Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Whoa. How long has it been? I would have to say it was the later part of 2009. It is now... hrmmm.... 7 months later. What happened?

Life happened. As usual. Maybe that's what launched the depression... not being able to write and release. I remember how therapeutic it used to be. Regardless of if I was on topic or not. Well... there was always SOME relevance to the relief and the release.

"Emotional rollercoaster" as JD would put it. Hella highs and hella lows. The suspense of the drop and the exhilarating thrill of the fast turns and loops. The immediate gratification of knowing you were safe... however false that reassurance was. Not knowing what's around the corner... even though you have a sneaking suspicion that it's probably not something you were looking forward to.

I feel rejected. Unwanted. Loved, but not acted upon. That's it in a nutshell. I keep it in because I know what other distractions there are. So I attempt to distract myself as well. Maybe I'll disconnect in the process? And delve deeper into another interest... something that I know for sure. I love baseball. "At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that?" Not even close, right?

I thought I held more weight in the process. But it has become more clear with each day that I was completely wrong. I'm a temporary fix to the loneliness and emptiness. Do you know how depressing that feels?

So that's that. I'm at a loss. Wondering the question I've wondered for the past few months.... cut my losses or keep hurting?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 9:25 PM