extended VROOM

I've been on itunes because I wanted to buy "Some Hearts" but decided that it would probably be cheaper if I went out and bought the CD. So... Yeah. that's the mission tomorrow. I'm off at 5:30 and the game doesn't start til 7:10. That's a few hours to find it, right? First stop will be Target, which I really doubt that they'll have it. Then Best Buy then off to Litchfield. Hopefully it won't take that long. I still wanna be able to make dinner for myself. =)

Anyhoo... So I've been on this downloading kick for contemporary country songs. I know... you hate me for liking contemporary country. You know what tho? I like it. So kill me. It speaks to me and my life. So there. It's what saved my sanity when I first moved out here to Phoenix. I remember just sitting in my big blue chair in the corner of our room with a book and one of the country stations in the background. Because as much as weezer and dashboard calm my heart... for some reason, they weren't the right type of music at the time. So I started listening to country and started really listening and I was hooked. So tonight I've been downloading stuff that I've really liked listening to the past couple of years. =)

But all of this has really made me miss Nick. I KNOOOOWW!!! SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!!! I keep telling myself that I'm over him romantically. I'M SOOOO not. I just have a better grip of my life without him in it.

UGH. -_- You know what it is? I just want to be in his arms. Feel his kiss one last time. I kinda regret not giving him that final hug the last time we saw each other. He asked for a hug before I left and I told him that I just couldn't. I didn't. Because that would have really broken me. I would have lost it if I touched him that day. I'm very surprised that I held up as well as I did that night. He didn't see tears. I kept my composure. Which came across as very very cold... but you know what? I needed to do that for the both of us. One of us had to be strong for the both of us. UGHHHHHH!!!

But it's so FRUSTRATING!! Everytime I see a tall man I want to cry. When I hear the name "nick" I want to call him and tell him I love him and that he needs to come back to me. I can't get him out of my head. I still have dreams about him. I want him back. That's just it. Not just as a friend. I want what we had. And right now, I have every right to it.

I want to write him a letter to tell him all of this. But I know he doesn't want to hear it. I just wish I knew WHEN it would be okay. I really want him to make the first move this time. Sober. I've always let everything be his choice. Because I don't want to be too forward with him. I want to make it on his terms because only then would I be comfortable letting him in again. I want to know that we have that security. Because if this is done on his terms, it gives me security that he's sure that he's not gonna leave me again. I can't take that again.

UGH. Listen to me. Thinking that it will actually work out. Thinking that there's even a CHANCE of this ever happening. =( Okay. i have to go cry now.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:33 PM

I've been cleaning my apartment all day. I'm almost done. I have to mop the floors. There are still some dishes in the sink and there is a ton of laundry that needs to be done. I set up my tower again and it's been an interesting couple of hours. I've already turned it off and have spent a majority of the time on my lappie. Mainly because the ethernet is still connected to the lappie. But mostly because I've been trying to find the motivation to dust my room and only ended up dusting like the window seat. But at least I vacuumed! So it's a start, yes? I'm estimating that I only have about 2 more hours of cleaning left. I've really been taking my sweet time today. Blame it on the lack of caffeine. And 3 hours on baseball. Actually... as we speak I'm watching the Dodgers get shut out by the giants. CRAZY!!!

I was perusing facebook and looking through the MHS c/o 2000 and realized how much people have changed, and how much so many of us haven't. I think I'm somewhere right in the middle. I did get married and moved out to nowhere, AZ. But still the same girl that most of my peers knew in college (the change from HS to college was probably the most drastic... And as of right now, I still act like i'm in college). But yeah.... one of my buddies from middle school married a hottie and her life now revolves around the church. She was never like that before... we even had cathechism classes together! (BTW, she's no longer Catholic). I dunno... nuts. And a lot of the people I used to hang out with in college are still doing the same stupid things that we used to do. Some of the people I hung out with in HS are still doing the same things that they used to do (except now they're doing it as married couples). I dunno... it's weird. I know it's only been 9 years... but funny how things change and still remain the same.

I should really be in the shower right now so I can get some rest for tomorrow's meeting. YIKES!! I can't believe it's that time already! It's weird that time has gone by much faster now that Nick and I aren't together. LIke... I really thought that it would go by faster with him around... and all the crap I've been through... I just thought it would go slower. Guess not. God loves me <3

Anyways... I'm thinking of throwing an "I'm finally divorced" party tomorrow night. But just remembered that I have a meeting at the regional office at 6pm. It's a little strange. =P We'll see what happens, I suppose.

