extended VROOM

i was going thru pictures because i wanted to share his happiness. i knew that things were happening for him that i should be happy for him for... and he certainly looked happy. looked proud. and it certainly looked like a wonderful time.

i wish i was there. or even invited. or even called once. but i wasn't. and just looking thru those pictures makes me feel ill.

and then he happened to be online. i signed on because i wanted to see if he was. just so i could see if he would even talk to me if i did message him. and he didn't.

i just don't understand what happened. and my heart is so heavy right now and i just want someone to stab it so that it could bleed out all of the pain.

because others come and go, but what we had was different. and i want to fix it, but i don't know how to. or if he'll even allow it to be fixed.

i feel so rejected right now. and regardless of the stupid shit i say or do, him not calling or saying anything is more upsetting than anything i've ever done. THERE, you ass! are you fucking happy? you're breaking my fucking heart! but please stop dragging it on! just fucking tell me you hate me so i can close this chapter of my fucking life with you in it! HURRY UP AND FINISH BREAKING MY HEART SO I CAN START HEALING! have mercy on me and don't drag it on any longer than necessary. i already know you're happy. i can see that you're happy. so please stop putting me thru all this pain.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 11:02 AM

you know what's sad? thinking that it's only water weight and your period making you fat....

and then coming to the harsh realization that... NO, stupid... you're not retaining water. you've been eating too much and not exercising. which means you're just FAT. heiffer.

even after pooping, i'm still 5 pounds heavier than i really should be.

damnit pane, you did this to me!

hahahah! vanessa called it "happy fat" after i poked at emiGlio's pudge.

but that was YEAAAARRRSSSSSS ago. and me n jeR went to go watch "I Spy" for free at the AMC at the Block. this after watching SugarCult perform for freeeeeee. and stole a cardboard cutout of "Crave" by calvin klein. ((a cologne that did so poorly that it was taken off of the market within a year. how sad, how sad))

... and i'm still bummed about the whole thing (not the being fat thing, the previous post thing... but i'm also bummed about being fat) i still am working on the recovery part of it.... but to no avail.

maybe in august things will improve. or maybe i can take a trip sometime in the end of june. for kicks. and other things.

this post should really be on mainpage. just to get the point across that I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT. but i guess i'll censor myself and keep it on here. maybe by chance it will be seen.... but regardless of whether or not it is seen by the right person or not, the message will be lost. just like it always is. just like all the song lyrics.

but that's okay. it's expected. i'm not expecting a knock on my door anytime soon. actually, i'm not even expecting a text message or phone call. at this point, the silence speaks for itself.

it's over. i gotta deal. and that's the end of it.

fuck. it just sucks ass, tho.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:21 AM

writing that pierced my heart. i've been trying to cut it out of my vocab.... but it's been embedded so deeply that now it's so hard to stop. i make a huge conscious effort not to mention it... but a lot of times it just makes me sad in the end not being able to say something.

because it is a huge part of me. that's a part of my personality that i need to suspend for the meanwhile. and i guess... from here on out. it's something that i've told myself i need to do,... and something that through his inaction and his signs has prompted me to do.

and maybe this is for the best? but i don't understand in what way. 7 years in the making and i still can't flush it out. as little as it's been... it's been a HUGE part of me. and hopefully it will referred to endearingly as i have before... but let's just wait and see. because i do have a tendency to misinterpret things. and this one could just be a 7 year pullover.

but definitely an end of an era. and i know i should take this as a step froward, but it's way too hard to do it without a crutch. i can't believe you took my crutch.

but i deserve what i got. crying wolf was never really my bag, and now the shit's hit the fan.

mocha all over the fucking place. along with pieces of my heart.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:40 AM

pet peeve: people that can't fucking do their own fucking homework their damn selves. leave me the fuck alone, because i have my own shit to take care of. dumb bastard. you go to class to fucking learn, you have the materials to fucking do it, so fucking read your shit and DO IT. if it's wrong, then it's fucking wrong. but don't waste my time to help you with your shit. dumbass.

