i had this whole long post yesterday that geoSHITIES failed to save. fuckers. whatever. so right now, i dont even feel like wasting time and a post not being sent. blogger isnt publishing my posts either. what is it with these servers.
but in short. i've been MIA in every aspect of my life as of late. as if you havent noticed. so my professors wonder where i am. so do my parents. and my sisters. i think i was seriously weird-vibing during formals. as excited as my sisters were to see me... i feel like a horrible sister. bleh. horrible girlfriend. horrible daughter. i missed my dad's bday yesterday to work and study. story of my fucking life.
holy crap its almost MAY! geez. where did all the time go? bah. and i cant believe i havent written in this thing for that long. but then again... there was that one summer... and that one winter. my computer ubersucks. so technology isnt exactly my friend. whatever.
i feel so out of the loop. i think my sisters have pretty much lost all faith in me. because im never around. and the only times they hear from me is once in a blue moon. i feel bad, but i really do have a lot of shit to get done before i can go and take on more responsibilities. sucks for me to say that, because they really have been supportive of all of my decisions. but i seriously need to get my shit straight. (okay. vegas was kinda.. yeah. but oh well) im a horrible sister. but ill make it up to them somehow.
work supersucks. my boss has been getting on my ass about stupid shit. like DOING MY FUCKING JOB. i got yelled at the other day for doing exactly what she told me to. then got yelled at again for helping customers. then got yelled at again for not helping a customer that clearly wanted to be left alone. then got yelled at for being on a lunch break at the scheduled break time. what a bitch. i should start yelling at her dumb ass. but i cant.... because she never actually does her job.... and to her... in order to justify yelling, somebody actually has to be doing what they're supposed to be doing. what a fucking CRACKHEAD. and i mean that literally. she really is a druggie. i see her poppin pills. i see how she jumps and wipes her nose when i unexpectedly enter the office. fucking crackhead.
3 weeks of school left. hell yes. im in need for a much needed vacation. away from the stress. away from the guilt of having fun when i should be studying. just some good ol fun with no worries of having to get up on time to get my labs done or get some studying in. no more stress about making it to class or going to work. ill actually have REAL DAYS OFF. instead of "days off for school." its about fucking time. no more of this shit. next semester, ill take my 21 units, 45 hours, and be done with it. semester after that, 18 units, 40 hours, and GRADUATION!!!!! im excited. one year left. oh shit. FUCK! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i just remembered... i have to do research next semester. meaning... fuck. same dilemma as this semester. research requires about 10-20 hours per week. 45 hours of work per week. then 42 hours of class per week. that only leaves 61 hours in the week. for sleep. for eating. for driving. for hygiene. okay. well this sucks. fuck me. im screwed.
and on that note... i must return to my stats lab. damnit. i have a feeling you'll be hearing a lot from me today. shit shit shit shit shit.
a little late but... i still need to keep a record. never know when im gonna get amnesia. =P
VEGAS. loved it n hated it. it was fun. but the clubs were too packed. NONE of the starbucks could take my order correctly or make it right. drinks are expensive as hell. traffic sucks ass. tourists and locals cant drive for shit alike. a majority of the people that live there and are visiting are UGLY (in comparison to the bombshells & hotties walkin around SD). and there's too much porn floatin around. what the hell is up with those mexicans on the street passing out porn flyers? isnt that considered pimpin? whatever. but that just bothered me. we have cel phone people, they have mexican pimps.
i couldnt live there. but it was fun as hell while we visited.
we had to do it balla style... rode up in an expedition. stayed at the pyramid suite in Luxor. okay... maybe not baller-baller... but you know most of our cheapie friends in san diego woulda ended up staying at a 2-star hotel with A BUNCH of people and borrowing their mommy's vans or something. SOMETHING. nevertheless, we rode up in style. the casino shops are wonderful. designer everything in every mall. gotta love it. couldnt afford it, but whatever. instead of the usual D&G or A/X or DKNY, they actually had a Dolce Gabbana. a GEORGIO armani. a Donna Karan. high end shit for high rollers. it was an experience. but anyway... we partied it up saturday night. the clubs are WAY too packed there. even with lines out the door around the corner... i still dont know how we got in. holy shit. the dancing space was like a millimeter around. it was a big club. there was just too many people in it. and the DJ sucked. i like SD djs (for the most part... hearin em spin for a night is coo.... but anymore than that just sounds like a mix CD)
but anyway... glad to be home. we were close to bein tapped out anyway. (bein that i didnt pay for jack shit)
but you dont care. and i dont care whether you care. this is just for the record. and you being here is completely optional.