Okay. Shower time ^_^ You know it's bad when you can smell yourself. Then again... I'm in an enclosed space. So it's a little unfair.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:13 PM

So I actually looked up the lyrics to 11:11 (All american rejects)... And HOLY CRAP. Wow... these are the exact words I want to say to him. Actually... I have a playlist on myspace that I think makes my feelings pretty clear. Anyhoo... here's 11:11.

All the windows swear to miss you
And the doors are cell-block tight
Sweet sedation, sweep the issues
And the clocks about to strike

Did he call you down, are you back just yet?
Waiting now, please come set me free
And the only sound is a minute left
This could be...
This could be the last time

It's a chance to fix mistakes
One more for the last time
Don't you throw our dreams away
Don't waste this chance with your smile
Ten seconds left on this star
This could be the last time

Along the staircase I dream to hear you
in a whisper, quiet low
Spaced to thinking
Spaced to scream, too
But the echoes sound like you

Not the stars at night in a pitch black sky,
I don't know, just wants to see you
But the time is right and it only flies

This could be...
This could be the last time

It's a chance to fix mistakes
One more for the last time
Don't you throw our dreams away
Don't waste this chance with your smile
Ten seconds left on this star
This could be the last time

It's only ours
It's only now
This simple wish,
it's only tonight

This could be the last time
(this could be)
Now we've made our last mistakes
One more for the last time
Don't you throw our dreams away
Don't waste this chance with your smile
Ten seconds left on this star
This could be the last time

It's only ours
It's only now
It's only tonight

How very fitting how it talks about the stars and making wishes and that 11:11 was our favorite time of day (11 was our favorite number as a couple) and about how he shouldn't throw away our dreams. UGHHHHHH!!!! Sometimes I see things like this and I think about our relationship and it frustrates me so much! HELLOOOOOO!!! How do you throw away something that wonderful?!?!??!?! UGH.

I need to look at the big picture. I may not be better off right now... but I will be eventually. I just have to think of it in those terms. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall together right?!?!?

I put my faith in God. He knows what to do with my heart. BLEH. The waiting just sucks tho.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:36 PM

Sometimes i wonder if it was the honeymoon phase still. I dunno.... Dude. I'm not sure how deep the love was.

Or maybe I do. I just don't want to think about it.

BLEH. BLEH. BLEH.

I do love you.

I just don't want to do this anymore.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:36 PM

SO.... I kinda don't know what to do at this point. I DUNNO I DUNNO I DUNNO I DUNNO!!!!! And it's the most frustrating thing ever! Like... the more I put myself out there, the more I want to wait for you! This is so unlike me and so needy and dependent and I can't stand myself right now. =(

Nick, as much as I would like to convince myself that we're never going to be together... as much as I rationalize it and as much as I KNOW that this is absolutely impossible right now... I can't let you go. And the tough part is that I don't know if I am willing to or not. I know I SHOULD.

Okay... so here's what the rational side of me is saying:::
*Even if we did end up together, your parents would never approve. We both know that it will always be a conflict because that's your FAMILY. And honestly.... I don't know if I can be in a marriage that my in-laws don't accept me. I've been through it. I can't do that again.
*I still blame myself for the situation you're in. I don't know if I can get over that. I don't know if you blame me for it, either. I don't know if you can ever really forgive me for doing this to you.
*How would we raise our kids? Like you said... they need grammas and grampas and aunts and uncles in their lives too. And is that even possible?
*I don't know how long I can wait. Honestly, as young as I feel, I also feel my age these days. And how much longer can I put off the rest of my life? And for what? A friendship? More? Or nothing at all?
*I need closure so I can leave this place.

BUT....
*I love you. I promised to fight/wait/love you forever.
*I want the future we planned TOGETHER.

I just wish that I could talk to you about all of this. Because I'm so CONFUSED! I just wish I had some direction. I've always taken my cues about our relationship from you. Because I know where I want us to go. But right now, I don't know if you feel the same way. I don't know where your heart is and how you want this to end. I'm not sure if you WANT this to end.

UGH. We just need to be drunk together so we can figure this out.

