extended VROOM

DAAAAAMN! my boyfriend is HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!!! looks DAAAMN good in his little kenneth cole shirt n his tie. WOWEE WOWEE WOWEEE!

anyway, my clive backpack is at the SunDiego in UTC. fuck me. i want it so bad!

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:10 PM

if anyone cares, i would like a copy of Kurt Cobain's journal for christmas.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:29 PM

cheese time again! gotta unload cuz there's only space for ONE text msg in my inbox....

12.04.02 @ 8:31pm ::: i wish i had a camera right now, so that i could capture every move you make. cause damn! your HOT!
12.02.02 @ 10:07am ::: sorry for upsetting u earlier. i jus wanted to make sure u get out of the house. n i didnt want you to get side tracked. i wasnt upset. i just needed more sleep. he's always lookin out.
12.05.02 @ 3:50am ::: thanks again for everything n always being yourself. ur so special to me... K see u soon... *MUAH*
12.08.02 @ 1:19am ::: ...im not blaming u. cause your so good to me. i know. i know. family comes 1st, then school, then work, sorority, n then me. but im getting 2 clingy we were supposed to meet up at around 9:30 that night. but a sorority activity had me out til about 1:30am. he's so understanding.... he was already in my area waiting for me to get out. he ended up going home because it was getting late. but no drama.
12.07.02 @ 4:16am ::: THANK YOU SWEETIE. that took a lot of courage to say. n glad you did. he was glad cuz he felt it too! this was after i sent him lyrics from dilemma... the part that goes... "i love you. and i need you"
12.02.02 @ 8:42pm ::: i miss you too. i want to hug u, squeeze u, kiss u, n keep u forever n ever n ever... BANG! we're so clingy.
12.08.02 @ 3:18am ::: good night sweetie. n remember... ...I LOVE YOU TOO! this was after we said our first "i love you"s
12.07.02 @ 12:07am ::: its ok. i understand. im just thankful that we can still find time for each other. it jus shows how strong our relationship is i was apologizing for not having much time for him lately. we're both really busy people, but somehow we can each take time out of our busy lives everyday to spend some quality time together.
12.07.02 @ 12:24am ::: well here's a littl somethin... till i see u again... *MUAH*
12.07.02 @ 12:32am ::: thanks for being so caring, thoughtful, n understanding. n the list just goes on and on... sorry the CHEESE is jus gushing out right now
12.09.02 @ 9:11pm ::: yes my LOVE. oh no it has begun. shoot us now! i asked him to bring me some water to school and that's how he replied.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:09 PM

this is how i think mark sees me.... (courtesy of http://deadalready.blogspot.com)

you lay away in the broken streets of your broken spirits staring unintentionally at the gray, dead sky as the clouds that hide the sun pass by slowly. hours, probably, have gone by now, lying in that lethargic, careless stupor… it’s hard to say, since the hours all look the same now. and the wind blows hot air and dust onto your face, and your miserly eyes shed one cheap tear. people scamper by unconcerned and unaware that you’re anything more than a plastic bag, or a dead leaf floating through the air at the pull of the wind.. but who knows if they’re right or not, and who’s to say. it feels as if you’re falling down farther and farther from that dull changing image in your eyes… from the life and world you used to know and had so much faith in. perhaps it’s just vertigo spawned from the disillusionment of yourself.. like demons trying to find redemption through their own self-destructive habits. perhaps you truly are falling away from yourself, from your bleak existence, you don’t know because you don’t care to look at the cracked cement block gutter you’re lying on, and because you wouldn’t care if you were either, and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. you just lie and think about the sad, failed aim of your life and start to wonder how long it’s been since death has been an option to you. the thought neither disgusts nor pleases you, it’s just another black crack in the sidewalk beside you, as you sit in blue mourning, quietly whispering eulogies to yourself, of your dreams, of every fleeting pleasure that has eluded you, of every transient accomplishment, of every hit, of every miss: they’re all the same to you in the end… what can you celebrate when they’ve only brought you to this dismal point. the figures and numbers you’ve worked yourself up to be become more and more insignificant as your life crashes and grows with neon-orange flames of uninterrupted tragedy. the supermarket at the corner harbors the whines and cries of children naïve to the limitations of themselves and the unjust disappointments they’ll toss away as they toss their bodies off of that eighty-story building standing in the corporate district… and then there are the mothers, pushing the noisy creaking shopping carts through the aisles like the way they push lives of misery and suffering. their faces wear smiles painted on with make-up that barely hides the lament of their tired eyes and tired lives.. they’re all the same; we’re all the same, vaguely drawn sketches, torn between profit and loss.. your business suit will be tailored and you’ll be buried in it, next to your obsolete computer and office supplies, to make room for your son or daughter, sitting in your cubicle, doing his or her part to accelerate society towards a greater crash, a greater final scene of disease and apocalyptic battlegrounds and nuclear annihilation...

