extended VROOM

the official SOBER first kiss was last night... first kiss as in... it takes two to tango. *which was the unofficial theme of last night*

we worked together again today. and it gives me a shaky feeling about what's going on. not only do we have to keep everything on the low-low... which means i have to keep a HUGE secret from the people that i'm very close to (i.e. my big sis, a close friend, etc). not only that...

but customers have a way with us. and with certain customers.. he has a very good rapor with, as do i with a few of mine. and normally it wouldn't bother me that he's flirty with other girls... i just hate to know that no one can/will every say anything to him about his behavior (because nobody knows that it's inappropriate considering that i'm standing right next to him), and that he still does continue to flirt with his customers.

not that it's a really bad case of flirtation... it's completely HARMLESS, because i know nothing will ever come of it. what bothers me is the fact that i have to stand there and listen to it and witness it happening, and i have no right to say anything. i mean... i can always say something on the sidebar.... but that would kinda be out of line... considering our situation.

and he's not the only guilty one... because i do my fair share of flirting and googly eyes and goofing off. he knows that it's how i've been... and he understands what's going on. but i know that at some level, it does sting as much as it stings for me.

but it's not like we can just up and abandon our quirks. this is who we are, and this is how we interact with certain customers. to change that would yeild suspicions (although there are already a few... refer to mainpage).

and it just kinda sucks to have to work with him. we can't act the way we used to towards each other, because then it would be weird. weird... or people would start pushing more questions that are completely irrelevant. but when we're at work together... we just act so COLD towards each other... not even talking... and going about our business and just trying to stay out of each others' ways. and to be i a place with only one or two other people working with us... it gets a little awkward and stiff. i hate that feeling.

another thing: he knows which customers i have crushes on... and those certain customers have asked HIM about me... and what my situation is. and it's not like he can exactly say anything... he can't claim me... especially while at work. and to everyone else's knowledge... i don't have a boyfriend.

i don't know if i'll be able to handle this. it's just too many things all collapsing into one thing. and i hate it. it's too complicated. i'm too open about my life to have something this large hanging over my head.

but i like him. and i can't break his little heart like that without at least being able to get a transfer first.....

i guess at this point all i can do is suck it up,eh?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 4:16 PM

it frustrates me to know that at any given moment, i can just fall head over heels over this guy. and as much as i proceed with caution, i know myself well enough that i am one to bogart as much time as humanly possible. and it's a flaw, i know.

i felt that today when confirming plans for tonight. he decided to flake out on me. and stated that he was going to work out instead.

now granted: i understand that because i kidnapped him last night, he couldn't do the things he was supposed to do yesterday (e.g. get his car fixed, work out, do laundry, sleep, etc); meaning that he would need today to do such things. also, i kinda gave him shit because i needed an answer right then and there... and had i given him the chance to think it over before all the pressure, he probably would have decided otherwise.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND: we are still just dating right now, and rules of dating states that if you're really into a person, you try to spend as much time possible with that person in order to get to know and understand them. meaning: you need to take every opportunity that comes at you, otherwise the person is turned off by it, and sees it as rejection. and for goodness sakes, turn your freakin cel phone on or SOMETHING. at least have some form of communication other than the knowledge of each other's work schedule. in the long run... that's probably gonna do more harm than good.

but this does set a precedent for a few things.
1) he knows his priorities, and that although a girl will get her time, there needs to be a boundary set as far as time-bogarting goes.
2) working out is important. and physical appearance does count for some... even tho in the long run it's really just for health and confidence/self-esteem reasons
3) quality time will be spent as quality time... not just time together

which is good, right?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 3:15 PM

i'm still trying to figure things out.
and having a day off of work just to hash over things isn't necessarily helping the situation.
especially since this one has no phone and too many residencies for me to figure out which place to call... or whether or not to call. and it being that he doesn't have my number, i have no clue whether or not he even wants any contact.
which i'm sure he does. but you know how paranoid i get.

i just don't want it to get weird at work. you know how that is. it's never good to mix business with pleasure. but then again... it's not like i'm management this time around. but then it's like... okay... i dont know. just too weird. i don't know if i'd be able to handle it.

looks like i'm in for a transfer, right? frazee, here i come!

i don't even know if i want to pursue this or not.
1)he's not even close to my type
2)work
3)he's not even close to my type
4)brian
5)he's not even close to my type

and did i mention that he's not even close to my type?
then again.... when you click, you click. and even tho he's like 5 million times shorter, it felt good to be on his arm. ((and then there's the asian-size inverse rule. so the sex might be good.)) so this might actually be a big step for me if i do pursue, si?

i think i've been underthinking it for so long... and now that things have started to roll along... i've started to overthink things.
which gets me thinking...i wonder what HE'S thinking???
i can only imagine... he's a bit off. i can't read him as well as others. he's not big on eyecontact when we're talking....

and i still have to work on my dismount from the bike. at this point, i just kinda slide off of the rear. and it just looks awkward. then again.. i was in HEELS. at least i got the helmet removal down pat. and the actual RIDING part... i still don't get. as much as i wanna just grab hold of him and squeeze for dear life, i keep bumping his helmet or dig my helmet into his back. and i hate the feeling that i'm pushing him forward because i have no sense of control over my obesity kills me. it freakin hurts to push off of the front... and i'm too short and my ass is too small to be ridin bitch. bah humbug. it's okay. i'll learn eventually.

it is thrilling, tho.

i just have to exercise self control with this. i can't let it get too far....

but then again... it's a chance to miss out on something great.

i keep thinking about what happened with brian. brian was completely not my type, either. but i went with it. and the relationship with him has been the best in my life thus far.

so if i let my superficial hangups get the best of me... it could mean missing out on something wonderful. and from the looks of things... this could be something worth that step away from my usual... and help me to open up my eyes. not just to this possibility, bot to something beyond my day-to-day. (as entertaining as things are right now... i know that there's a lot more for me to experience and learn). and knowing what i know so far... i know that this will help me see things in a different light. and will certainly help veer away from the materialistic/superficial/shallow fun that has steered my life recently. and not just because of the one hurdle, but knowing that i'll learn a lot... because the stark differences are there... and are abundant. and with differences come learning experiences.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:48 PM

Clayton Allen Hensley. #52 for the Padres. he's recently been named as a starter. no longer a rookie! that's my man!