4 weeks til freedom. cant hardly wait.
vegas was great. maybe you'll get stories later. but i had the time of my life. but im damn glad to be home.
we fell in love all over again. im still in shock over how much fun we have together. ive never had anything like this before. and i thought ive loved a few. but no one's ever made me feel the way that you do... hey brian paul look what you do... oh I LOVE YOU.... [[unwrittenlaw]] i could go on and on about how we dont fight. and how we're so good together. but i wont. i think you've just about had enough of us.
i have a lot of catching up to do at school. so forgive me if i dont have much time for you. just remember... 4 more weeks of this shit and im outta here. meaning you'll probably hear a lot less from me. cuz summer time... no computer. just feel free to call my cel. anyway... its about damn time we're on a real vacation.
i love it when that happens... john rings me up for my FREE coffee then passes my cup to samath. cuz john always hooks me up. and samath knows how to make my coffee PERFECT (no one can blend my G-3-N-WC/XCRM-WM like he can). and the few minutes that im there, i'm kept entertained with good conversation.
well anyway... ive already WASTED 24 minutes on this damn computer that i could have used studying stats. or doing my lab. peace sucka. enjoy the rest of your community college spring break.
04.10.03.addicted.much?
so this posting addiction... seriously starting to be a problem. i hypothesize that since i am unable to satisfy your daily needs, i need to compensate for it by over posting on days that i do have access to internet. therefore, this journal is no longer for me, that it is for you. and according to freud, now that im fully aware of it, i can start on exercise that will null this action and i will be cured.
a whole day of psych classes really gets to you after a while. p.s. i got an 80 out of 90 on my abnormal psych exam. be very proud of me. but also got a 61 out of 98 on my I&CD psych exam. so that's something not very good. but eh. i should be able to pass. remind me to email my neuro psych prof so he can bring my exam on tuesday. and remind me to contact a sister to borrow a stats book for my stats exam on thursday. and remind me to let my boss know that i need to leave an hour early on thursday so i can be on time for my exam. and remind me to have that packing list for vegas.
we were engaged in an eating disorder discussion in my abnormal psych class. wow. if you've ever walked the sdsu campus during the day, ... WOW. hella people with eating disorders. not very surprising. the sdsu population is gorgeous. but anyhow, brought to light a lot of shit. remembering my little eating disorder back in high school. and the one in my freshman year of college. shit. that cant be good. no wonder i cant donate blood.
crap. i should be in spanish. hahah. how u figger that my longest class also presents the least information. i think that's the reason that i do so horribly. because im bored in that class. it moves too slow.
hey. BTW, remember those classes back in elementary school.... when there were two grades in one class? (e.g. fourth and fifth graders being taught by the same teacher) i finally figured it out (i was bored so my mind began to drift). they used to call them "cluster" classes. i remember being in them in second and third grade. apparently, it's for the gifted younger class and stupider older class. they're presented the same material so that the younger kids that are smart arent bored, and the stupider kids dont get too confused. makes sense now why there were so many older kids in my classes.
damn. i was a smart child. what the fuck happened?
i didnt shoot myself, BTW. if ya didnt notice. cuz if i did, id be late for class. which i am right now. so i should probably stop typing. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. no discipline i tell yah. nada. zilch. wala.
04.10.03.blah.blah.blah.
disregard the previous entry. i think i was just a wee bit self absorbed in order to avoid thinking about more important, pressing matters. i have a 5 page paper to do tonight. along with a lab report that i have no clue on where to begin. and have to retype and comment/critique on 5 articles. all must be turned in tomorrow by noon. fuck me. i have work at 7am. tonight will probably be a blockbuster night so me n my love can be together at the stroke of midnight. and i have 2 pending loads of laundry. needs to be done before saturday morning by 5 am when we leave for vegas. tomorrow night, i was instructed to keep the evening and the last half of the afternoon free. my love is plannin something special.
blah. im such a LOSER. i had all day yesterday to finish all this shit. but for some reason, the BEACH was more of a priority and sunglass shopping. hmmm. in retrospect, it was a well deserved break, but still... i shoulda been more productive. getting 2 shades tanner isnt exactly gonna get me to where i need to be. sheesh. i think i need another year in ROTC to get my discipline back. but let's not go there.
