extended VROOM

ready or not, here i come!

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:56 AM

im so terrified of what lies ahead that it's not even funny. i got a bid last night. i was actually nervous if i was gonna receive one or not that i had butterflies in my stomach. maybe it was my need to be accepted. or maybe i really do want to be a sorority girl. or maybe... well i dont think i am able to comprehend, or even rationalize what i was feeling last night.

so im terrified of what's gonna happen. and im so excited. scared because of what i might become. i might turn into some ultra-girl monster that i never want to be. scared that i might over-apply myself and not leave time for anything else. scared that my pooh bear will leave me because of it. scared because it's something i've never done before. but that's also why im excited. because i get to venture out on this new adventure. i get to do something that i never thought i would.. or even considered. i get sisters. i get a new circle of friends. and in the end i know that what i am about to do will be well worth the time i invest.

hannah just called me. she's gonna be my new pledge sister. i have a pledge sister. i dont think it has even processed yet. im really gonna do this. im really gonna be a sorority girl. im so scared. and im so excited.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:50 AM

BAH! new template isnt showing up. BOOOOO

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:54 PM

i coulda cried my eyes out if i opened that door. or i coulda been ultra cold and sarcastic. or i coulda been a complete airhead. or i could just talk. and answer. which is what i did. very boring. partly open, but yet withholding. these people dont even know that i have a website.

which leads me to the theory of paths. in life, we are constantly faced with decisions of which path to take and which roads to venture through or avoid. my theory is that your mind is the same way. you choose a path, but you cant turn back. all you can do is continue to choose which turns to make, which roads look travelable, and just hope that the path that you have chosen will somehow lead you to where you want to go.

the path that i chose to take with the APhiG girls is that of the long and intertwining one. the complicated, yet simplistic path. they get bits and pieces, and it's up to them to piece it all together to form my personality. i could have taken the shortcut and said "hey i have a website where i post all of my feelings" and have them read on from there. or start out with the most crucial points of my life and cry my eyes out so that they could start from within and work their way out. but that way would be too messy. and way too easy. easy access to my weaknesses. i prefer to show my strength before showing weakness. that way you get the respect. once you have that respect, you show your softer side... which will get you more respect because of your humanity. but in order to know me, you have to walk with me side by side. otherwise, if you take the path alone in my mind, you'll end up in the wrong place. just remember to listen. just because i listen all the time, it doesnt mean that it's the only thing that i can do.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:44 PM

it's an endless cycle of people criticizing each other in this world. the intelligent criticize the dumb. the dumb take their stand and fall. the few intelligent stand up for the dumb because the dumb cannnot defend themselves. and it's a clash of intelligence. or at least a clash of ethics.

okay, i know i might sound like i have some sort of superiority complex. i rant about stupid airheads trying to do shit that they shouldnt do. about the typpies that are so incredibly clueless. about everything that bugs the living crap out of me. but hey... that's my viewpoint on shit. i sometimes have a superiority thang because hey.. face it... these people WILL NOT LEARN!

take for example the millions of incompetent bastards out there that have no fucking clue what they are doing in life. and have no incentive to learn anything, do anything, and most of all help to make a difference. or the millions of typpies out there following the fucking herd to their inevitable doom just because they dont want to feel left out. or the thousands upon thousands that choose to remain ignorant about global problems just because knowing things will make them unhappy.

when i think of these people, YES... i do think that i am better than them. because i try to educate myself. i try to keep myself interesting. i actually try to make a difference when i can. i try to keep a balance. i am an individual.

and no matter how you view it, yes i am an individual. yeah i wanna look nice. yeah i wanna join a sorority. yes i like a lot of stuff that "everybody else and their mom" likes. i do alot of things that everyone else does. but does that make me a sheep? no, because unlike them, i have reasons to back everything up. i rationalize. i know how to think for myself. and i know what i like, what i dont, and WHY. it's never "just because."

and no matter what anyone says, i will always believe that , depending on the situation, people have a right to look down on other people. people that DO SHIT and THINK have the right to look down on those who dont. people that express themselves a tasteful manner have the right to look down on those that express themselves because "it's the thing to do." along those lines, then it's all good. but something like a rich person looking down on a person down on his luck, that's a no-no.

bottom line, people that put forth the effort to educate themselves and make a difference are better than people that choose to be ignorant and stupid. there's a reason that God gave us brains and reason. not using it just means you're below the people that do.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:24 PM

im so freaked out by all this sorority shit. like... its not like CG. this isnt based on skill. its based on social crap. and God knows about my social ineptitude. good grief. last night i almost peed in my pants out of nervousness. they all looked at me like i was some sort of freak. like i didnt belong. and i didnt feel welcome at all that night. well maybe little glimpses here and there, but as friendly, as congenial as i was trying to be, i felt that they felt my nervousness. i could tell that they felt that i did not fit in there. that they questioned jill why she brought this freak of nature here. i just feel like i dont belong there. and it's not like CG. it's not like we all began as equals. because we didnt. jill brought me there. jill was the only one talking to me. and i felt as if she was only doing that out of guilt because she knew that i didnt belong. i wasnt feelin it. and by the looks of things, they werent feelin me.

so it sucks. here i was, on the verge of expanding my horizons, only to be faced with utter rejection. my parents dont want me in. im not feeling the love from them. i know it doesnt feel right at first, but i thought it would get better. i mean, CG was like this at first. but the difference is, my sisters accepted me from the start. and we had an instantaneous friendship. with APhiG, it feels like i have to put forth a huge effort in order to fit in. and for what?

but then again, michelle did address that. that whatever i put in, i would get out. and many times, i will stop myself and wonder what i am doing all of this for. why im making such a huge effort to fit in. but maybe this square peg isnt gonna cut it for that round hole. and that's all im feelin right now. and i dont understand why im putting myself in this situation. i dont understand why im trying so hard for these girls to like me. they rejected me. and i should reject them in return. but social butterfly side of being a libra isnt letting me give up. my balance has been thrown way off, and i need to find that again.

ill go again tonight. if i feel like im the freak of nature, then i will retreat. but until the end of the night, i wont know.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 3:29 PM

erik emailed me some depo thing. i checked up on the send list::: he tagged all of us as "beezies" in his address book. hi. im marbeezy.

i told pooh id sleep now. but i also told evan id stay up n wait for his call. oh hell. he's not gonna call till tomorrow. talk about drama queen. but eh... i like the guy* so what can i do? i guess ill just wake up when he calls. or something. i need sleep though. floorset coming up. and my eys hurt like a mutha.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:50 AM