BAH. i'm frustrated with people from school. can you tell?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:45 PM

it's official... my advertising project partner is a complete idiot.

i'd say bimbo... but she's not entirely bad. at least her brain functions at a normal level. but her scholastics SUCK.

not that i'm some kind of genius. but still.... stupidity gets on my nerves.

like... REAL stupidity. you know... the ones that don't know any better. because they're just DUMB.

because me... i can call myself stupid because i have a tendency to ACT stupid. but being, and acting are completely different. at least i can sit there and have a decent conversation with a friend, talk about important issues, write a comprehensible paper.... then go and act like a big doofus.

because being a doof is hilarious.

and mar finds fun in the dumbest little things. the voices in my head are a big help too in finding entertainment.

anyhoo.... people in my life have been LATE a lot lately. fuckin A. i hate waiting.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 10:46 AM

call me crazy, but i really think that the devil is after me.

lately, i've been having these weird sensations on the back of my calves. like a very hot hand is grabbing my leg and trying to pull me into the ground. it sounds weird and bizarro, but it's true. the devil is trying to keep me grounded because he sees that i'm in love. what a loooooserrrrr!

so anyhoo... since mar is getting laid again, things have started to normalize. that whole celebacy thing was just NOT working out for me. i don't understand how these people do it for years and years on end. i went for nearly 6 months and i was ready to tear my eyes out and just devote myself to slut-hood. being horny and not having a release SUCKS ASS. what did green day say? when masterbation lost its fun.... hahahahhah! you sick fuck. what the hell are you talking/thinking about? sick-o.

SICK-O

more like psycho, these days. clingy little girl. BAH!!!!! being clingy is fecking frustrating. i need to center again, damnit. center on my own life. and stop being a fucking BUM.

then again... it's only til august. which makes it okay! hahahhhahaaha

i'm gonna miss jan SOOOOO fucking much it's ridiculous.

i have a cut on my ear. i think it's a paper cut. it fucking hurts like a mongoose tugging on your nosehairs. or a papercut on your clit. either way, it hurts like a bitch.

and this is getting longer than my large intestine.

remind me to score Him against the "standards." just out of curiousity to see how way off i've landed this time around.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:18 PM

ugh. i gross me out. I've become THAT girl again. the one that's constantly in need of her boyfriend. YUCK.

it's not even something i really think about until it's over. until I've left his place or until my phone starts going off and it's the person that i've flaked on because i would rather be with him than the person i previously made plans with. ... not that i've broken an excessive amount of plans... but excessive for me.

i justify it by telling myself that i only have him until August. everyone else will still be here.... but in August, he'll be hundreds of miles away, and i'll inevitably go insane without him.

okay. we all know that's a lie. i'll be just fine without him.... probably not the first couple of weeks... but i'll be fine. i can deal. i'm sure i've flaked on enough people in the past month that i'll need to catch up with.

plus: i need to get on with my adult life. He's going to school to get his life on track, so i need to do the same. By getting an adult job which i won't be ashamed of.

not that i'm ashamed to be a BEARista... i absofuckinglutelyLOOOOOOOVEEEE my job. i enjoy it, it enjoys me, and it keeps me in a very happy place. But let's face it... i can't do it forever. i would love to... but i can't and i won't because i'm too proud to do it. But i do love my job.

just remember to keep reminding me about the 18-month rule. remember that one? after brian, i promised myself that if i got a boyfriend, and we started getting serious, that if he didn't propose to me after 18-months of being together, then i would drop him like a bad habit. Because really... i'm not getting any younger. and if the shmuck doesn't know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me after a year and a half of bliss (because mar is no longer settling for anything less than bliss), then he doesn't deserve me, and i'll be on my way to find someone that can appreciate me for everything that i am and do, and will want to spend the rest of his mortal life with me.

lucky for me, He's already proposed. hardy har har!

... and i've never been able to say this about any boyfriend.... but the sex is fawqing MINDBLOWING. so he's definitely a keeper.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:29 AM