first year brigade. a pic of m/f cg at lakewood after the awards ceremony. with our new trophies. n a hanging picture of jay with my nephew rikki. jay just looks like a dad. then the panoramic frame on my printer. a printout of me, jeanelle, josie, and bernalyn hugging llewelyn galace and melissa nievera. a pic of me and ronnie when we went to sadies together. a pic of me, mike, toiya, jason, n cuzzin mark at j-street marina after takin gout AP govt picture. (haha! 52 government room!) then a pic of LET1 male and female COLORGUARD. all 20 of us. when we were first introduced to the battalion. all 20 which was a rarity. me, bernalyn, and lerane were wearing harnesses. that was when bernalyn was still commander. the picture was taken mid-OOHRAH from the male flags.

the mini wall next to my window has a beach poster with cutouts for pictures. one with ronnie. one with charles n leighann. one with cuzzin mark n his ex. one with me n pooh. one of romeo. of of jerry n lhea. one of the battalion staff in my junior year. everyone except the XO. it wasnt supposed to be a BNstaff picture. it was meant to be a picture of the RO homies. it just ended up being everyone on staff except the XO that no one liked.

then my big wall. which has yet to be filled. theres a framed pic of me n my big sis. when i presented her with a paddle at my formals. a framed one of me n mark at this semester's formals. when we're lookin into each others eyes. an 8x10 frame with a pic of me n my twin NAN, me n secret twin JAN, my big sis w/ noe, and me n my big bro. another 8x10 frame contains the following: my parents when i took them to claim jumpers. i dont remember the occassion. i think i just wanted to take them out one night. that bill HURT. but was well worthit even if my food was gross. then a pic of my kuya trying to curl his lashes with a little purple (oh sorry kuya, i meant LAVENDER) eyelash curler. a picture of jesse after he got his first paint job. he's parked next to my mailbox. a pic of me n pooh in red. then a group of me, pooh, BITCH and kuya after new years. then a big heart thing with my name on it that my big sis made for me. then a magnetic board from my cousin. theres a pic of me n mark at formals. a pic of me n pooh 3 christmases ago when i gave him gran turismo. austin powers asking if he makes me horny. a sister poem. pikachu stickers. and pooh stickers that i got from one of those deaf people that leave stickers/pens/pins at your table in the mall. then i have a picture of the BROs in our poses inside a magnetic frame i got when we went to disneyland one year.

my room is my haven. my past is my comfort zone. my future undecided. my present...... yet to be deciphered.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 4:50 PM

i shall rip out my insides. and start fresh. its been done before. and i have no problem doing it. just one of those changes that are a necessary part of my life to maintain balance. maybe if i dont think about it so much, then none of it will bother me at all. hmph. but its gonna be a long entry. trying to release all that baggage. man. you ready for that? i dont think you are. but here goes.... let the forgetting BEGIN!!!

Joseph taught me that saying "i love you" meant nothing unless you meant it. he was the ideal first boyfriend. taught me the no-nos. taught me that nothing is forever. taught me that guys that are full of sweetness are most likely full of shit. but we were each other's first relationships. so in the end, it didnt matter. libra-libra. there was only so much attention that the both of us could share between us. the balance was fucked. and we both felt it. libra-libra. no balance = no good.

then had a fling. and along came erik. the older guy. the guy that drove miles and miles just to see me for 10 minutes at the library. the guy that could only keep my attention for 3 months. and whose attention i could only maintain for 3 months. i was his first SANE girlfriend. but i guess the lack of contact, and communication in the end drove him into the arms of another girl. that was the second time i got played. second fake heart that was broken. and sealed my fate giving away glass hearts. libra-cancer. a match made in hell. but felt like heaven for a while.

had a fling. then met Jeff. had a million other girlfriends at the time. but i didnt mind. at the time it was one of those typical relationships. another victory to add to my growing list of failed relationships. at least i didnt say "i love you." after erik, i learned not to say it. and after a while, i was SO over just being ONE of the girls. suffice to say, it was a big mistake.