Should I believe in us??!?!?! Do I have a reason to?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:52 PM

It's hard to explain love to someone that's never experienced the real thing. It's even harder to explain it to someone that has experienced it, but not the "die for this" type of love.

I've been in love before. There was the immature love with Genaro that I really believed would last. It was just blind of us because we were each others' first everything. So naturally, we believed that we were in the kind of love that would move mountains. Obviously not, right? You can force something and try to make it work, but at that age, when the both of you are trying to figure out who you are as individuals, it doesn't work out. True love would make it work because the two of you would love each other through the transformations.

Then there was Brian. Yep. Now that's love. When you find someone that you can have endless conversations with about anything and everything and still love each other through it. When you can be 100% yourself and not have a care about what the other person was thinking because you know that no matter what that other person would love you... perhaps even more because of it. Someone that knows you inside and out and knows exactly how to make you feel better. To share that kind of love is REAL. Because you know that no matter how stupid you are and no matter what kind of trouble you get into, that he'll always be there to support you. And he'll also be there to share in your happiness and to laugh with you through anything. That's love. Real love stands up to any challenge. It gets you through tough times and sadness and problems... it gets you through EVERYTHING in your life without judgment. Real love is understanding, even when you're no longer together because you both realize that you aren't supposed to be together. What Brian and I have is real love. It's platonic these days, but trust me.... when you find yourself in something like that... you bet your butt that you're never gonna let it go.

I'm not going to say that I love Pane and Mark. Because those two "loves" were complete disasters. I can honestly say that the phrase "I love you" was a response, in hopes of someday feeling what I said. Sounds horrible, but that's the truth. I never actually felt it in my heart to love them. It was just said outloud in the heat of the moment and I couldn't turn back the hands of time. So I sucked it up and tried to make it the truth. I just couldn't do it, tho. Sad.

And then there's this with Nick. This all consuming love that we have for each other. He makes me feel like I'm the only person in his life. He's considerate and wants to share a life with me. When we're together, nothing else matters because we know that whatever life throws at us, we can conquer together or figure it out because we have each other. I love being around him because being around him makes me feel wonderful inside. He compliments me in every way. Whatever I'm thinking, he's thinking at the same time. We can have 2 conversations at the same time because that's the level of understanding we have of each other. We were made for each other. In every which way... physically, emotionally, and mentally. All I want to do is make him happy. Because making him happy makes me happy. Seeing him stressed out stresses me out because I feel everything that he's feeling. And I know that he shares the same feelings that I do... that he stresses when I stress out. And most of the time, the only way to make those bad feelings go away is by being in his arms. Because when I'm in his arms, I know I can do anything. And that's what we do for each other. We make everything better just because we're together. Because we can do anything as long as we're by each others' side. He understands how my mind works and I understand how his brain ticks. And we're both understanding of it... no matter what we disagree on, we know that it just adds to the love because it's something else to love about the other person. It's one thing that we don't share, which makes it more of the other person to love. And he tries his best for me. And I do the same thing. All of his corny jokes. The music that we share. When he takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. I would do anything for this man. Because our relationship was based on trust and communication. I trust him with anything and everything and I know that I will not be judged. I can tell him anything... even the stuff that I normally keep to myself because I don't want anyone to know about it. I can tell him everything... and it's something that's expected... we used to always say "no secrets." Because no matter how crazy the thought was or how disturbing they are... we both know that we'll still love each other and help the other person through whatever they were going through. It's a level of support that I have only had from my mom in the past. =( Did you ever have someone that you never had to second guess? Someone that you knew would never leave you for any reason? Someone that you never doubted or wondered about? Someone that absolutely blew your mind because they understood you so well? I'm amazed how Nick has come into my life and has completely changed the way I see certain things. He shows me that being happy in a relationship is possible. He makes me happy by just sitting around and holding hands. I'm happy when I just sit there with him and look into his eyes. The relationship isn't hard because I'm happy to compromise with him because it's easy. It doesn't feel like i'm giving up anything. Because I know that the compromise that we come to will make us both happy. Because we make each other happy. When you find someone that amazing, you have to hold on. You have to fight, right?

And now it's gone. Dude. I would give anything to have Nick back in my life.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:06 AM

and you know what?!?!?!

For the first time in my life... I'm single and i'm not ready to mingle. I don't want to go out and play. I don't want to meet someone to cure the loneliness. I don't want to find someone to temporarily fill the void and entertain me.

