extended VROOM

damn james. just when you think. then goes kaput. then its like ugh. and then ??? again?

ahh mi. its times like this when i must take a step back and wonder. wonder about all of my relationships. the whys the hows the whos. and each day i think of them... it makes me wonder more. because i can probably do better. but do i want to do better? should i ? is what im feeling real? eh. i guess it all comes with the territory of being young. sucks turtles dont it? yeow well.

thank you james for makin me wonder. thank you everyone else for makin me not.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:19 PM

james has been avoiding telling me something. something about the way he's feeling.

"so basically... old feelings are coming back out... and im having trouble... deciphering them."

he keeps going back to his car to wax it. but every now and then he'll throw me a word. i just dont know what to make out of it all. cuz james is a complicated guy. there's always a lot of stuff going through his head. then once you understand one part of it, all of this other crap comes tumbling out. and it's an endless cycle of understanding, then finding more to decipher. there's no end to it with james. its a big ass loop that he makes you go round and round in until he's ready to tell you what he's really thinking and feeling. then after that, he does a complete change of heart and leaves you in the dust trying to figure out if what just happened was real or not.

i guess that's what attracted me to him in the first place. we were so good together because we always kept each other on our toes. up until everything came tumbling out. and everything was out in the open. so ofcourse, knowing the both of us, we had to hide from it. cuz that's how we both are.

and now, the enigma begins all over again. i sincerely doubt that these "old feelings" that are coming back to him are towards me. im thinking somewhere along the line after me and before the girl in his current profile. it was probably "the girl that wanted, but he didnt want." but then again, if he really wanted her, then he woulda had her already. most likely its wunna the girls that still has a boyfriend. james has this thing about girls with boyfriends. damn.

it's really starting to bug me. first he's completely cold. then outta nowhere.... all this again. just when i was talking about needing someone to talk to. needing my best friend again. coincidence? maybe not. maybe he's just been doing some reading lately. or maybe its just the two of us needing each other again. needing each other to fall out of reality with.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:49 AM

super M A R 52: but i cant do it unless i feel it
KE17D09: i understand
KE17D09: but i'm sure she knows what yer going thru
super M A R 52: i doubt it
KE17D09: well...are you having the same drama with yer sis's?
super M A R 52: nah
super M A R 52: im cool with the sisters
super M A R 52: but everything else is just iffy
KE17D09: like what?
super M A R 52: cuz everything is just one contradiction after another
KE17D09: oh foreals

super M A R 52: everything formal, im cool with... like the oath, ideals, etc, etc
KE17D09: explain!!!
super M A R 52: and i have it in my head that these ideals are what they're trying to instill in us
super M A R 52: but they're not. they just want to drill the WORDS into our heads, not the ideas
super M A R 52: and they do a jekyll/hyde transformation
super M A R 52: and its like whenever they're nice, i can TOTALLY see right through it
super M A R 52: you know.. some people that are genuinely nice, you can tell... but i can spot fakeness even if i was blind and deaf
KE17D09: well.... you know what their ideals and values are... as long as you have them, you're cool.... but it's up to you to make a difference about how you enforce them when you cross over
super M A R 52: yeah thats what i keep telling myself
KE17D09: i tell myself the same things too
KE17D09: ....that i'm going to make a difference, ya know
super M A R 52: but its really discouraging that i have to follow them as my "leaders and guide"
super M A R 52: its hard to follow and trust someone if you dont respect them
KE17D09: i'm sure there are people in there that you do respect
super M A R 52: one or two
KE17D09: once you cross over...there will be two or three people that some girl in yer same situation will be able to respect
KE17D09: think more about what you can do with the organization once you get in.... the values are there, they just don't know how to enforce them

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:39 AM

i need a shoulder to cry on other than my pooh bear. a guy. not a girl. a guy that understands me. a guy that will listen. but alas. there are none. so i suffer alone. to carry my own weight of burdens. and its one heavy motherfucker.

i just wish i knew how to type it all out so that i could finally vent. but i have some sort of inability to do so online. but i sure as hell can do it if someone is holding me and im bawling like a madman. thats when everything comes tumbling out. along with the mucus dribbling down my nose and tears just pouring like a faucet. as disgusting as it is, it has a very calming effect. but i digress.

im talking to kenny online. it's really helping. he seems to be going through the same thing. but he has more of a tolerance for all of it. i know some of his actives. and they're good guys. its just hard. going through all of this shit. and it feels like im going through all of it by myself. and the person i want to reach out to.. i cant. otherwise ill offend others. fuck this. im so frickin tired of it. kenny helped, but not enough. i think the only solution would be to bail the fuck out.

and im cussing entirely too much. i have to stop this.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:35 AM

dinner and talking with dwin last night was .... to say the least.. unique. cel phones. Friends. declinations. ducks. there's a lot to be said. but... too bad.

he told me something last night that opened my eyes. (now i know this sorority shit has been plagueing my mind lately, but please bare with me) he illustrated to me the fakeness of all this sorority shit. i got the truth from an outsider with an inside link. and to me, that was the best input i have received in a long time. because his viewpoint was unbiased. whereas everyone else was in on pulling the blanket over my head. FUCK. i need to really think. i need to talk to one of my "sisters." but they're never there. only when they need me to do something. which goes to show... i shouldnt be doing this.

crap. i have to go to the bank and get my shit straight.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:01 AM