then there was ron. then ronnie. then an endless stream of callers that ended up nowhere. ended up with erik again. big mistake. 3rd monthaversary i confronted him about his new gf. fawking A. i dont understand. then greg. then a dry spell. then greg again. and mark p.

then genaro came along. libra-cancer. drama at first. but go figure... IM JUST DRAMA ANYWAY. but he didnt give up on me. and we ended up together. for two years. and it just came to the point where all we did was argue. fight. make up. fight. make up. and in between, we'd just hang out. he'd get pissed about all the guys i talked to. i got pissed cuz he had no reason to be pissed. an endless cycle of fighting because of stupid reasons. yeah, i can admit that i did a lot to tick him off. i should have understood and taken into consideration how he must have felt when i stayed up at all hours of the night talking to some random guy that i just met. or talking to some guy from my past. or hanging out at some guy's pad. just to hang out. paranoia can get you bad. he saw me as some weak little girl unable to ward off the evils of all men. and he saw himself as my savior from them all. and i admit... i played it out as far as i could. if he couldnt understand that i was not his possession, then he would just have to deal with what i did. so yes i flirted. yes i made guys like me. on purpose. he wouldnt get over his paranoia, so i played on it. i figured... if he's gonna think that something is going on, then something might as well be going on anyway! ofcourse i never did anything. the worst of it was harmless flirting. but in the end i couldnt take it anymore. couldnt take being accused of doing shit that i wasnt doing. being yelled at. pretty much being restrained to do what i wanted. i was over it. i was starting college, and that shit was unacceptable. so we broke up. 2 weeks after his birthday. i gave him the boot.

and then came nemo. libra-leo. the best match when it comes to affairs of the heart. and he was a great boyfriend. the romantic. made me feel like the queen of the fucking world. i was the center of his world. but he wasnt the center of mine. im thinking that if i didnt meet him so soon after the breakup, then it would have made things a lot easier. cuz i was still in love with genaro. it took a green nipple to make me realize it, but i did. poor nemo. told him the bad news right when he told me he loved me.

so me and genaro got back together. libra-cancer. he learned not to be so paranoid. learned that he couldnt control the flow of men in and out of my life. and when he got over it, i stopped. he trusted me. it was great. cuz i could have my friends again. and it went on for a good year. until the fights started again. until everything became routine. suddenly, we didnt do things because we liked them... we did things because it was what couples do. we did things because we became so secluded from everyone else that we only had each other. and clinged so desperately to it, because losing each other would mean losing our lives. didnt matter that we didnt love each other in that way anymore. what mattered was that we built our lives together. and breaking up would mean tearing it down. i fought to tear it down. he fought to keep it there. another endless cycle of fighting and making up. eventually he let go of trying to maintain our foundation. im not sure what it was, but the night that we broke up, he finally let go. didnt argue with me to stay together. and we were finally on the same level. that we are great as friends because we know each other so well. no one knows me like he does, and no one knows him like i do. no more pressure on him to attend my events. no more pressure on me to restrict my friendships.

had a fling. a few, actually. and now im with mark. libra-pisces. everything is different with him. i dont know how to act. dont know what to say. dont know how to maintain my balance. ups and downs. drama and bliss. ive been there, done that, and still im confused. i can be myself, yet i cant. i can have my friends, yet i cant. we both agreed to talk about everything, yet we dont until one of us hits the brink of insanity. its all the good and the bad condensed into a can. theres too much up in the air. too many bases untouched. just too much. ugh. i just dont know how to deal.

so ive decided. to detach. good bye baggage. i should have done this the day after formals. i told myself i would become a typpie. completely lose my content and be the bubbly little materialistic fuck that i never wanted to be. but go figure. i still have 2 years until graduate school. thats 2 long years of one night stands, parties, and fucking up my reputation. are you ready for me world?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:42 PM