I don't want to go out and find love. Because I have it with Nick. It's something that we can't express to each other. But until then, I have the love of God to fill my heart and my days and my time. It sounds crazy... but all I really want to do in this waiting period is enjoy baseball, work, and be with God.

I already found THE ONE. And until someone tells me otherwise (namely, if Nick finds someone else), I'm clinging on for dear life.

Because we didn't have problems. There was no conflict in our relationship. We are made for each other. I hold on to that. God has given me hope through what he has shown me these past 24 hours.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:10 PM

we had this running joke... well... i'm not so sure we were both joking... but the crazy thoughts in our heads just kind of went free and we told each other everything.

ANYHOO... we had this thing about planning our future together. CRAZY, considering how long we were together. But you know what? With the two of us... it wasn't out of the question.

So our church wedding would be themed in red. In church because we both believe that Holy Matrimony should be just that... shared with the Lord. We wanted to start our life together the right way... with God's blessing in His house. Bridesmaids would wear red. Our first dance as a married couple would be to Pink Martini's "Let's never stop falling in love." And because of the nature of the song, we would have a choreographed routine... impress all the fambam ;) We also wanted a reception under the stars. Fitting because that's how our romance began... skygazing and watching for shooting stars.

We would have 2 kids... maybe 3 if we got lucky with twins. Benjamin James and Hailey Brooke or Josephine Brooke. I like Josephine Brooke because then both kids would be a BJ or a JB... and BJs being one of our favorite places... it just seemed perfect.

He was going to propose in NY? Maybe? It was hinted at that we could possibly be engaged by 2011. But how perfect would that be to be married on 11.11.11?!?!?!!? We have this thing about saying "i love you" at 11:11. Because for some reason, we always look at a clock at that moment. Stemmed from our first time in san diego together for Sam's wedding. "Make a wish." And we did. And BTW, november tends to be the month when you can see the most shooting stars and the meteor showers. Perfect, right?

Rock solid foundation. But not so sure anymore because we were living in sin. But honestly... I'm going to do everything in my power and pray that we find each other again. Because the love that we felt between us could move mountains.

Unfortunate how things are right now... He needs to move out of his parents' house by June 15th. He doesn't know what he's going to do for school. Bruce is no longer his. And basically... well... we both have to repent for our sins... that we committed to each other and committed to God.

But Kuya said something to me last night that put things into perspective... that God has a plan. He already saw this coming and knows about the pain that we would feel. So maybe somewhere in God's plan there's hope for the two of us. Sounds crazy right now, right?

But with him moved out, NEEDING desperately to find a better job so that he can pay bills... this will make him grow up the way I had to grow up when I moved out here. The rejection from the school of business is probably so that he could go to NAU for a different (broader) degree. He's almost finished. Maybe he can move in with Doug and Kevin because it's closer to the PV campus. That would get him out of the district and into a different opportunity.

And this experience has brought me closer to God. I've been reading my Bible. I've been reaching out (kind of) to the Catholic Church. I've actually been talking to my brother. And really... that's something that I've been needing to do. I've been fooling myself into believing that I am a loyal follower. But you can't know God unless you pray regularly. Unless you read his teachings. Unless you try harder to understand what happened to Jesus. I realize that now. More than ever. And I see how much sin I have committed in my past. So this is my chance to repent for all that I have done. This is my chance to realize that how I was living my life is not how God wants me to live my life. And this will help to realign my soul...

We couldn't have had that future that we dreamed of unless he grew up. Unless I opened up to God and listened and prayed. So yes... it seems tragic right now... but I see light at the end of this.

I love him. I'm not going to stop loving him. Because I wholeheartedly believe that he was a gift from God. That we share the love that God wants us to feel.

I've been doing my research. And God has shown me answers. It makes my heart happy to find these things, and I want to share with him what I've found. But we can't for now. I must have patience. I must keep praying that he continues to love me and that I do not get replaced.

He said that he needs to flee from me. Flee from sin. We both have to meditate and beg for mercy. We must forgive each other.

I know that we've been damaged. But I still hold fast to our dreams. They might be delayed for who knows how long, but I will continue to pray to God that He gives him strength... to give US strength to overcome this. And I pray that He grants his parents the grace to accept us and love us. Because we both know that if we were to ever get married, that it wouldn't be a joyous occasion unless both of our whole families were there to celebrate our union.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 5:45 PM