i found out that my elementary school going thru middle school best friend is now married and has a baby. i was invited to the christening, but not the wedding. how sad. she didnt even tell me she was getting married. i knew about the relationship... she frequently told me that he was "the one" but then again... it was a high school relationship. poor thing. he's in the navy.
this morning i caught up with an old friend from high school. he's graduating next spring with honors. this from a guy who put forth so much effort to compete with me (with no avail) in high school. and now he successfully beat me in college.
that's so sad. people around me seem to be growing up. but ive been focusing too much on the people that havent been able to get out of the high school mind set that it left me behind the peers that i should have been keeping up with. meaning that ive become that same loser that ive always criticized. what a disappointment. im still at state. with no future. no career ahead of me. living in my parents house. albeit that there are many others around me that are even more pathetic, but ive completely lost sight of those who have slowly exceeded me. how sad. im gonna go kill myself now. what a disappointment.
i remember when i used to buy books on a regular basis. i think the reading obsession started when i was 3 years old. my brother had started reading already, and i was jealous because my mother spent a majority of her time reading to him and teaching him how to sound out the words. i had nothing better to do (because ive never been a very active person, so playing outside wasnt one of my favorite things to do) so i sat around and listened in as my mom taught my older brother. i always got a kick at going to the dentist because i knew that everytime we went to the dentist, we also got to eat at the JolliBee or McDonalds down the street. and since my brother always had a lot of problems with his teeth, my mom and i would spend most of the day in the waiting room. and what was in the waiting room? COMICS AND MAGAZINES! i loved Ziggy. he made me laugh. and he kept me occupied while i waited for my brother to get his mouth fixed.
first grade started and i was in the third grade reading class. i think that's the reason why i spent less than a year in ESL (english as a second language... for yalls that didnt know that im a FOB). because i enjoyed reading so much that i learned the language through books instead of in the classroom. at that age, i had an obsession with golden books and the berenstein bears. i had a massive collection. i filled two shelves with golden spines and berenstein bear titles. as i grew older, i began to love the monthly pamphlets printed on recycled paper that you order books from. the books were moderately priced from $2.95-$5.95. so i would always get 2 or 3. i always anticipated new books from the Goosebumps series, and anything written by R.L. Stein was immediately ordered. book fairs were a must, and i usually bought a few books to hold me over for a month or two.
in elementary, my parents worried about me. on weekends i would lock myself in my room and cuddle with a book, only to emerge when i got yelled at for not eating all day. i devoured book after book after book, some weekends finishing 600 pages of reading. (mind you, this was BEFORE high school)
then high school came. and with it the social stigmas of being able to cut corners and not read. having to be places and do things that you didnt need to do. i stopped reading because i was forced to read. looking back, i remember having cliff notes to every literary piece that was required for class. and where are all those books now? i gave them away. what a stupid mistake. because now that i appreciate them again, they're not in my possession.
in college i started the habit of reading again. dropping into the book store to see if there was some fiction that would stimulate my mind. my new obsession with online journals satisfied my cravings for the most part. but what i couldnt get out of journals, i had to get out of books. i think the class that i enjoyed most was RWS 200. because there was so much reading and my professor was so enthusiastic about what was written.
i dont know what happened to my reading ability. maybe it was just the lack of time. but i barely finished 800 pages in the past 2 weeks. that's sad. really sad.
and iknow you really did not want to read any of that. and i applaud you for your patience. but unfortunately, if you hadnt noticed yet, when you read this, you're not dealing with a very interesting person. i think you're just reading this to kill time. but eh. whatever.
maybe its time for you to look at your history and write a little summary. might be fun. if anything, it will take you back. and maybe you'll go off on a tangent... or many tangents... and be able to get to know yourself better.
wow. did i really leave ya hangin for that long? whoops. my bad. but spring break was not exactly what i would call a break. i think the closest thing i did that was close to what a spring break would be was sunday at the beach with Khris. but that doesnt really count, now does it? i woulda skipped class anyway. =P whatever. ive been reading. and working. and trying to catch up on my assignments. i have 250 pages left in Freud's biography. my paper is due on thursday morning. hopefully ill be finished by then. but i guess tomorrow's little field trip up to santa monica is cancelled. we were supposed to go have lunch with jerry at the Block at Orange (jerry being the ex-manager of the fashion valley athletes foot and my former semi-employer) then head up to santa monica to hang out at the pier and the 3rd ave promenade. (p.s. we have a SoCal AE flagship store! currently being run by the ambigiously homo Craig... he's a good guy. but he really needs to get that stick up his ass surgically removed. but then again... he is gay. no nm.) but the beach last sunday with khris was fun. we got to chase bri on the sand bar and lead him to his collapse into the deeper water. haha. that was like a scene straight outta Gidget. oh yeah. my hamsters had babies. so if you would like to take the little suckers outta my hands, please let me know. they have fur already. but i dont think they'll be able to leave their mommy's nipples for another month or two. ample time for you to scoot over to the pet supply store and buy a cage, a hamster wheel, and food.
