extended VROOM

WHOA. this new blogger stuff is crazy. it's coooool tho. different. kinda makes me feel OLD. like old old. like how old i felt last night. when i saw lil kiddies i used to yell at in ROTC in line for a 21+ club. yikes.

anyway, i've always been humpty dumpty sitting on a wall about this. just stuff in my life that really deserves attention. tis whole split personality thing i guess. (which will be my end if i dont fix it soon)

so. how long have you read marfiles? and if so, have you ever heard of the mar vs. maria debate?

it's all kinda split in the middle. as far as commitment. life goals. personality quirks. abilities. and strive. there's this internal instability about my personality because there are times when i'm on one extreme, and then times when i'm on the other. and during those times the other side just fights and fights and fights and one side wins. the other loses. and i lose because i let one side get the best of me. and this must sound completely psychotic, but whatever. it's something that i've been struggling with. i just wish that i could figure out how to fix it.

because as stable as i wish i were. or at least as stable as i think i am, my actions dont confer. BLEH.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:00 AM

my eyes like to wander during the summer heat. not that i dont appreciate what i have at home. just that... i dont know. something about the summer time makes me want new and different romances.

or it could be that something inside me still wants to know how fast i can make 'em fall and how hard i can drop 'em. and still remain friends after the fact. playing with hearts is an evil, evil hobby. but hey. at least i have a hobby. =P

i'm going to hell for that one.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:31 PM

i realy need to grow up. and be an adult. as much fast as i became the first of the pack to "grow up and go out into the real world" meaning i was the first to get a full time job and juggle bills and school. i'm the one that got left behind in the hustle and bustle of things. still in an aimless occupation full time and still going to school. my career of choice (as in the career i would like to pursue) is at a complete standstill. and here i am. still caught up in trying to make ends meet.

i shouldn't say everyone else grew up before i did. but i feel like i got left in the dust while everyone else got to spread their wings and develop. whether it be starting their families. starting their careers (even when back in the day, i was the only one with any real direction) in whatever they stumbled upon during their years in college. or really seeing them mature and pan out in so many different ways. i feel stuck. sorority girl with a retail job and no real direction after college.

i can keep telling myself that i'm going to grad school and become somebody big. because i've always aspired to. but the discipline i've lacked in the past few years have completely shrouded that path. and all i have left is to pursue a career path i never inteded to.

i would LOVE to go to med school. i would love to go to grad school for neuroscience. and i would like to go to an institution with some prestige. but the path i paved for myself doesnt allow that. ofcourse, i COULD start over. but starting over at this age and with all the responsibilities and the like that i've accumulated wouldn't allow it. now i know why it was so important not to grow up as fast as i did. there's that significant period of development that everyone needs in order to transition. and i never got that chance.

this sucks. so what do i do now?

couldnt tell you. but i guess we'll see how it progresses.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:04 PM