extended VROOM: 08/01/2002

Saturday, August 31, 2002

Never thought that we would ever be more than friends
Now I'm all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings
We both thought it was cool to cross the line
And I was convinced it would be alright
Now things are strange, nothings the same
And really I just want my friend back

And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (yeah)

I'd hate walk away from you as if this never existed
Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different
Lately I gotta watch what I say
Cause you take things personally nowadays
You used to laugh now you get mad
Damn I just want my friend back

And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on

oh oh oh oh oh yeah
What happened to the one I used to know (oh yeah yeah)
The one I used to laugh and joke with
The one I used to tell all my secrets
We used to chill and be down for whatever whenever together yeah

And my mind's gone half crazy (oh) cause I can't leave you alone (I'm going half crazy baby)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me (oh) holding on (over you)
Said my mind's gone half crazy (yeah) cause I can't leave you alone (and I just don't know)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (said I just don't know what to do now)
we used to chill (yeah) we used to hang
we used to do we used to do some many things together (yeah)

----well i was. but what's hiding in the shadows always reveal a little light.

Friday, August 30, 2002

I can't remember the time or place, (on the phone. 6.26/27.02)
or what you were wearing, (pajamas)
it's unclear about how we met, (parkway plaza. and emil)
all I know it was the best conversation that I've ever had, (yeah me too)
to this day I never found someone,
with eyes as wide as yours, (me neither)
I've been searching up and down this coast, (yeah. we HAVE hit up all the beaches in SD)
overlooking what I need the most (which is YOU!)

did you notice I was afraid? (no, i thought you were just another snobby filipino)
I thought I'd run out of things to say, (but we havent yet!)
two more hours until today burns this away, (but we're nocturnal so it's okay)
and it starts all over again,
the sky will never look the same again,
till you show me how it could be,
the sky will never look the same again,
till you show me how it could be

and everything else is irrelevant,
to the story so far,
a coincidence that you look like her from a far,
is it true that you like to sleep alone? (no, i need my PILLOW!)
Or is it fun to just tell everyone? (oh yeah. sorry about that)

Did you notice that I was afraid?
I thought I'd run out of things to say
two more hours until today burns this away,
and it starts all over again
the sky will never look the same again,
till you show me how it could be
the sky will never look the same again
till you show me how it could be

and when the world turns over
ill keep my ears to the wall
and when the world turns over
ill keep my feet straight on the ground

did u notice I was afraid?
I thought I'd run out of things to say,
two more hours until today burns this away,
and it starts all over again,
the sky will never look the same again
till you show me how it could be
the sky will never look the same again
till you show me how it could be

Monday, August 26, 2002

before you jump down my throat
i'd like to present you with
something i call personality
word travels fast when you're on the road
i'd like to think what i have is real

sort this out on your own time
you ought to sort this out on your own time

before you jump to conclusions
about all the friends i have
just remember they were born that way
word travels fast when her name's involved
i'd like to think what i have is real

sort this out on your own time
go on and sort this out on your own time

no matter how happy you are
you'll always want more
no matter how stupid i get
you'll always want more

"now come back to bed so we can make a burrito"

my little reminder to me. and to any of you stalkers out there.

SOC 335 9:30-10:45 FS-104
PSY 340 11:00-12:15 CG-333
BIO 336 12:30-1:45 NE-060
PSY 351 2:00-3:15 CG-333
PSY 350 4:00-6:40 COM-207

now you know where to find me every T/th. MWFSSu, find me at work

i know this is a little late... but imma post it anyway...

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Friday, August 23, 2002

we're SO CHEESY! so again i must alleviate my inbox::

8.21.02 @ 7:06am Wow! i woke up n the 1st person i thought about was u. goshtheres sumthin about u that sets u apart from every1 eles that i know.
8.19.02 @ 5:46pm "if i tried consciously to create a shooting star will it happen?"
8.19.02 @ 3:24 pm wow! youve made this summer so unforgettable... hopefully it continues down the right path...
8.18.02 @ 2:14am why dnt we, why dnt we, why dnt we...