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:56 AM

YES! okay. i finally figured it out! i cant say those three little words because i still bear unresolved feelings for mark. YES. that's it. as much as i want to deny it. as much as i hate to admit to it. as much as i want to run away and hide and just bitch slap myself for still harboring these feelings. im not over it. i need to resolve it. which means i need to grow some balls and put some closure on it. meaning i actually have to make the effort to call him or contact him. UGH. damnit damnit damnit.

i kept thinking that i was hesitating to tell bri because i was scared of being rejected. then i started to rationalize that we're still young and that i couldnt possibly have these feelings for him yet. then i started trying to convince myself that i dont. i dont know. i was trying to generate as many possible cop-outs as possible cuz i knew in the back of my head that it was these unresolved issues with mark that kept the gates closed. damnit. im a psych major... i shoulda known that in the first place. and i shoulda recognized it, acted on it, so that everything would be nice and peachy.

so how exactly do i go about doing this? i think i need to do another self analysis to figure out what exactly it IS that im not over. so that when i talk to mark, i dont sound like a blithering idiot (which i inevitably will anyway). i dont want to analyze our relationship again. we did that ENTIRELY too much. but then again... i KNOW that that's what we need to do.

so first off, i need to figure out how i FEEL about mark. i need to figure out what it is that compels me to him. why do i still harbor feelings even tho i know that nothing could ever come out of our relationship? fuck it. it's love. there's no explainin it. damnit damnit damnit. that's what i was afraid of. ILYBINILWY!!! haha. no. that phrase is only for erik. (oh shit. shoot me. i just spelled phrase with an F. FRASE. what a fob)

okay. so tomorrow ill focus. on composing my thoughts. then i will act on it. yes. good plan. now i just have to execute.

YEY! sorry sweetie. ive got problems.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:50 AM

DOWN THE LINE (michael cho)

My ex is dating.

Yes, normally I am not supposed to give a shit. That was supposed to have been purged from my system when my boys took me to the strip club, got me piss drunk, and managed to find some equally drunk girl I could have a meaningless one night stand with. As opposed to all my meaningful one night stands with whom I maintain enriching friendships with, instead of trying to find cover when I run into them somewhere.

Anyway, back to my ex. Now the story with this one was that I fell in love, and then she in her cutely irrational way, broke my heart, handed me back the shattered pieces, and wanted to know if we could be friends. Now, my initial reaction should have been,

"Fuck no we can't be friends! Hello, you just broke my heart!"

Nope. I tried to be emotionally mature and such, and decided that yes, we should try being friends. Although I must admit, she kind of had to drag me kicking and screaming into it. Trust me, when your ex calls you at an ungodly hour from Amsterdam to talk about your friendship, you had better put forth a damn good effort to be friends.

So anyway, she recently told me she was dating again. And then it was with another ex of hers, and that she was glad that she could have someone there she could trust, depend on, etc¡¦ That felt good. What to say about that? Hmm¡¦

"At least Caesar got it in the back?"

I'm not one to talk though. I've been on dates since we broke up. Actually, I've been on four or so dates with one person, so it's not like I've been riding the bench either. Oh, it gets worse, the girl I'm seeing is still 20 and in college.

Wonder what it is that makes me feel this way though? I used to think it was because males were socially discouraged from handling their emotions so when they confront them, they cannot deal with them in a constructive way. Of course the other possibility is that I'm a big pussy. Maybe I have unresolved feelings.

Obviously I have unresolved feelings. I am one big unresolved feeling? Why? I think it's because I've only dumped one girl before, and she turned into a stalker. Not that I'm conceited enough to think any girl I dump will turn into a stalker, but there's always that chance. Besides, I was in love with this one.

Sigh¡¦

Okay. Well, enough wallowing in self-pity. I wonder what the 20 year old is doing tonight?



IT'S A LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE (cherry blossom)

It's kinda ironic that life would have it such that I'd fall in love at the wrong time and the wrong place. But then again, that's how the story goes right? That whole thing about "when you least expect it" just pops up. To damn bad it's not as simple as that.


I used to be the master of hiding emotions. I think I was even better than my guy friends, but then again, I learned from the best. Running around with four older brothers, shit, you learn to "suck it up" and never to cry. I loved protecting myself. In all of my relationships, I had control. It was always me. The guys may have thought they had the control but I knew better. I held the queen. Looking back at it all, I should have been coined "iron face." I thought that was love, and I'm sure it was just a different type of love. I could control it, and everything was set because I knew that was how it would and was going to be.

