extended VROOM

i hate this. i try and i try and you konw what i get out of it? JACK SHIT. because people think that JUST because i try hard, that it's their reason not to try at all. or to try to make it more difficult for me. i dont understand. i just want the best. i just want things to work out. but if no one cooperates with me, then none of my efforts will be worth anything. just like that. so im basically wasting my time and energy. and for what? i dont know for what. for a relationship? for some fucking person to like me? ugh. maybe im forcing it. and by forcing it im making it more difficult. well that COULD be it. but i know for DAMN sure that it's not. fuck it. whatever. im tired of trying.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:41 AM

so ive been having this sort of identity crisis. oh yeah. before i move on, please excuse any type of typos or grammatical errors. im just typing right now. straight form the heart with no script. shit. i might start crying in the middle of the computer lab. im facing the window too. double shit. that makes it a shit sandwich.

but anyway...

im not sure who i really am. maybe its because of whats happened in the past. maybe its because of what lies ahead. or maybe its just because ive been lying to myself all these years and putting up a front that ive come to know are "reality." that ive fooled myself into thinking that the person that i am is the person that i try to be. nothing like that, but im just not sure who i am.

so there's these three girls. cheng. mar. and maria. cheng is the family goody-goody. always lookin out for the family. nothing else matters because the outside world has little effect on what happens. the important part is that everyone is safe and sound and we're all one big ass happy family. always together. always safe. always makin each other happy in every possible way. friends dont matter. as a matter of fact, friends are non existent. all cheng has is her family and her acquaintances. a night is better spent in her room watching tv than out in the world creating a muck.

then theres mar. outgoing. she's in a sorority. every guy she wants, she goes after. but not really. because she doesnt wanna be seen like that. she fits the stereotype. of a sorority girl. of a flirt. of an americanized filipina. she talks like one. she acts like one. the only difference is that she doesnt think like one. she's labeled. her outside appearance goes along with the label. and no one has ever really bothered to go deeper into her soul. because she is the stereotype. so nobody ever thinks that there lies more within. unfulfilled. shallow. superficial relationships. but they sure sound good on paper.

and last but not least, maria.
(whoa. hol up. i see looS and lhea chillin at the comons. just chillin. no physical contact yet. they're just kinda talking. damn. i should be a spy or something. i think ill watch them and wait and see if anything happenes. ive seen him a coupla times at state. just for her. wackness. she needs to come back to reality. college life is one big ass movie. ive learned that its better to be in reality than in front of the camera. they're holding hands. walking towards montys. oops out os sight. out of mind)

so anyway.. like i was saying... and then there's maria. stuck on her boyfriend. he's pretty much her only real friend. the only person other than her family that has ever really pulled through for her. she's smart. determined. but would rather live a comfortable like with her pooh bear than be out there in the real world makin money on her own. she has a big fat identity crisis. because of how she lives. and how she thinks. of what people think of her. and how they treat her. because its not a bad thing. sometimes playing the part really gets you places. but once you fill a role, its expected that you carry it out. and i think that's the problem. she's been carrying out roles her entire life. trying to please people. so that their schemas dont change. so that they can be more comfortable and not invade her thinking space. but that whole thinking process is not exactly good for her. overanalyzing. cant be good because she sees mor than is actually there. brings her own schizophrenic dilusions into the world. well sometimes they're right. but those other times... just brings her to the wrong places. she is one big fat contradiction in the way she lives her life and the way she thinks. but all she's been trying to do is find a balance between the two. but there is no such thing. its a myth. a lie that people tell you to make you act in certain ways. so that in the end, you're screwed. because you become a cog in the machine. an unimportant one to play a role to make them function better. but if you malfunction, its just a small headache. you can be fixed. its all one big mind game. they say that they're trying to help. but they're just tring to help themselves.

ugh. fuck. my brain hurts. i need to eat. or something.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 3:03 PM