Monday, August 19, 2002

despite the WONDERFUL morning i had... the day pretty much SUCKED. got a rude awakening by my mom yelling at me to get my ass up out of bed to take care of my school shit. she continued by yelling about my lack of presence at the house. that, and coming home way too early in the morning on a daily basis. so i dragged my ass out of bed. took a shower. changed into fat-girl clothes (i've been drowning sorrows in food and alcohol) and went on my way. no coffee. no red bull. just feeding off of the great morning i had with brian. got to school and hit up the cashiers office. they told me that i HAVE to enroll this semester. that my tuition was due upfront. and that i have NO student loan. they then proceeded to give me directions to the financial aid office. slothed up the stairs. to get bitched at by some senile old lady about not having a loan. i was irritated. lacked rest. so i argued with her. in the end she won. told me that i have to reapply for a loan. and it's not even fucking GUARANTEED because my income went up. so im paying for school this semester. and i have no fucking say about it.

get to work. the weather SUCKED by the way. so only rude motherfuckin foreigners were in the mall. i hate foreigners. i cant stand the way they shoot me dirty looks because i dont understand what the fuck they're saying. POINT ASSHOLE! at least z90 played the hell out of dilemma. otherwise i wouldnt have gotten through the day. i had a red bull that had WAY too much sugar. after friday night, sugar is not my friend. NO MORE MALT BEVERAGES FOR MAR! the time dragged on and on and on. i dont think time has gone that slowly in a very long time. closing time finally rolled around and i hauled ass. 15 minutes after we close im in my car. just in time for a THREE-PEAT of dilemma while brian is on his way out to the gym. AH! so i decide to go home. and was greeted with more yelling. about my lack of responsibility in the house. my overwhelming credit card debt. and the fact that i may not have a future. AW. fuck me. i cried again. DAMNIT.

stress sucks. what ive gone through with this whole student loan thing has taken more of a physical toll on me than all of those sleepless nights out.

i need to move the fuck out. NOW.

my credit cards are all ripped up. ... it's a start.

and i havent seen brian in 16 hours. you dont understand how close i am to shooting myself.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

have to relieve my inbox again....
8.17.02 @ 6:07pm:: oh by the way, I MISS U! this cuz we were both busy w/ customers at work and couldnt call.
8.16.02 @ 5:07am:: anyone would be lucky to hang out w/u. your so SWEET! after he dropped me off after another late night out.
8.17.02 @ 8:45pm:: i think its nap time. dont u think? but im missin my blanket we were both tired. im his blanket. he's my pillow. it works out.
8.15.02 @ 9:13pm:: its been 21 hrs since i last saw ur smile we started keepin track of how long its been since we last saw each other. ah! we're so clingy! but its GREAT!
8.17.02 @ 10:49am:: morning sweetie. feelin better always lookin out. i love it.
8.15.02 @ 1:25pm:: no problem. jus seeing u smile everytime we're together is all the thanks i need i thanked him for being so awesome.
8.18.02 @ 12:06am:: whoa! it jus hit me. i havent been this happy in a while. n i havent been this eager to hear some1 eleses voice before. ur cool! and the feeling is mutual

ah! im so sprung. so happy. ive never had anyone like him. .... and im lovin every moment. drama? what's that?

Friday, August 16, 2002

we went porn shopping last night. i decided to be a good dickless-bro to Bakla-G this year since i didnt get him jack shit for his birthday last year. so i called him up... asked who his favorite porn star was... and the rest is kinda history. bri swooped me up and we went on a search for films by sylvia saint. needless to say, it was one hell of an adventure. we coulndt find any, but at least we tried. we felt all dirty afterwards. GROSS. but it was.... interesting.

had a three-peat too. YEAAHHH! got krispy kreme and chocolate milk. headed to sunset cliffs. then crown point. cruised old town. then headed home. it really didnt seem like that long. time flies when we're together.

ah. and there's yet to be a label. indue time. i think he's just waiting it out. for the right time. its okay. what we have right now is perfect. we dont need no stinkin label all we need is each other.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

why are people so hung up on images? why not just be true to who you are and do what you like? why try so hard to be someone that you're not, and then try so hard to hide who you really are? a lot can be said about a person who dresses in what they like and not by the standards set by everyone else. a person who acts how they want because of how they were taught.

it just bothers me how people (especially my generation) can allow themselves to yeild to the standards set by society. who cheat themselves of their own personality in order to achieve some sort of epitome of style. or to uphold some sort of image. trying too hard to be something they're not, when in reality, the person that they are is something that could be so much greater.