But now, wow, life threw me a freaking curve ball! Somewhere in the past year and a half since I've had a steady relationship, I took down all the walls. Those nice and neat compartments that held my emotions in tact, kind of like those really cool Tupperware things that my mom always saved dinner for me in, separating the rice from the meat from the greens. That Tupperware box, well a little kid must decided to make a mess out of it and threw away the top! Aside from the wack little analogy of it all, you get it.

I started to look within me, to see who I really was, and somewhere in all that I became less guarded (not to mention all my brothers moved away and out) of my emotions. But wait, no I'm still not quite a free loving hippie chick like people would love to think just cuz I'm from Berkeley.

I let someone in my walls. They actually kind of came in unannounced but thoroughly welcomed. Little did I know love could hurt so much. The things that hurt us emotionally scar the soul more than any physical pain could bring (well the shit from Seven might be a little extreme). I've found that loving someone and never telling them is one of the most painful things to put yourself through. It's a wicked form of self-torture. It's knowing that someone so close to you can still be so far away. This applies to both distance and to a person that's only two feet away.

I never thought that it'd be possible. That someone could know me, could understand me without judging me, and allow me to feel emotions so powerful that I felt helpless under them. They caused a stirring within my soul. Something so strong was felt, and I knew that it was love. I've tried to express myself in words on paper, but every time I realize that the words seem to diminish the value of my thoughts and feelings. No words in the dictionary can help. It's something that must be felt.

I've been torturing myself for a while, and so far I see no end in sight. As hard as I've tried to move on, to get over it, I've come to the realization that the heart listens to only what it knows. Sometimes you have to just trust in it to lead you to the right place, and even if it doesn't, at least you had an interesting trip along the way.


two completely different stories... and yet so relevant. i could care less whether mark is dating or not. so why does the thought of it still haunt me? i dont understand. (i will in 2 years, when i can diagnose myself... but let's live in the present for now) but even moreso... i dont understand this feeling inside.

i've been in love before. a couple of times, actually. i know what it feels like. so why is it that this time, i dont know how to say it? and why am i keeping it it all bottled up? scared? um. yeah. that's a big hell yes. because i dont think ive ever felt it this strong before. the fact that im keeping it inside makes it even harder to bear. im scared of unleashing it. fear of rejection maybe? fear that if i finally set it all out, there will be nothing left to say? but then again, ive had these kinds of doubts before. and ive always been greeted with a pleasant surprise afterwards. but im scared. because this is such a big step for the both of us. neither of us have ever been in a relationship like this. ive never felt anything as strong. (well i have, just not with a guy) look at him... sitting there.. oblivious to the fact that this is tormenting me inside. i need to talk to him. but ive been trying to bring it up. no luck. i dont have the balls to. im waiting on him to say something like i always do. as happy as i am to actually have these feelings, i also dread it. dread the thought the he doesnt feel the same way. dread the thought of scaring him off. grrr. damnit. i need to shoot myself.

cuz i know him better. whether or not he feels the same, i know he'll still accept me. bah. damnit. i know what to do. i just need some balls to do it.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:09 AM

If I was your girlfriend
I'll be there for you, if somebody hurts you
Even if it's somebody
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be
And so I put this on my life
Nobody or nothing will ever come between us
And I promise I'll give my life
and all of my trust if you was my boyfriend
Put this on my life
The air that I breathe in, all that I believe in
I promise I'll give my life
and all of my trust if you was my boyfriend

....down to ride til the very end... is me and my boyfriend

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:50 AM

sorry... cheese causes text diarrhea....

11.12.02 @ 1120am ::: wow! im impressed. now lets see if i can stay awake through the rest of your classes... cause im already falling asleep... i miss my g-friend so much! wait its u
11.19.02 @ 606pm ::: ...wat do ya like...a whole lot of foreplay right before we get it started... wat do ya like... me on top-u on da bottom type party...
11.20.02 @ 516am ::: thank you honey for another wonderful night. your so good to me! stayed out til 5am again. it still amazes me how we can manage to talk for HOURS and stay out til sunrise and still never run out of things to say or do.
11.25.02 @ 616pm ::: excuse me, my incredible girlfriend, but im gettting sleepy translation::: come home so we can nap
11.25.02 @ 939pm ::: tonight its very clear...cause we're both lying here... theres s many things i wanna say.... we're gettin to the point of... yeah.
11.28.02 @ 1245pm ::: i miss your voice... your warmth... and jus you being next to me.... cling cling cling cling cling!
12.01.02 @ 628pm ::: im so lucky to have a bring and caring girlfriend i think we're both lucky to have each other.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:06 PM