extended VROOM

I'm finally in my first accounting class and I'm finding my classmates to be dull and boring. I suppose that's what most people think about numbers. I'm still excited :) But I can't seem to focus. Perhaps a glass of wine will help!

I unblocked my relationship status today from Bilbrey and Y. But now it just says that my relationship is no longer complicated. Which is the truth. I had a complicated relationship with Y. Now that things are out in the open, it's not complicated anymore. Honestly, it's always been up there because of him.

I don't know what's going on in my head about all this Y stuff. I have it GREAT with J. We make a great team. We have the same vision for our future.

It's the same story all over again, isn't it?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:42 PM

hm. It's always a strange feeling to see someone you were dating with a new someone--- especially if that new someone reminds you a bit of yourself. blaaahhhh. I'm not jealous. But it's still a strange feeling.

I would be lying if I said he didn't cross my mind on a daily basis. uggghhhhh. WHYYYY am I like this?!?!?! It's because he was everything that J wasn't. But still was most what I wanted. If he was 6 inches taller, had a better food range, and claimed me as his when he had the chance, this wouldn't be an issue. Actually, had he made some type of commitment, I wouldn't have gone anywhere.

As happy as I am with J, the pain of him leaving still lingers. I don't know how to resolve that. It still haunts me... makes me paranoid. Helps me to justify thoughts of Y. Makes me think of the "could have" instead of the "what could be."

Hm. I don't really know what to do with it. I feel horrible if I keep him in my pocket. I feel horrible for how I left it. I want to scream at him for not committing to me, but at the same time, I'm SOOOO happy with J right now that I'm glad he didn't.

Blah. I dunno. I should be happy. I should let Y go.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 8:36 PM

I had a dream about Y the other night. About how we needed to have a talk... About what has happened since we last saw each other, what is happening now, and what it means for the future. I woke up with a strange feeling. Like I needed to take action, but I felt soooooooo bad!!

I do care about him.... More than I care to admit. I still think of him. How great we were together. How good we could have been if the timing was right. It was horrible timing. Both times. I genuinely believe that if the timing was different, that we would have something absolutely amazing. We are pretty much the same person... But different enough to make things interesting. There were lots of reasOns for it not to work out. But had the timing been right.... We would have worked around them. He always said we would figure things out. And for the most part we did. I just didn't expect things to happen the way they did with J.

So now here things are. I'm having a hard time deciding how I want to end things. I feel so horrible!! But it's necessary if I want things to work with J.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 2:04 PM

Just finished watching "Dear John" and it absolutely broke my heart. It's one of those movies that you just didn't expect to relate to. BUT. holy balls I heard the exact same words coming out of my mouth at some point during this past year.

"Don't ever tell me I don't understand."
"I don't know what to do. What do you want from me?"

That we'll make it work long distance? Or that it was a marathon living my life without you? And the heartache of watching the one that you love leave.

I hurt right now because of the opened wounds. I want to retreat and be nonchalant and live with no strings attached because the strings hurt so bad when disturbed.

There is no happy ending, is there? IS THERE?!??!

Flight response. At the same time, I want to be brutally honest. Because that honesty will temporarily numb the pain as I watch my words hurt him. But... more harm than good.

You know that look that Ned gets on his face when he looks at Chuck? That's all I want. To see those bright eyes looking at me... seeing past the flaws and to see the reflection of pure and honest and genuine LOVE. Yes, there are undoubtedly flaws. But we are only human. And as cliche as that sounds and as many times as you hear it used as an excuse by those who are careless.... it's TRUE. We are only human. As God intended... to make and learn from our mistakes.

And btw, I have seen that look. Moreso than ever recently. It's no longer a confused, disheartened, overprotective one... it's enlightened. It's the look that he was too afraid to show because he was too afraid to feel.

And here I am with cold feet. Because I've already let my guard down. And if you think that I'm gonna be that stupid again, you have another thing comin. It's not what you think it is. It's fear. It's hurt. It's a lack of trust in your judgment and decision making skills.... when it comes to this stuff, anyway.

I'm willing and able. However, there is still a long way to go before that point of trust where we once were. It's not so easy to surrender to an old flame.

posted by ahoy there matey @ 1:24 AM

well hello there.

I'm sitting here trying to watch the Cardinals v 49ers game and I thought it would be much more hilarity than this. But the Cards are actually on point tonight. So BOO. Whatever. So I started poking around. Looking at potential jobs. As we all know... As much as I love the Big Green Machine, it also is heavily dependent on my relationship with my superior. At the moment, I'm very serious about severing ties.

I starting poking around internships and accounting jobs. Starting looking into the large financial institutions who would assist in my quest for my CPA, and upon looking at the job descriptions and knowledge requirements, I realized that I know NADA in this field. I know the basics based on my initial Principles class and my on-hand experience analyzing P&Ls and the like. However, the software knowledge and the lingo of the whole thing just absolutely blew my mind. Reminding me how utterly unprepared I am to venture out into this new adventure.

Disappointed in my academic life, I started to poke around to see if ever I would see any accounting classes. Of course, they would be the very LAST SIX that I have to take in my course. ARGGHHHH. My education up to this point has been in business management- all of which I have a wealth of experience (thanks to the Big Green).

So I have a renewed sense of my future. Cautious because of the lack of study skills that I have developed in the past year and a half. I feel like I am severely slacking in my skills. I seriously need to get on the ball and a routine and stop dicking around. But how often have you heard that in the past ten years, right?

But seriously... a couple of weeks ago J and I were sitting on the couch watching football. A glorious Sunday off to spend with the love of my life. And he painted a picture for me (not literally, btw)... about the day that I have my big girl job and we can actually take vacations together. Have "normal people hours" and weekends together to unwind, relax, sit around to have breakfast, coffee, and read the paper together. It's inspirational. It was a nice kick in the ass to really get myself moving on this whole job situation.

I'm now officially linkedin ;)Taking my searches seriously and being cautious of any profiles that are available. These aren't for ex-boyfriends and foes and stalkers anymore. This is a reflection of who I am outside of the professional realm, but can undeniably affect my future endeavors. AH. I have to be an adult, don't I?

posted by ahoy there matey @ 6:49 PM