extended VROOM

[[[[3.4.03]]]]
i was driving on the 15north. listening to hot92jams anticipating my arrival in mira mesa. we were going out that night like we always do on nights when we're both available. theni hear the intro of "half crazy." and it triggred thoughts of mark and our summer romance. now i know that it's been almost a year and i really shouldnt be dwelling. and i guess im not dwelling, per se, more like... okay. im dwelling. call it what you want, but it doesnt infest my thoughts, so to me, its not classified as dwelling. but anyway... should i begin?...

why does it cross my mind so often? maybe because i never had closure. after our last conversation, it was left hanging over our heads like a dark cloud. and its been like that ever since. we've never discussed it with each other. although overanalyzed and scrutinized by the of us individually and other around us, we've never come to terms with it with each other (if that makes any sense at all). no closure. as much as i try to convince myself that im over the whole thing, im not. otherwise, you would never head a mention about it here. so, clearly, im not. so why not then?...

before all this started, mar and i were great friends. in retrospect, thats really how we should have remained. we had fun together, we connected on different levels, and we had enough variance of interests to keep things interesting. proximity and mutual friends helped too. but what screwed us were our relationship values. we could agree. things were better left unsaid. and our relationship functioned like a friendship. toss in intimacy and what you get is a big mess. espeially wehn expectations are different. he wanted a frienship and i wanted a romatic relationship. i guess he couldnt distinguish between the two. so it caused a disturbance. that led to a deterioration of the relationship that we had, and killed that off. which rendered our frienship virtually non. bah.

really, i just want my friend back. someone i can turn to. someone i can just chill with. someone who wont take thigns the wrong way. bleh. but alas. impossible. and thats what i dwell on.

i dwell on the fact that i lost a great friend because we thought we could work things out that way. i lost a friend because of my neediness and lack of undertanding before i jumped into something. i lost a friend that i treasured. and thats what i cant get over.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:06 AM

no really... i have ZERO spaces in my inbox...

03.04.03 @ 352pm ::: whoa! old school... everytime i see your face, it makes me want to sing. and everytime i think about your lovin drives me crazy...
03.11.03 @ 1244am ::: HAPPY 4 MONTHS SWEETIE!! i dont blame you for anything n your not a disapppointment to me. but there is something you should take credit for... dot dot dot...
03.11.03 @ 1248am ::: ... you've helped opened doors for me that i never knew could be unlocked...
03.11.03 @ 726pm ::: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEETIE! SMILE for me please
02.26.03 @ 1157am ::: good afternoon my wonderful girlfriend, that can put a smile on anyones face.
02.27.03 @ 220pm ::: shh... not so loud. F might hear. then all hell will break loose.
03.10.03 @ 232am ::: thanks for another wonderful nap. drive safely sweetie.
03.06.03 @ 1249am ::: sorry i couldnt come over n take care of you honey. i really really sorry. i show you how much im sorry when i see you. k. till the morning. MUAH!!!
02.15.03 @ 443pm ::: ...well besides the sweetness of your lips... i dont know where that came from... but he's cheese.
03.09.03 @ 551pm ::: cant wait to see you... im so excited.. n i jus cant hide it.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:06 PM

There's another world inside of me that you may never see
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide
Somewhere in this this darkness there's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind
Or maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
Want to be the one
That you wanted me to be
Never let you down
Even if I could
Give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
I won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone

When your education x-ray can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my fans
The roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this, but part of me is gone

Maybe I'm just blind

--3.doors.down-when.im.gone.


Shut down
Fallin' over once again
Dropped out
Hand extended from a friend
Looked up
And there's you lookin' in
And who cares
Cause no one's lookin' anyway
Impaired
My vision lost it yesterday
And that's fine
Don't mind feelin' that way
Just don't let me lie here by myself

Let's go, I know I'm faded
Outta sight
Tonight
Just stay with me, I don't wanna go home
Outta sight
Tonight
So rescue me, I don't wanna go

Rewind
And take me back to the start again
Ducked out
Cause paranoia's settin' in
But I'm
With you until the end
One ride
We'll drive around the parking lot
No pride
Cause I don't seem to care a lot
No cash
This change is all I got
Just don't let me ride here by myself


So set still
One last thrill
Just stay with me and we'll never go home
All right
Tonight
So rescue me and we'll never go

One more ride
One time once again
Just climb in
I'm still climbing

---unwritten.law-rescue.me
**cuz he always DOES rescue me**

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:25 PM

so anyway... initially, this was a letter to my sweetie on our 3monthaversary... but somehow it became a journal entry... well here you go...

2.11.03
hello sexy wonderful boyfriend! happy 3 month anniversary! and and and... CONGRATULATIONS on your A! YEY! im so very proud of my smart boyfriend! YEY! you have no idea how proud i am of you. SEE! progress! its a start. and now... i wanna see those kind of results on everything now! hear me sweetie? you have to do awesome this semester. apply in the fall for a university. and move out by fall 2004. you'll do great. k. sorry. no more school talk. but sweetie, im really sorry if academics consistently run through my head. but its that time in my life when i really have to get serious about my future. i cant just be 21 and in college anymore with vague ambitions. i need to just be established already. i know i sound boring. sounds like im just a worrywart & i need to just relax and have fun because i have the rest of my life to worry about all that. but i dont. i wnat to start my life already so i dont have to worry about trivial things like i do now. i wanna stop worrying about money and grades and whether or not im gonna be able to go out in a couple of weeks. i just want my house. and my dog. and my stable job with great co-workers. and my perfect little househusband. HAH! k. but yeah. im tired of being this age. i dont have the resources to do what im doing. UGH. okay. sorry. this turned into a journal entry. im sorry honey. ill stop now. but i hope you understand. =( your girlfriend isnt fun. she's boring and psycho and uptight. wow. my handwriting looks like chickenscratch. sorry sweetie. and its gonna get worse in grad school. =P ever wonder why doctor prescriptions always look sloppy and incomprehensible? beacuse in medical school, professors speka fast. and they dont stop of anything. because theres SO much information that needs to be presented in such a short time. so med students just write and write and write and their writing looks like squiggly lines. and eventually they forget how to write ligibly. so yeah. just watch. in a couple of years... you can probably track the degenerization of my handwriting through my letters. haha! that's funny. i wanna do that now. yes. i think i shall. i got good parking today. YEY! and i need to go to UCSD. boooo. and i love you verry very very very much. and i know i spelled that (points to the very w/ 2 Rs) wrong. but i know you still love me regardless of my FOBulousness. class is over. I LOVE YOU! k. neuropsych. he cants speak english well. so its hard for him to eress what he means. kinda like me. stutter stutter! but i swear im not lying. my Brocas area just malfunctions from time to time. but anyway.. i hopw you can still stand me by summer. i know ill be hard to beart with this semeseter. just remember... i love you! cuz when my love starts runnin thin, ive got YOU my own BRIAN! hey brian paul oh i love you! H3M!

the end.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:03 AM