anyway... enough of that. i have some reading to finish. ill be at starbucks if you need me.
04.02.03.guestbook
k. next time i post, i check my guestbook beforehand. BLEH. in order to avoid inconvenient excessive posting. next time, i would like to compose all thoughts onto one, comprehensive post for the day.
i really did need this reading (Freud's biography) to stimulate my brain. i was just getting stress from my classes. leisurely informative reading is what i really need to get my juices flowin again.
but anyway.. back to the real reason i came back to posting... HI BIG BRO!!! yeah you really were MIA. but i was also at fault. shoulda been the good lil sis and called up her big bro. but i know you were going through a lot and didnt really want to disturb you. i was earshot of a few reggie comments here and there, but never bothered to listen because i would have rather heard the truth from you. congratulations on your one year anniversary, BTW. meaning that you've been my big bro for a year too! YEY busy family! well in case you havent heard, like many others havent, i lost another lil sis. making it THREE!!! must be a world record. i should really look that up. im glad your blog is back up and kickin. glad to know that you're still alive n kickin as well. was gettin a little worried there. me and bri took a drive thru san marcos the other day. thought of you and wondered how you were. when really i shoulda dialed your number and asked you myself. =T sorry. but anyway... hello again. hope those 23 units dont kill you. im only 6 behind yah with 17. but go figger... im workin 45 hours per week. =T
and ERIK... you tard. the shirt was BLUE. there was never any hint of gray in that shirt. the background was white. and the plaid/stripe/woven motif was blue and a weeeee bit of brown woven in. and the color code on the tag was for a BLUE shirt! so i win. damnit. and ya shoulda called me when you were high. =P ive been getting random calls from private numbers lately. each time i pick it up, it's always someone calling asking for someone else. go figger. weird shit. i swear people are just calling to waste my minutes or something. but i have minutes to waste. so whutevuh. oh yeah. sorry. no road trip up the bay during spring break. (in case you havent noticed). we're goin to sin city instead. yippeee!!! i can have alcohol in PUBLIC! and it's nice... cuz my drinking habits have been sporatic as of late, so my tolerance is at an all time low. imma be a cheap date. when's you're break? huh? text me.
last year i found myself paying for EVERYTHING. paying for dates. paying for bills (in the house, as well as my credit cards). i had everything in check. i dont know what could have happened in the past year. but i guess my spending habits have finally caught up to me. i find myself immersed in credit card debt. with creditors getting on my ass about making timely payments.. of which i only pay the minimum amount due.
and then there's vegas. Brian has turned the impossible, possible. 8 months ago, i was paying for everything. supporting his spending habits as well as mine. now i find that the tables have turned. not only is he supporting me emotionally, keeping up my morale, and has been the source of stability in my life, he has also taken it upon himself to support me financially. he's paying for the entire vegas trip. our stay in the PYRAMID suite at Luxor, as well as dining, shopping, gambling, car rental, alcohol, and clubbing expenses. i feel like such a useless sack of shit. here he is, working his ass off, going to school full time, then afterwards still makes me dinner. i dont know how he does it. all i know is that i found someone amazing. and i intend to keep him. i just find it unfair to him that im not pulling my share of hard work. although working full time and going to school, my only contribution to this relationship is the occasional dinner, coffee, and movie. and academic help. i may have egged him to be where he is right now, (because when i met him, he was barely taking 2 classes and working less than 10 hours a week), but now that his status is elevated, i feel as if im nothing but a nuisance. an extra weight for him to carry in his already hectic life.
but maybe im just blowing things out of proportion. im poor right now, but i'm not gonna let this minor setback set me in the dumps. slowly but surely, i will get back on track. financially and academically. there are only 6 weeks of school left. and those 6 weeks will serve as the turning point of this semester.