Bday: 8.31.79 (you know how much of a sucker i am for anyone born in '79!)
height: 5'11" (nice)
He's only making $329K per year... but hey... that's enough to keep us well fed and happy. =) and believe you me... i'd keep him very very happy!

he's the starting pitcher vs. colorado tomorrow. *swoon*

backthoughts: i shoulda hit on him when i saw him at Ole' (but at the time, all i could think of was CHINA, CHINA, CHINA!)

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:19 PM

this whole "refresh" thing is getting really really old. but i dont care. do whatcha gotta do, right?

i was watching the BET version of "making of..." neyo's new video for "when you're mad". didn't realize he was a little hottie.

but maybe it's 'cuz i've hit really dry times. bah! at this point... i'm so close to just picking up my phone when people call... just so i can get some... well.. you know.

anyhoo... that's not something to think about right now. i'm doin just fine. i've just hit the April hump without any booty. looks like 2006 will be a very, very dry year for mar.

does that mean i can reclaim my virginity?

probably not.

oh well. i gotta work on keeping my numbers down anyway.

and i can't have a bf this year, remember? you know... cuz of the new years resolution and all.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:19 PM

my new pimp hat. i love it.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 7:17 PM

my lil sis is FINALLY 21!!!! hooray! now she can come out with the big girls! i'm so excited! and she had a GREAT initiation!!!!

her night being 21

kinda sucks that she didn't make it out dancing... but considering that she started drinking at 1pm, and she lasted til 11... she was a trooper!

now i just gotta train her how to keep in her shit. but she's got everything else down pat. that's my girl!


EDIT:::: WTF?!?! it's Friday 4/14 at 4:10pm, and it's publishing for wednesday?!?! there's something seriously wrong with my browser. b/c everything is WRONG!!! it wont update ANYTHING!?!?! WTF?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:25 PM

Jack's Mannequin show at SDSU Open Air Theater on June 10, 2006. 8pm. i'll be there.

anyone wanna be my date for that evening?

this is one case where i'll date a girl.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:25 PM

So here's my progress report as far as the resolutions go::::

*mar needs to lose at least 10lbs. gameplan: stop with the chocolate. use my gym membership along with all the nikes in the closet. drink more water.
UPDATE: no progress. what a pooper.

*mar needs her teeth fixed. gameplan: dental insurance rolls over on Feb. 1, 2006. so all the fillings are getting replaced, an extra crown, and we'll see if whitening is covered
UPDATE: too lazy to make appointments. BAH HUMBUG.

*mar needs to give some love and attention to her car. gameplan: get car fixed. dur. keep up on all maintenance.
UPDATE: all i have left to buy/fix are my tires. woopee!

*mar needs to start saving for all her "major" purchases (i.e. snowboard gear, laptop, etc.) gameplan: um. get a better job. stop going out and buying rounds of drinks. bring baon to work.
UPDATE: saved the money, but still no purchases

*mar needs a new job. gameplan: Gina is working on a resume. until then, stick it out for the insurance, then see what happens. hopefully, Monster will be good.
UPDATE: new job, but no career prospects. the new resume is BEAUTIFUL, but hasn't been passed around yet.

*mar needs to expand her vocabulary. gameplan: more crosswords. less ebonics. start reading books again.
UPDATE: the ebonics won't go away. crap-o-la. and trips to the bookstore/library just gives me really bad gas.

*mar needs to expand her alcohol collection. gameplan: new bottle of booze every 2 weeks.
UPDATE: i think this needs to be revised to: stop buying alcohol... you ALKIE.

*mar needs to encourage her lil sis more. gameplan: be a good big sis and call more often. the bi-weekly lunches can turn into weekly lunches.
UPDATE: tried and failed. but at least i'm calling more often

*mar needs to strengthen her friendships with old friends. gameplan: use up minutes and CALL CALL CALL!
UPDATE: doin well so far

*mar needs to put money in her savings account. gameplan: mar needs to put money in her savings account.
UPDATE: mar saved money. but it's still in her checking account.

and p.s. i'm still FAT.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:37 PM

one thing i've learned: i really suck at getting to know people.

this came to me whilst listening in on conversations at work.

hence: the low extroversion.

i prefer to get to know someone one-on-one

or not

i'm not really sure.

but i'm pretty sure that ever since i've started hanging out with JUST girls... i've lost my sense of getting to know people.

damnit

i need to hang out with my bros.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:54 PM

stupid China. of all the places i show up, why does he have to ALWAYS be partying where i am that night?

that killed it for me last night seeing him with another girl. an UGLY girl, for that. i got replaced by an ugly girl? who knows... maybe she gives really really good head. or maybe it's because she doesn't mind the fact that he's flaccid. or maybe she's holding out and doesn't realize quite yet what's wrong with him. UGH.

it just frustrates me that i never got to finish crushing his little heart. i think it bothers me more that i never finished with him before he started seeing other people. BAH.

it's okay. at least the times that he's seen me, i was cute. and dancing with other guys. (hahhaha. i like the feeling of eyes burning through me. it's exhilirating)

in other news: mr. oreo is back in my life. but i think he still has a girlfriend. it's okay. dinner and drinks never hurt anyone.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:12 PM