extended VROOM

fuck you. i need to study.

fuck you. i need to sleep.

fuck you. i need to eat.

fuck you. i have more important things to worry about.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:31 AM

sometimes i hold back on telling people about 52govroom.com because i feel like if they know about it, that i might begin to censor what i really feel or think for the sake of my audience. which i HATE to do. but if people find out, then people find out. i'm a lot less overt about the advertising of my site. because i figger... it's probably not gonna be their cup of tea. and if they ever DO decide to read it, it will be for the sole purpose of looking for their name or digging for dirt. i mean, eventually, they might start to like what i write or write about and keep reading for enjoyment. but it's a rare occasion. i know a lot of people read just to keep tabs on me to see if i slip on any subjects.

there's a couple of girls just WAITING for me to slip about something. ANYTHING. any kind of incriminating evidence because they know their boyfriends can get into a LOOOOT of trouble from the things i say. because it's happened before. and because i value my friendships with those boys, i have learned. sorry ladies, but you're gonna have to find your dirt someplace else. i really dont see the point of TRYING to find something to fight about anyway. that's just retarded.

then there are the MAJORITY of viewers that are just trying to keep tabs. on someone from their past. yeah. i know about you people. whatever. i dont mind. ofcouse, i would rather that you just CALL me, instead of trying to keep up with me via what i post. but i know a couple of you dont have those kind of balls because of the falling out we've had in the past. but yah know what? whatever. GET OVER IT.

and there are the couple of people that read for fun. that call me. keep up. and just like to see what retarded shit comes out of my mouth. and i love you guys. cuz you're who keeps me public.

anyway, this post was originally about inhibitions and censorship... but whatever. flown into tangents and somehow, it always gets back to the audience. tee hee. okay. whatever. i should really be going to work now.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:53 PM

i like to see people in love.

it's me n bri's 10th monthaversary. didnt think that this would last much longer than an end of summer fling. but that's just me being honest. but hey. we fell in love. which is the best possible thing for the both of us... i guess.

bleh. i hate this feeling. i hate having this unending dread of being STUCK. i know that i am free to leave when i want. but i also know that i DONT want to leave. i love him. i love being with him. i love spending time with him. i know we have a wonderful future together. but i just have this weird gut thing.

or maybe its just my hormones. cuz i'm on my rag. but no really. i've always had a dread of commitment. i dont really know where it's rooted. but i'm nomadic by nature. i know it doesnt really show.. but that's how i am. before genaro, the longest relationship i had was EXACTLY 3 months. on our 3rd monthaversary, i ended it. then genaro came along. he went to boot camp and we hit the year mark. couldnt really do much from there. cuz i COMMITTED to so much already, that i couldnt bear to uproot myself.

i dont know. it's one big contradiction. because i WANT that storybook life with the husband and 2.3 kids. the 1.7 pets. with the 3 bedroom/2.5 bathroom/2 garage house. on the other hand... there is SO much of the world to explore. so many people to meet. so many things to do. so much to learn. so much to see. so much to experience. i know you can do both. but to have the FULL EXPERIENCE of either, you have to stick to just one.

i really have to figure this out. because i hate looking brian in the eye and telling him that everything is okay. yeah. everything is PERFECT between the two of us... but i cant hide the fact that there is something wrong with me. because if there wasnt, then i wouldnt be sitting here writing this disturbing post. questioning the one relationship (outside my family) that i have a strong sense of stability and future with. because honestly, i've never had a relationship go as well as me and brian's relationship has been going. not even a FRIENDSHIP has gone this well for me. and it's frightening to think about. it should be a blissful thought... but for some reason, it just isnt.

it's bad enough for me to call it a phobia. and as horrible as it sounds, that's the most accurate word i have for it.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:20 PM

what. is this a monthly thing now, or what? i think i've just gotten lazy. whatever. fillers are retarded. its like those people that try to overcompensate for what they dont have.

grrr. im sleepy. but i'm determined not to get coffee anywhere else but starbucks in fashion valley mall. those are my peoples. seeing them on a daily basis makes my day. the enthusiastic "HEY MARIA!!" from everyone when i walk in. the chit chat. the schedule bitchin. the morning coffee. and the afternoon tea. gotta love routine.

i've been spending way too much lately. and here i go again... i'm gonna go and buy another pair of jeans. GREAT. that sounds WONDERFUL. yippeeee.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:14 AM