extended VROOM

it's been a while hasnt it? and so much has changed in my life in the short time that i have written in this portion of my journal. the more personal side.

but what is there to write? everything has pretty much been said @ 52govroom.com. its just the details that i have left out. and all i leave out here is the humor. BAH. i have no point again.

im trying to splatter all of these condensed feelings on this one blogger. but there is just so much to say that i dont know where to begin. ah. yes. now i know where to begin.

im at a stage in my life where i have to make a big decision. should i saty or should i go? the sorority life has had it's ups and downs. most of the ups have been with my pledge sisters. and virtually all of the downs have been a realization of the footsteps that i am about to follow. by examining some of my actives, i have learned a lot that i would rather not be a part of. some parts social, most parts moral. it's to the point where i dont even want to be associated with these girls. but there are more pros than cons. at this point, the pros outweigh the cons. but the fact that there even are cons puts me in a position where i would rather not be. i dont want to compromise my morals and ideals just to be a part of a group. now granted that i love almost all aspects of it, there are a few that i completely disagree with. and that basically means that im not going into this whole-heartedly. and i want to be a part of something that i love. something that i dont regret anything about. i am so close to reaching that love for this sorority, but a few of its members just rub me the wrong way. it's the same thing with how i felt with people in RO. there are just some aspects of it that hold me back. pulls me away from being passionate about it.

if you're wondering what the hell im talking about, im talking about the walking contradictions that remain in the sorority. the ones that pull facades over my eyes. the ones that are so incredibly fake that it makes me want to rip out my intestines with a rusty fork. it disgusts me the way they act. the way they play nice. the way the evil sparkles in their eyes while they tell me that everything will be okay. then the way they fake hug me as i genuinely try to accept them. but i cant. it goes against my character to accept these kind of people. and its so obvious, that i cant believe how oblivious everyone is being. i cant believe that they can just stand around and accept it all. i guess they're trying to be ignorant about it. they try to ignore it so that we pledges dont see it. and i wish i could do the same thing so that this experience would be better. but i cant. and i wont.

and that's what's keeping me at this fork. should i stay or should i go? i only have 2 more weeks to decide whether i want to make this lifelong commitment. it doesnt end at graduation. it ends when i die. or go through a long grueling process of getting out. which i know will be hell. so im at a standstill in my life because i dont know what to do. go against my morals and ignore the fact that i am disgusted and cross over, or just drop out right now and leave all of my sisters behind? i love them so much. but i have such a hatred of what is going on. i wish my sisters and i could have our own thing. because that is who i love. and i know that they feel the same way.

i am so confused. im not sure what i want to do. im not sure what i should do. and that's the hard part. and i have to make a decision soon before it's too late. its just that i've been through so much. and i have such an attachment. it's hard to let go. i dont want to. but i might have to.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 12:28 AM