artificiality in style and attitude is very apparent. if you try too hard to portray an image of yourself that is not yourself, it shows. in fact, it SCREAMS.

what you do should be for the betterment of yourself, or the betterment of someone's state. but if that "improvement" makes you unhappy, or if the task is too grueling for you... and you're just doing it to uphold some image, then what's the point? why do it if it's not gonna make you happy? just so you can look like you're intelligent? or cool? or sophisticated?

its not so bad to be mediocre. if you seek improvement, then it should be genuine. it should be something you enjoy. because if you're gonna be unhappy with the changes you've made, then it's pointless to try so hard for someone else. and just for the acceptance of someone else for that matter.

as cliche as it sounds... it's only true. friends that cant accept you for who you are aren't real friends. and it goes both ways. you're not a friend if you're not true to who you are around your friends.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

this is just a draft... of what happened this weekend. loved every minute of it. these are pinpoints of reminders. so much happened. AW! i wish i could bottle that whole weekend up and save it in a can. eeeeeeee! eeeeeeeee!

friday night::: got swooped up around 11ish. eastlake lake. white duck crossed road. is that a duck? NO ITS A SKUNK! j-street marina. got booooted. coronado. hotel del. NO! i dont wanna go up the stairs! .... is that a shell? NO! it's smearing! poop poop! running through the ripples. trying to find the bonfire. first long walk on the beach. chocolate/vanilla yan yan. seaport village. *squish* WHOA he almost fell! tried to get to the top of the hyatt but couldnt. classic coke bottle. early edition of the newspaper. arrived 5ish. forgot phone.

5 hours later, i was back in mira mesa. swooped up bri. ihop. coffee. barnes and nobles. parkway. indoor or outdoor? its hot. parkway? WHOA! told emil that i didnt have a gf. ikea with jan's fam. why are there so many people in our house? hide and seek in the closets. little italy. sunset on the condo patio overlooking downtown. took a LONG walk around downtown to the train station. back to cafe italia. jollibee. hill overlooking paradise hills. stargazing. saw my first shooting star. made a wish... BTW it came true. chairs in the trunk. mt. soledad for meteor shower. heavy fog. jamacha rd. along the street. black cop in short shorts. bit foggy. whitestone saw some stars but no meteors. mission beach. couple in the blanket. BOOMBA! free show! watched for like an hour. black gay couple. drunk white people. backroads to the cove. SEALS ARE BACK! chilled a while. cuddled a while. and first kiss. WOO! couldnt walk. (he swept me off my feet!) haha. no... my leg fell asleep. back to bri's pad. sun was comin up. hugged a while. went home. 6ish

sunday. both of us worked. brought bri his coffee. chilled a bit. DEAD BODY at FASHION!!! chilled w/ jan for the most part. swooped up bri after work. went to horton to drop off jan w/ jason. almost got into an accident (that bitch). TAILDATERS! sinbads. head back to jans. played "have you ever." fun fun fun. after a while, jan and jason LEFT US ALONE! that was unexpected. so we were alone. on the couch bed. dilemma played twice. random fazhas. we slept together. cuddling with him just feels right. we didnt have to pretend that night. cuz it actually happened. rolled out 730ish.

monday. brought him his SCOOBY at work. then blockbuster night at jans. halfway through lord of the rings. fell asleep. snored twice! we actually slept. rolled out 3ish. tag in the parking lot. got home 4ish.

man.... what a great weekend.

i need to clean out my inbox. and the only way i can relieve it is by aleviating some of the traffic all up in hea. i dont have a very large inbox. can only hold 20 messages. so anyway... here's some text message diarrhea.

