extended VROOM

Everlasting love is something that I've dreamt about my entire life. I'm a lover. It is my passion to give love, receive it, and sustain it. As many lovers and loves that have entered my life, I have yet to find one that moves me beyond belief.

I have pined for someone. I have spent many sleepless nights broken-hearted. Have time and again prayed for healing and wellness from a broken heart.

I'm EXHAUSTED from the fight. Exhausted from the wait and my patience is thinning. It starts well, but crumbles slowly. Sustaining it can be trying, and it hurts!

I don't know what to do anymore. Give up the fight? Or keep my heart out there?

Not so sure about what to do with the Jon thing. I keep praying for him to heal so that we may someday resume what we once had. But who's to say that it will even work out in the end? IS LOVE ENOUGH?!?! Sometimes it isn't.

As much as I want to wait it out for him. I want to see what happens. But how do I know that he won't just move on to greener pastures? And when we finally do resume what we had, how much longer is the wait until he is ready for something serious? I just don't know.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:29 PM

I'm watching Leno and it feels so wrong. Everything feels wrong now. Coming home to an empty apartment. Not having anyone to cook dinner with or for. Sleeping alone. No one to call just to tell him 'I love you.'

It's not just those things that I want. It's HIM that I want. Everything was better because I was able to share it with someone that genuinely enjoyed my company. No alterior motive. Just LOVE. It got complicated every now and then. There were definitely some times when all I wanted to do was jump ship. Whatever it was that told me to stick it out and work through it... it was well worth the work. After each trying time, we came out of it stronger and with a renewed sense of knowing that WE were worth the fight.

The saying goes so true: Don't look for someone you can live with... look for someone you can't live without. As painful and heartbreaking as my other relationships have been... it has always been manageable. I have always been able to push through the pain. This one... I don't know where to start. (sidebar: I can't live without Brian. But that's a whole 'nother story).

Admittedly, we have had our most difficult times. We have always been able to work through them. He made me fight for us. That kind of dedication and loyalty is not easy to find. It's so much easier to just give up on something and move on to greener pastures than to work through it.

He's my voice of reason. He's encouraging, pushing me out of my bubble so I can experience more of life, or become a better manager/friend/person. He accepts me for who I am... my mistakes (except for ONE), my weaknesses, and my strengths. He doesn't try to change me, but he does help me through things to learn from them. Improve.

He's what I want in a life partner. Someone I can call home.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:01 PM

I can't cook or do anything in my kitchen. The refrigerator keeps my water cold, but that's all that I use it for. My stove and oven sit in silence. My sink remains dishless.

Our happiest times together were spent in that kitchen. Bonding and talking about our days, our plans, and our lives. That's where we met. Where we looked forward to interacting. That's where I keep all of our photos because that's our favorite place to be.

It hurts me to think about what to make for dinner. I turn to the tv or the computer or the phone to keep my mind elsewhere but food. Because I don't want to think about cooking without him. I don't want to. I have no desire to cook for one. It hurts really bad. I feel incomplete without my soux chef (and some nights the head chef).

That's where we became a team. Where we realized that this is what you strive for in a relationship.

I miss him badly. All I want is his comfort.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 5:40 PM