in a text message dated 08.04.02 at 10:44pm from +185872235** message says:: jus wanted to say HI =) **this was sent while he was sittin right next to me while we were waitin for SIGNS to start
in a text message dated 07.29.02 at 9:39pm from +185872235** message says:: let me see u SMILE =) **sent when he knew i wasnt feeling so good
in a text message dated 08.01.02 at 1:06am from +185872235** message says:: im lyin alone with my head on the phone thinking of you til it hurts. i know you hurt too but what else can we do tormented and torn apart. I wish i could ** i finished the rest. guess that tune is always fun via text msg.
in a text message dated 08.05.02 at 4:37am from +185872235** message says:: o.. how bout i jus hold u a little tighter **cheese competition gets a little heated.
in a text message dated 08.01.02 at 9:19pm from +185872235** message says:: ...i picture that i can read ur mind. telling u everything thats goin through... **someone to love you
in a text message dated 08.02.02 at 12:52pm from +185872235** message says:: ...u know we go together like day n night... **cuz he's nocturnal and im a morning person
in a text message dated 07.3102 at 12:31pm from +185872235** message says:: yeah u do! n u sound so cute..ahhh **cuz i always sing my part cuz he plays his position like a shortstop
in a text message dated 08.04.02 at 2:05pm from +185872235** message says:: ...i cant remember the time or place, or wat u were wearin. its so unclear how we met, all i know it was the best conversation that ive ever had... **new found glory
in a text message dated 08.07.02 at 3:33am from +185872235** message reads:: another night passes and the last voice i hear is yours...thanks **remember when i said how i love it when someone is the first person i talk to in the morning and the last voice i hear? i dont ever remember telling him that. but somehow it always happens that way.
in a text message dated 08.08.02 at 4:53pm from +185872235** message reads:: ahh! im hearing a voice in my head...oh its just yours... **we have these weird dreams that we wake up from and we think that we're still on the phone. hmm... i dont know.
in a text message dated 08.13.02 at 5:04am from +185872235** message reads:: its just not the same w/o you laying here next to me **left jan's early cuz i had work at 830am. neither of us could sleep not holding each other. it just feels right being in his arms.
in a text message dated 08.08.02 at 12:54am from +185872235** message reads:: WOW! u always make everything we do together so fun! have a good night sleep n we'll continue the adventure 2morrow... **that's what it's been... one big adventure
in a text message dated 08.08.02 at 1:25am from +185872235** message reads:: ...maybe i can open up ur heart.. see ive been waiting all my life for someone jus like u.. and i know, youve been waiting to.. **i saw the video once and told him that i really liked it. i told him that ONCE. and he remembered.
in a text message dated 08.07.02 at 12:089pm from +185872235** message reads:: then can i be that "one" to call u.. cheese ball **no one called me that day to hang out. that was his way of hinting that he wanted to hang out. TIMMYYYYY!!!
in a text message dated 08.13.02 at 7:50pm from +185872235** message reads:: MISS U! can u SMILE for me! **we just got off the phone. and a nanosecond later, i get this text.

hmm... thought i had a lot more. someone gon n dun erased my inbox. damnit.

Saturday, August 03, 2002

i should call him.

but me of little faith. me of zero balls.

saw ronnie, little mike, and james today. hmm. mark didnt tell them yet. they asked if everything was okay. i replied politely with the usual post-break-up shpiel. if he wishes to tell our friends what happened, then so be it. but they're not getting it out of me. breakups tend to be touchy subjects when its between friends. wouldnt want it to be any wierder.

p.s. THANK YOU RONNIE FOR MY SWINGERS!

but anyhow, i do wanna talk to mark. wanna get things out in the open. i think i was a bit too emotional at the time. a bit rash. i really want to get everything straightened out. i really dont want him out of my life. dont want to lose a good friend.

UGHHHH!!!! i dont understand why im being like this! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!??? i feel like a frickin madman. this NEVER happens. ACK!. i wanna choke myself. maybe the lack of oxygen will kick start the ice-queen mode again.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Pisces
Two imperfect people make one perfect couple. When you're both happy now, who cares about your separate pasts? You may start off by finding refuge in each other, but a healthy romance is about moving beyond that and growing together.

Libra
Your lives were on very different paths before they crossed. Somehow you found each other. Looking back on the odds of it happening, you appreciate the miracle all over again. You owe it to yourselves to make this relationship work.

sometimes...

i just wish that this was up a few days ago. oh well. single life isnt so bad. actually... its usually pretty good to me

august playlist

dilemma:: nelly and kelly
all out of love:: jagged edge
can you help me:: usher
someone to love:: ruff ends
day and night:: isyss f/ jadakiss
anything:: jaheim
nothing in this world:: kiki wiley f/ avant
caught in the sun ::course of nature
why do we fall in love:: amerie
hey love:: mob deep f/ 112
grindin:: clips f/ NERD
down 4 u:: murder inc
my neck, my back:: khia
my friends over you:: new found glory
keep fishing:: weezer
sweetness:: jimmy eat world
running away:: hoobastank
all out of love:: air supply

extended VROOM